RiverQuinn - a brand new start

2003-11-30T16:15:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to say that I'm giving up this blog soon, as it has become obsolete and really there'sno point in writing in it when I have something else. Besides, it's really just time to move on. I guess a lot has changed since I started using this and there's no point in dwelling, is there? Bye everybody. I'd say that I'll miss you, but I doubt that it's true. Those of you who matter to me already know.

2003-11-21T17:05:00.000-05:00

I'm going away again tomorrow. And then when I get back I have to get ready to leave yet another time. That will be the better time in GA, I think, b/c that time I'll be going to play SOLAR. That will be good for me. I've missed playing and seeing people like Andy and Rusty and Scott and all my other friends. And Lindsey will be with us so I'll have someone I have fun with around and if we need to, we can keep and eye out for each other since it will be the first Everhate for both of us. But I'm getting off the subject. I have to leave again tomorrow. Woo-fuckin-whoo.

2003-11-11T20:10:00.000-05:00

I don't know how much longer I'm going to want to use this blog. Now that I have the new one and at least a couple of people know the addy to it, I see this as trivial and pointless. At one point I wanted to save everything I've written here, but the past is past and I think I need to let go of all that shite (sorry...reading Trainspotting). Oh, hey...who wants to get me a present? If you do, call or message me sometime (today or tomorrow if you want to be the best person in the world by getting me a very special cd before I leave on thursday) and I'll tell ya what you can be very awesome by getting me. I'm gonna have to scrounge up $15 for tomorrow, aren't I? Damn it! And I just bought a couple of cds. But stupid me didn't know the name of one of my favorite songs and didn't get the cd it was on even thought I had picked it up and looked at it. Dumb girl, aren't I? I'll find some way to get it...even if I have to tell my mom that I need something else and then end up getting the cd instead. I'll just tell her I need to buy some meth. She'll def give it to me then, right? Nah...I'll think of something. Or tell my brother to give me money for it and I'll pay him back when I get his xmas present...assuming he has $$. Of course mom's going to the bank tomorrow for him anyway, so I'll tell him to tell her to get out the cash and then when I go to the mall w/Lindsey I can stop by Soundgarden (I heart that place) and pick it up. Bwahaha...I'm so clever! I hope this plan works, otherwise I'll have to resort to whoring myself out until all the weed is out of my system so I can get a stupid job. I need some fucking money. Any rich guys in the area want to buy me stuff? Just kidding...I don't care where you live, as long as you send me cash. Nah, I'll try to get a job and be a productive citizen...or be put on SS for being to crazy to work. Please give me money someone? Grrrrrr....didn't think so.

2003-11-04T22:31:00.000-05:00

The most beautiful song in the world

Whispering Pines
If you find me in a gloom, or catch me in a dream, Inside my lonely room, there is no in between
Whispering pines, rising of the tide, If only one star shines
That's just enough to get inside, I will wait until it all goes 'round
With you in sight, the lost are found, Foghorn through the night, calling out to sea
Protect my only light, 'cause she once belonged to me, Let the waves rush in, let the seagulls cry
For if I live again, these hopes will never die, I can feel you standing there
But I don't see you anywhere, Standing by the well, wishing for the rain
Reaching for the clouds, for nothing else remains, Drifting in a daze, when evening will be done
Try looking through the haze, At an empty house in the cold, cold sun
I will wait until it all goes 'round, With you in sight, the lost are found

I love that song and I think that Dar Williams did an amazing cover of it. Of course Dar is great as it is. She's one of my favorite artists to sing along with while I'm listening to their music. (Another favorite to sing would be Tom Petty.) I just wanted to post the song here so other people can get a feel for it. Of course the words alone don't do it justice. You have to hear Dar and Cliff sing and hear the music to get the chills that this song can produce. It's kind of this beautifully haunting melody. I just adore it.

On to a couple of updates:
decided to go with the light brown for now and do the blonde next time I dye it...then possible dying it back to my original color and letting it grow out naturally for a while and make sure I get rid of all the over dyed parts so my hair can get a much needed break.

I'm slowly but surely getting ready for my trip (and I found out that my flight to GA will be on 22 of this month). So many trips in such a short time. I love it. I miss traveling all the time. If I had any money I'd go back to Europe for a while and see things and remember them better this time and take lots of pictures and bring someone to share the amazing experience with me. But I'm getting off the subject, as usual. I took care of a few more things on the list today, which only leaves 16 major things left to do. I want to do at least three things on the list, and continue working on two or three other things that take a few days to complete. At least I ordered my jacket and boots...now if only I could get that leather fetish corset...... Of course I'm still nervous, but hopefully he understands that I need things to wory about in my life and when it comes down to the moment I'm usually pretty rational about it (unless I'm having a panic attack or cycles from manic to depressed) and really almost use that fear and worry as a way to get myself geared up and ensure that I'm completely and totally prepared when I leave. I start taking care of things way in advance. From the moment I got home from the hospital I had started getting ready for this. Went out and bought all sorts of things I needed and started getting oraganized, making my lists (don't even ask how many), and all sorts of insane things. I have so much going on in my head right now that I'm glad I haven't been able to sleep lately. I have more time to do shit. And I love having everything be so busy and having goals and reasons for doing things during the day. It makes me feel productive and useful. I think I'm like my mom sometimes, taking on so many things at once. Maybe, but I like to have things busy and stressful like this. I don't know if people really understand that I need stress and chaos and bad things in my life. You spend so much time dealing with things like being abused and assalted and teased and dealing with a deranged monster dying of cancer yet still finding the strength to knock the ever living shit out of you then maybe you'd feel at home with chaos and that hectic life you put on yourself. My past explains a lot about why I am the way that I am, I suppose. I'm thinking about writing it all down sometime so that if people ever need/want to know the truth about everything in my life, then there it is in black and white for them to read. It would be an interesting change from the smutt I ususally write. And poems. And smutty poems. ;p

The thing about my poetry is that you can generally tell what poems match up with what point in my life. Maybe that's just for the people who really know everything though...I suppose that to anyone else it would just be emotions on paper. nameless, faceless, and only when the face they see there could be their own do the truely appreciate the emotions the poet poured into writing that piece. Only when they feel the same pain or joy or fear (or whatever other emotion you may find), do they understand and connect to that piece. It can get very confusing. If you don't feel that common link between yourself and what you read, you will or oft than not, dismiss the work without another thought. Maybe it's not fair, maybe I'm biased because I'm a writer. I don't know. I just hopw that every poem out there is appreciated by at least one person besides the poet. I'm done with the philosofical waxing now.

2003-11-02T19:30:00.000-05:00

Three words" Slowly but surely.

2003-10-31T01:57:00.000-05:00

I love buying stuff...does that make me materialistic? Oh well. It makes me happy, so I don't think it matters. Of couse my love of buying stuff means that I'm going to have to suck it up and get a job ::shudder:: eventually. Or a sugar daddy...whatever comes along first. I jst bought some stuff today and I want more already...no wonder I'm poor. Shopping=happiness, so I never have money even if I'm getting cash. It's the worst now cuz I don't have much money anymore. I blame the government...and Stevo. Everything wrong in my little world should always somehow be at least partly his fault. He's my own personal scapegoat. Prick....

2003-10-26T17:03:00.000-05:00

Sometimes people just annoy me. I think I'm allergic to stupidity or something cuz some people just give me a fucking headache. I have too many things to do tomorrow. I might be going to the doctor (maybe I can get something so I won't feel sick all the time), I'm finishing those forms for school, I'm getting my hair done and I have to spend lots of money. First at the store (yay for buying crap) and then if I can figure out everything about going on my little trip I need to hurry up and buy the ticket so maybe my broke ass can save a little bit of money on the whole thing.

Last night was weird. I was talking to James and as soon as I hung up I started crying. I was just so upset. I have my theories about why, but I won't go into detail. I just know that it sucked to be up until four in the morning in tears.

My head hurts right now. I want to just go to bed and stay there for a few weeks. Or maybe I just need a hug......

2003-10-22T18:49:00.000-04:00

I'm home!!!!!

2003-10-09T06:03:00.000-04:00

today i'm going to occ. wish me luck. i'm also going to visit doug at modern tribalism to look into my next piercing and maybe see about a tattoo. i've got a few now that i want to get done. we'll see what i decide i really want later. for now there are only two that i'm certain about. there are other things going on to, but the important people already know them, so i will not mention these things here. thank you all for your support though. it means a lot to me.

2003-10-02T18:00:00.000-04:00

VOTE!!!

(taken from my current away message):
help me choose my next piercing:
a) lip
b) labret
c) industrial or orbital
d) nape
e) madonna/monroe
f) bridge
g) medusa
h) other (please specify)

please take into consideration the piercings I already have. also, i'm going in for a tattoo soon, so if anyone wants to keep me company during that, lemme know and i'll give ya a call about it. thanks all. love yas

Please feel free to leave me a comment with your input, but please, so retarded suggestions. I will not get my cooch pierced, so don't even bother. If you don't know what a certain piercing is, ask me and I will repond as soon as I see your questions. This is also up on both of my screen names, so if you see me online, feel free to contact me there as well. Thanks you guys. Have fun and choose wisely!

2003-09-30T18:52:00.000-04:00

i don't know why, but even after i added a new comment, the number hasn't changed, so i'm just venting my frustrations for now. it makes me mad when things don't work online. but i'm just a techno perfectionist. I hope it straightens itself out soon. anyway, i don't feel like talking about my life right now, so i'll check ya'll l8r.

2003-09-25T23:39:00.000-04:00

just a quick update cuz i've been pretty tired and sick lately. Mike sent me a ton of stargazer lilies (my favorites) on tuesday. they're so beautiful. So he'sgetting some big bonus points for that. poor thing has a test in precalculus monday that he's kinda wiggy about, but i'm hoping he does well. he's a smart man and no matter how much he doesn't like precal, i think he'll be okay. Tonight he's at a concert, so I hope he's having a blast. After that hopefully he won't be too tired to talk. If he doesn't come visit soon, i'm gonna have to go out there and visit him instead.

Other than that I'm just trying to improve my life. I've got a lot on my plate right now that i'm trying to take care of, so i haven't had much time for anything. between mike and school and work stuff and baby stuff, I haven't gone anywhere in weeks, save for the store. i'm making an appointment to look at what classes might interest me for getting back in school, which excites me more that i can say...although i'm also really nervous.

I still can't get into my hotmail. I don't know what to do. I'm going to have to use someone elses computer or have someone else get into the account for me, just so it doesn't shut down the account. I'm trying as best i can to fix my world. it's actually going fairly well.

oh, and one last thing. Lindsey, i would have called you, but i've spent the greater part of most days unconsious. during the day i've only been awake to pee or get drinks so i could pee later. i've been either sick or in a medicated stupor most of the time, except for when i've been up with my mom trying to see if i can get into a school or to look into employment. i'm mostly up during the night and then you're usually talking to jason. i agree with the general populace that it's sad that our friendship has been so damaged by something that appears to be a romance which may or may not last (please note, i'm not trying to attack you or say anything bad, this was something that was told to me recently by someone else). but i don't know anything about fixing friendships that went to hell. I never seemed to stay in on place long enough for it to matter. i'm not used to having known the same people for years upon years. I don't know what to do.

2003-09-14T14:02:00.000-04:00

First of all, I'm slightly annoyed that every time I try to sign in to Hotmail, is says The request was rejected because the port it was connecting to is not configured to receive the protocol being sent. Please contact your network administrator. So maybe when I talk to Mike tonight he can help me figure out why it won't work. Yay for him being a computer geek!

Second, an update on the whole Mike thing. No, he didn't get to come see me on Saterday like we had planned. Instead, his car got totally (yeah, we just found out it was that fucked up yesterday) so he's getting a check in a couple of days for another car. The only good thing about this ordeal is that he was inside CompUSA working when it happened. Some asshole was just tearing through the parking lot at the time and "didn't see" Mike's car. He's going to get another car asap and come see me the next chance he gets, which he promised would be soon. I feel so bad for him, cuz he sounded so bummed about not being able to come see me. I know he was bummed about the car too (well, not bummed so much as pissed as hell), but he told be he had been really looking forward to seeing me on Saterday. So our day was sufficiently ruined thanks to some moron who can't drive for shit. That's all I feel like writing at the moment. I've got a lot of shit to do. L8s.

2003-09-09T20:46:00.000-04:00

you know...when someone says they don't want to give you the addy to their other journal, it's typically for a reason. So don't get mad when you go behind their back and find the journal anyway and read the unedited venting emotions that a person is honestly feeling and has every right to express. I didn't know that free speech didn't apply to me. I know people say plenty of shit about me in venting. I'm allowed to do the same. Now why don't you just tell me how you got it? And then you don't ever have to talk to me again. In fact, it would be best that way. I can't be friends with someone I can't trust to keep from pawing through my proverbial underwear drawer. I'm not going to appollogies for having human feelings. These things were my feelings that I was working out to perfect strangers. It's not like I was telling the world horrid things about you. I would never do that. The only person who knows me (and he doesn't even know you, so it still doesn't matter) and has (or shall I say was granted) access to that journal is my boyfriend. This was never meant to be a stab at you. That's why I didn't want you to read it. Maybe if we could sit down and talk about it like human beings you might understand my motivation for what I said. But I have tried to explain it to you a thousand times already. That's why I write my feelings out. You don't seem to want to hear me anymore. So do what you want with what I have said here. You are still important to me. But I guess unless you decide otherwise, this is goodbye.

2003-09-08T21:23:00.000-04:00

Mike is coming here on Saterday....yay! I just wanted to share the good news. L8s!

2003-09-06T18:09:00.000-04:00

I want to thank someone for their convo with me last night. I know the person doesn't realize it, but b/c of this convo I had a profound realization today. That being said, there's something I think I'll have to take care of now. Time to get to work.

But on a much more pleasant note, Mike is hoping that he can see me next weekend. So, CompUSA willing, he will be here in less than a week. I promised Sandy she could meet him and give him the yay or nay (of course I'm sure she'll think he's great, after all, I love him and he's so similair to me). I can't wait to have him here. I love talking to him every night, but this trip is going to signify our first night together. It must be love b/c I've been spending every day cleaning my room and getting things organized for when he comes over. I even bought new sheets. I want everything to be perfect for him. Anyway, I've got a lot more work ahead of me if I want this place to look good. I'll update again soon enough. L8s.

2003-09-02T15:21:00.000-04:00

I'm such a mean girlfriend! I was teasing Mike again last night. I feel bad everytime I tell him I wish he was here or that I want a hug cuz I know he would be here in a heartbeat if it wasn't for the fact that he started back at school today and CompUSA has been working his tail off. But he promised that soon he'll be here, so I just have to wait till he can get a spare minute. And I made him promise not to use anymore silly little anallogies. I like just hearing him say what he feels straight up. Anyway, I'm waiting for him to get out of whichever class his in right now so I can talk to him. He only had two classes today, so hopefully he'll be home soon. I guess that's it for now. L8s.

2003-08-28T21:08:00.000-04:00

Mike's coming to visit me next weekend! Yay! Oh, and looks like he's a big ole Family Guy fan too. Very groovy. Anyway, I have a headache and I'm waiting for him to call me, so I'll wrap this up. Oh, and I email Chrissy to let her know I'm working on coming to visit...I just have to work around the classes I wanted to take. And I sent her a picture of Mike so she knows what my boy looks like. Anyway, off to work on my comic or lay down until I hear from my boy. PS--I'm mad at someone right now. Guess who I'm thinking of right now and I'll give ya $5. Let's see who wins. Guess by posting a coment below. I'll let you know if you guessed right. L8s!

2003-08-26T10:12:00.000-04:00

YAY!

I'm so happy. It's all thanks to my Lindseykins. Yay for me and yay for Lindsey and yay for Mike! I are so happy right now. ^_^ He's coming to visit me soon. Yay for that. He'd be here sooner if it wasn't for his oh-so-very fun job. Meh, I don't mind though. Jobs are good b/c jobs=money=visits. Hmmm...New Jersy just moved up a notch in my book. I really wish he could be here Thursday for the fetish ball, but i think he's gonna be working the next day. ::pout:: Oh, well, he can make it up to me later.It's okay...I owe him too for being such a pain last night. Although I think it's entirely his fault if he didn't get enough rest for work today. He knew he was putting in a full day, so he really should have gotten more that 4 hours. Bit the silly boy said he'd rather talk to me. I hope he doesn't do this when he goes back to school...he'll never get anything done. Then he'll be a college drop out and then who will be my sugar daddy? ^_~ j/k....I'm nervous about his visit, but it's a good nervous. He's been about the only person I can talk to that I don't think deserves a great big smack upside the head. I even spent most of Saterday night/Sunday morning on the phone with him with I was at Moonshine. What can I say, a girl needs priorities. There will be more to come soon, I just don't want to get too detailed at once. And to think, I didn't even mention the best part.....

2003-08-21T08:24:00.000-04:00

I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to be a godmother (or the Wiccan equivalent). I'm so happy. Congrats to my girlie girl. And to her unborn daughter. MWAH! ::big kiss:: I just wanted to share this, because I'm so excited!

2003-08-13T03:58:00.000-04:00

sometimes people just piss me off. all i have to say to the person who inspired this post is thank you sooooo much for totally not being there when i needed you. it just shows me who little you care. hmm...how many people are going to continue lying to me? i would like an appolgy, but i don't think it's going to happen. i don't need this bullshit. you suck....

2003-08-05T14:02:00.000-04:00

But I'm a Princess...

And what did this princess spent the majority of last night doing? Watching All Over Me (as per usual, it has renewed my crush on Luke...poor guy...so sad....) and cleaning. Yeah, I cleaned. Shock must be setting in right now, huh? Of course right now I'm basking in the music of AFI...GODS, I tell you, GODS!!! Yes, I want to fuck every one of those boys. With all the love left in my little black heart. They make me feel all warm inside...wait, that's internal bleeding. Does it make me sound like a guy when I say I REALLy wanna have sex? It's been a couple of weeks, I think I have that right. I know that makes me sound like a scuzzy hoe and shit, but I don't care cuz anyone who really knows me knows I'm damned well not. In any case, I'm reasonably happy at the moment. Sure, I could always be happier, but you damned well know I could also be a hell of a lot worse. I had a couple of weird dreams last night. One was about AbFab...and the other had something to do with a curch or a private school (not nearly as horrible as the one I went to though...otherwise I'd say I had a nightmare). I don't remember much about the second one except that I left the church (it was catholic) and went outside to get my cigarettes or something and it started pouring down rain and I was just running in the rain looking for the building and when I got to the building I had to open a locker to get my cigarettes, but I couldn't remember the combo, no matter how hard I tried. It was so weird. I could feel the rain and everything. It was dripping from my hair and body, making my clothes cling to my skin, making me cold, especially in the building...there was air conditioning. It hurts my head to think about it. I have a friend who interepets dreams though...maybe I should ask him about it. The weirdest thing happened last night while I was cleaning. I was going through some bags from my old apartment and I found some more of Lee's things...even an old report card. I think I'm gonna save it. I miss Lee. He was a good guy and really looked out for me no matter how fucked up I was. I think I did more shit than anyone who came around our place. When I think about it now I feel bad. I remember when I took off and he had no idea where I'd gone...just that I wasn't there anymore. Lee'a sweetheart. I wish I knew how he's doing now. Maybe I can get a hold of him somehow. Besides, I wanna see if Chrissy's alright to. I love her to death but I never knew how to talk to her or Lee after I left the apartment since we didn't have a phone there. Anyway, I'm rambling now. But just incase either of them find this blog: Chrissy - you're my girl! I want to know how things are with you...shoot me an email sometime babe. And Lee - You're the best! Thank you for everything you did hun. Byes!

2003-08-01T18:44:00.000-04:00

Well, everything is now officially up and running, although still under construction (obviously). Jamie is so the shit. I decide this more each day. Although he needs to finds better girls than the ones he seems to attract. I love his lip piercing, but I can understand how that is one of the things that make it hard for him to get a girl where he is. He lives in the middle of nowhere, so people are more close minded (believe me I know about that shit).He's a dearheart...for a bondaged up weed head! ^_~ He's so cool though. And his band rawks my socks off. Add that to the list of totally great guys who think they can't get a great girl. ::jumps up and down while waving:: You can have me!!! Hehehe...

Updates. KC got a horse and now Salene is taming him. She was even able to ride him! Pride and Lex are actually working together for once. Speaking of working together, Ebony gave Luke a job. Actually kind of shocking. After all, she hates him as far as I can see. But I'm glad he feels useful now. Ned gave Alice a beautiful emerald ring...although he won't say how he managed. Bray was a little beaten up when he came back, but well taken care of and on the mend thankfully. While he was gone it seems that he heard some news about Ryan. Details not known yet...just know that Salene is run off to find him. I hope she knows where she's going/what she's getting herself into. We shall see in time, I suppose.

Andy and Lindsey came over today. That makes me happy. Even though I feel as though things are starting to slip. Lindsey talks to my brother for hours every night. I mabee talk to her every few days or so. But whatever. I'm not going to get into a fuss about it. This may sound bad, but I'm not making any efforts to keep anyone around right now. If someone wants to remain friends with me they should make the initiative. Especially since they are the ones with the scheduals to be worked around. These people know damned well that I have nothing but time. Why do you think I spend so much time doing web design and other shit on the internet? Because I have nothing else to do. ::sigh:: People are such a frustrating thing. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not better off as a hermit?

2003-08-01T03:26:00.000-04:00

I love Andy!

This is what he said to me on AIM a few minutes ago:

jynx013 (2:12:47 AM): you go through boys faster than I go through race cars!And I bet you wreck them just as fast as I do!hehehehe THats my girl!Make them come to you cause if they dont fight for you with everything they have then they werent wort your time!Never forget how special you are danni girl!You are the sun and the moon and if they offer you anything less than the stars tell them to hit the road.Youll always be a sweet love to me precious and ill always be here for you if you need me.~Andy aka Lil Inu ...that means deamon puppy.O:-)
Auto response from NecroBunni (2:12:47 AM): hehe....i love, love, love jacob. i wanna have his babies! yummy yummy boy. i want jacob tomuri to marry me! let it be known here and now, this is an offical invite to jake to marry me! :-* i love you, you're beautiful. ::sigh:: wow! o.O

That was the fuckin funniest thing ever...of course Jason just had to be sitting right here when I opened the message! I laughed my ass of. Thanking you sweetie, for brightening up my day (night)! BTW, I love my new journal! It is so choice! And lucky me, I can say anything I want in it cuz you meanies can't find it! Hah! O'Doyal rules, beyotch! I'm done gloating now. I just wanted to say: You people are missing out on some hard core cool cuz you're mean and too judgemental. So there!

And for the record, yes, I do want to have Jacob's babies 1) cuz he's so sexy 2) cuz he's so cool, and 3) cuz I want to lick him lick he's a popcicle! Ow, baby, hurt me now! ::dies:: Can you say dream come true. Speaking of dreams, I know someone who's lying to me...... And I think they shouldn't be such a pussy ass bitch and just tell me the truth. I already know it to begin with, but I hate being lied to, so just say what you wanted to say or sod off. I'm not as clueless as I pretend to be...and I have my reasons for acting that way. When you get the balls to talk, you know where I am...maybe you should pick up the phone cuz then I can yell at you for being a chicken shit dumbass. ((Don't mind the harsh words, you are too sweet for them, but I'm not sweet enough to keep from saying them)) Honesty is the best policy...and everyone knows liars eventually get caught. Think about it my dear. I'll waiting...with my panties all in a twist, just for you sugah. ::gently strokes your cheek, slaps you, then gives you a kiss::

Okay, I'm done now. Till tomorrow, I'm off to play with the weird kids...JAMIE!!! I want you ya sweet piece of hard rock ass! And update your journal plz??????????????? I wanna see some new stuff in your journal. PS--Banned rawks my socks off. \mIm/ TOO MUCH RAWK FOR ONE HAND!!!! I love you!!! You are the shiznit and you guys need to put more mp3s up. And next time you put up a naked picture...lose the guitar! And to Meg--thanks for the link. Who would have thought people could unite over a common mascara? But we both know CG is the shit and cannot be denyed. TTYL, check my comment to you. Post in my new journal. Bye bye 4 now!

One last thing I almost forgot...updates:
Ebony is now helping Ned with his scheme, Luke is getting really down about feeling like he's stuck (poor guy), Alice is getting all sorts of jerked around by Ned, Lex is doing whatever his dear wife ((pain in the ass)) says so she doesn't go bitching him out, KC has a giant crush on May who's oblivious cuz she's hot for Pride, Salene's mad at Ellie and blames her for Jack leaving, nobody believes poor little Andy, and finally, guess who was stubbling around the city drunk as a skunk? Bray. He was in a club chatting up some girl when KC found him. Of course he's doing this because Amber's gone and he has no idea if he'll get her back. This must really suck after just having her back in his life and coming to terms with her pregnancy. But now that she's gone he's turned into a complete moron (IMHO) and being very foolish.,,especially when you think of who he ran into after he left the club. ::sigh:: Men really are stupid...no matter what you do. If you aren't around to give them a good slap back into sanity...oi.

Now, as I promised, that's it for tonight. My love to all who deserve and return it. I hope you know who you are. If you don't then I'm sorry. Perhaps I should tell you. Perhaps I just can't. Either way, I wish you knew. I will say it now and hope you know it whether you see it or not. I love you. Nothing can stop that love. Even me. Goodnight, sleep tight. May your dreams find you in the arms of someone you love. And if those aren't the arms that embrace you when at last you wake, may they become the arms that hold you in the future. Loving you, comforting you, catching you when you fall. I hope this for you all as well as myself. ::thinks of someone in particulair, sighs:: As they say in Cinderella: "a dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep." Then I hope dreams can come true. My, look at all the romantisism here...you're getting soft in your old age, Danni. Maybe, but happier, I think. In a sad way. Abadeo, I suppose. Let us see what the future holds.

2003-07-31T19:15:00.000-04:00

Ian rocks my socks!

I want to offer up a great big congratulations to one of my favorite cuddle bunnies, Ian. I hope you enjoy the new status of M.I.T. And I think Alter sounds adorable. Take care hun...and I hope to hear many more good things are happening for you in the future. I love you more than test tube shots! (And you know first hand how much I love those!)

2003-07-31T03:46:00.000-04:00

First on my hitlist: Updates!
I was right about Ellie. She decided to stay with Luke instead of Jack. Good choice Ellie! I like Luke so much better. It wound appear that Ned is the traitor de jour. A certain someone...le Gaurdian, is faking the wigginess of his nature...asshole. Of course I've been kinda out of the loop lately so that's all I'm going to say about that for now. Oh, wait...I completely blacked this out. Jack took off after he found out about Ellie and Luke. stupid if you ask me.

Numbah 2: Yays and Suck Its
A big Yay to Sandy for being a doll to talk to tonight. I had fun chatting witcha girl! Suck Its go to anyone else I talked to tonight. You know who you are. Thankfully I am too nice to say your names. Or too tired...who knows? Especially to the one who spent most of the night frustrating me while I had a sick cat in my lap trying to puke on the keyboard. Yes, he made it to the door. No, he did not make it outside the door. Fuckin A! Yays also go out to Jena, Meg, and others for their help and kind words to "the new kid." A giant Yay to Jamie for being dead sexy, but also, Suck It for not updating in over a week. It's always the cute ones who drive you mad. And the biggest YAY of all to whichever god(dess) put Jacob here.I could not ask to see a more perfect specimen of super fucking sexy.I still maintain my offer. MARRY ME, JACOB! Tall, skinny (chicks dig scrawn!), awesome hair, smart, sweet (just look at him with his youngest brother), artistic, happy with what he does, killer smile, adorable accent...do I need to go on? I think this is the most justifiable crush ever. I know, I know...in my dreams. That's cool, just don't go wakin me up.

Numbre tres: Shitty Witty
Do you know how much it costs to have a fulll eye exam, get new lenses and new frames with no insurance coverage? Over 5 hundred bucks. Suck! Thank god for my mom...or I'd be blind AND in debt... I ought to make Stevo pay for this shit. After all, doesn't that prick own me? Of course I just think he's slime and needs to die. Please, let me do it, please?

You know where I'm going in the morning to do the real venting on EVERYTHING. You got bich light today. L8s...too tired to stand.

2003-07-30T20:14:00.000-04:00

Another day another adventure

What an oddly good day. I went to the doc and had my eyes check out. Considering how long I've had diabetes, they're in awesome condition. I got new glasses, but I won't actually have them until about a week from now. Soon I'll be seeing Doc G and then going to get all my job shit taken care of. Crossing my fingers that everything goes well.

I got a nice, new tv today. I'm so happy. It's cute and the perfect size for my needs (19") and silver even! Now eveything is so much nicer to watch in my room. A great being woohoo for that. Also...the most interesting think of note today.........

Guess what I did? Give up? Okay then...I told Jake how much I love and adore him and want to have his babies. I can do this because it's obviously never going to happen (unless...no, it won't. unless....) (<------------sorry, Homer moment O.o ) Anyway here's how I did it. Just a good old away message on one of my screen names: hehe....i love, love, love jacob. i wanna have his babies! yummy yummy boy. i want jacob tomuri to marry me! let it be known here and now, this is an offical invite to jake to marry me! :-* i love you, you're beautiful. ::sigh:: wow! o.O I am...((DUM DUM DUM)) empty promise chick <-------just like Kids in the Hall! But I really do think Jake is kick ass...even if he leaves blue hair colour everywhre he goes ^_*! ((hehe...nothin but love...)

Oh, I almost forgot. I wanted to dedicate something to all the guys who claimed they loved me but didn't really and hurt me so badly that they prolly don't even realize the extent of it. Boys, this one's for you:
"You Think You're a Man"
Turn around
Stand up like a man and look me in the eye
Turn around
Take one final look at what you left behind
And walk away
From the greatest lover you have ever known
Yes walk away You're telling me that you can make it on your own
By yourself, all alone, without my help
Mister you just made a big mistake

You think you're a man but you're only a boy
You think you're a man
You are only a toy
You think you're a man
But you just couldn't see
You weren't man enough to satisfy me

Shut the door
Take a look around and tell me what you find
Shut the door
Take a giant step for you and all mandkind
Then don't come back
I always gave you so much more than you deserved
No don't come back
Cuz no one makes a fool of my you've go a nerve
To walk away
Mock the words I'm gonna say
Mister you just made a big mistake

You think you're a man but you're only a boy
You think you're a man
You are only a toy
You think you're a man
But you just couldn't see
You weren't man enough to satisfy me

Shut the door
Take a look around and tell me what you find
Shut the door
Take a giant step for you and all mandkind
Then don't come back
I always gave you so much more than you deserved
No don't come back
Cuz no one makes a fool of my you've go a nerve
To walk away
Mock the words I'm gonna say
Mister you just made a big mistake

You think you're a man but you're only a boy
You think you're a man
You are only a toy
You think you're a man
But you just couldn't see
You weren't man enough to satisfy me

End transmission

2003-07-29T23:57:00.000-04:00

I give the fuck up! I fuckin quit. As of right now, anyone who reads this best know not to even fucking talk to me again. And if you know other people who know me but don't read this you'd best tell them the same. Until I get all of my shit together and make sure no one can bug me anymore, I want to be left alone. Every fuckin person ! know sux a huge fuckin cock...so just stay way. You're all fuckin assholes and I'd rather die a slow, lonely death than have to talk to any of you ever again.

THE END

2003-07-28T20:48:00.000-04:00

Time's a'changin...

Thanks to all who sent their love and well wishes for Sammy. We picked him up this morning and he's doing much better. His breathing is good and there isn't much now in the way of drainage. Mostly he's just been trying to cough since he's been home. They gave me some antibiotics to give him and that should do the trick. He's already looking out the door with a passion to get outside. I'm glad. I was worried sick about him. But now my baby's home and all is well.

Also on the updates column, Luke pleaded guilty at trial but was given a very just sentence due to his remorse over his part in what happened. Amber isn't going to go back with Pride, but stay with Bray in the city to have their child. Ned and Alice seem to be hooking up. Yay for them, even though I think ned id a little annoying and shady. But Alice is tough, so maybe she'll straighten him out.... Lex as kind of a dick and humiliated May, but we all love Lex anyway, so i'm sure you can all find it in your hearts to forgive him. ::wink:: Jack is back. Of course the poor thing thinks things can pick up right where they left off. He doesn't know that since he left Allie fell for Luke. Of course Luke, ever selfless, told Allie that he thought it would be best for all of them if she stayed with Jack. But I like Luke better, so I'm hoping she tells him she'd still rather be with him. But maybe that's just me. If I were her I'd stay with Luke...even if he did do some bad things. That's the longs and short of the updates, and if you don't know what I'm talking about then just ignore all that stuff you just read. I'm not here to explain it to the clueless, just inform those in the know about my opinions and if they missed something, give them a little bit of a heads up. Thank you and now back to your reguarly schedualed blog.....

Aparently today is the officail Haranshire reach out and touch an outcast day. Nicky's been trying to talk to me for a while now and Jess and I talked. I was very pissed at the begining of my convo with her, but I calmed down somewhat by then end. I'm not sure if I believe the part about her considering me a friend, but then again I don't believe most people when they claim they are my friend. Especially as of late. Of course I'm considering an interesting little test to find out the truth. We shall see. The funny thing was this:
Luv Da Sandy (8:03:23 PM): Rocknglow: tell her i'm really really sorry, and that as far as that is concerned it's a two way street....look at the lies and bull she's done to me....what she's told Lindsey about me etc
Nicky says I've lied about her and done bullshit. I'd like to hear what so of these things are. The only things Lindsey and I have said about her are things we have both experienced from her. Sometime I wonder if she's acting this way because she's pissed that I'm not following her around like her puppy dog or something. I got tired of feeling like that's what I was...and besides, she made my family weary. And my family is pretty hard to freak out or piss off (after all, they deal with me, right?). But whatever. I just don't think I like who I was around her. Now I'm getting back to normal and feeling good again. Good friends, good drag shows, good places to go. I'm happy now. You'd think that if Nicky truely was my friend she'd think about the fact that I was unhappy then and now I'm not and decide that that was more important. But who am I to judge? so much has changed since I left the group (or as I sometimes like to refere to it, "cult a`la Toman."). It seems like if you don't act exactly how they want you to you get singled out and get to play scape goat until they find a new target. It's like being on an episode of Survivor. Does this mean I voted myself off the island? ::sigh:: Such is life. Best to be happy rather than popular, says I.

One last bit of news before I go. My hair is now shorter and black. I absolutely love the color. The cut is starting to grow on me (aw, shit. Was that a pun?). Mostly I did it because I didn't like how the ends felt so dry, so I'm starting it over again. Since my foray into the wonderful world of drag queens I have been taking mad care of myself. I look a lot different then before. Of course I'm also getting a queen's attitude, including the brutal honesty. I'm learning to tell things exactly how I see them. I very much dig this change in me. One of the best things you can learn from a queen is "love thyself hunny, cos if you don't, why the hell should anybody else?" You go gurl! Too true. Speaking of love thyself, it's about time for my workout, so I'll catch ya l8r.

2003-07-28T08:32:00.000-04:00

((Insert Mission Impossible theme here))

check, check.... Phase one comlete in operation "get the fuck outta haranshire's evil grasp." Phase two: find a shorter code name for mission. Seriously, I've taken the first step in disappearing as it were. And later today I'm going to start working on the next step. Of course I'm not dumb enough to tell you what I'm doing. Only my loyal manservant Pedro may know the true workings of "the plan." Just know that things are well underway and soon I'll be out like a deaf kid in marco polo.

I'm dying my hair right now. Yes, you may ask what colour it is going to be...black. No, it is not burning my scalp. And no, I do not think the fumes are getting to me. Are we done with that? Good. Lets move on, then.

Sam's still not a hundred percent, but they tell me that he seems more comfortable and happy today. He's still having trouble breathing though, from what I gathered, but hopefully it won't be long before the antibiotics let them know if the problem truely is an infection. I hope that whatever it turns out to be that it isn't something serious. I just want my boy to come back safe and sound. I've had too much crying already this month for anything to be wrong with Sammy. If he doesn't get to come home soon I want to see if I can't just go and spend a little time with him there. I just don't want him to wonder why I'm not there. Besides, I really miss him and just want to give him a great big hug. My poor little guy.... I just want him to be home, safe and sound.

2003-07-27T07:17:00.000-04:00

Business, then pleasure

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch...is that all that Nicky ever does? Oh, no, I forgot. She lies too. I mean shit, my own mother doesn't even trust her in the house. That tells you there's something wrong, cuz my mom likes everybody. Anyway, Nicky was all up in my kool aide yesterday so I told her what I think then blocked her from my buddy list. I don't particuairly dislike anyone in Haranshire...except for her and Jess. At least Jess gave something of an appology for her part. Did you think I wouldn't find this shit out Nicole? You're not the only one who likes to talk. People say things and I learn the truth. But I don't care. My life is so much better without you being able to come in and wreak it. The people I'm around now could sense your unworthyness from a hundred miles away. You're a snake in a bitches clothing. I know enough about you to fuckin bury you if I wanted to, but you aren't worth the energy it would take. And if you think you can make my life miserable by saying shit about me, go the fuck ahead. The people you know aren't my friends and if any of them are, they'd have enough sense to know you're full of shit. I don't want you to even try and talk to me again. And if I so much as hear that my name has been uttered by you, I ain't gonna be happy. So go find someone else to torment. Keep doing it until people see you for what you really are. Then when you're all alone and nobody gives a shit about whether you're alive or dead, let's see what you do. Just call me Kharma...I'm a fuckin bitch, ain't I?

Now on to the happy...thank yous go out to Lunchbox and Juicy for the fun convos last night...especially to Lunchy for the marriage proposal ::wink::. I am, however, never going to talk to either of them about anything carnival related...ever again. Of course I'll still ask Tommy if he can find a nice carnie woman for Juicy. Hehe. Carnies all the way, baby! Talking to them was one of those good things that made me feel better even though I'm still worried sick about Sammy.

The vet is supposed to call today and let me know if the antibiotics have started helping yet...and hopefully he'll have been able to check and make sure there are no ulcers on his throat (like kitty strep). I miss my boy already. I wish I could go see him and give him a hug and a kiss and make sure he's not scared of being there. I felt so aweful leaving him there all alone. He hasn't had to go away anywhere overnight in more than a year, so I hope he's doing alright. I'm sure they're taking good care of him, but I know he wants to be with his family here. My poor little boy's never been sick before...at least not like this. Damned resperatory infections. I guess I should make the best of this and think of it as experience to help me deal better with my own baby the first time he'll get sick.

Yesterday I also went to HarborFest. It wasn't bad. I mostly hung out by the rides. I think since I was with Tommy I just really enjoy the atmosphere. Of course everytime I saw the cotton candy stand...gee, I wonder what I thought about. I think it's gonna be a while before I stop assocciating cotton candy with sex. Ah well, such is life. Anyway, hung out, spent most of my time sitting on a bench in front of the whack a mole game. most of the time I was just trippin out on the lights, but sometime I watched and knew who would win. Some of these games are easy to figure out the trick to, but it's amazing how much more you seem to catch when you spend enough time around these guys. The fireworks at the end of the night were pretty cool, even though the show could have been longer.

Since I'm on the whole amusement/Tommy subject, he'll be coming back to Syracuse soon enough. Call me crazy but I'm kinda excited. There's a ton of things I wanna tell him about. And plus I just wanna see him. Before he left, he asked if he could call me when he came back, so I think he will. If it turns out he doesn't, it's still all good. We had fun and I learned some things. That's what matters. The chance to continue getting to know him would just be a bonus. I already love him for getting me to check out Portishead. I'm so superficial though. I like the way he looks a lot too. Tall, skinny, cute smile. I thought it was so funny when I ganked his hat and got to see what his hair really looked like. It was all long and great to mess with. It's so amazing that one little hat can change him from looking so cute and preppy to completely my type. He also digs Cradle of Filth as much as me...and we smoke the same cigarettes. He gave me my new favorite title: gothic princess. It's funny, I've been called a goth before, but I always took offense to it cuz it seemed to be a title for white faced, all black wearing, dark overload worshiping cemetary dwellers. So not me. But the way he puts it seems to fit. I like that he makes me feel pretty. Hehe...even my bellybutton aparently. So, yes, I'd want to see him again. And yes, I would want to stay with him after hours again. He was so nice and fun to be around. He's awoken the "carnie within." Yep...maybe it's that gypsy blood, but he makes being a carnie seem like it's not so bad. *Please note that this doesn't mean I want to run away with him and live out the rest of my days as some sort of carnie fugative...it just means that if he still wants to offer me work with him in Syracuse I'd take him up on it.* But I won't know how things are actually going to be until about 4 weeks from now. Until then...L8s!

2003-07-26T05:40:00.000-04:00

Longest post ever?

I found this posted on the SOLAR fun forum...and you know I couldn't resist doing it. So, just when you thought you knew enough about me.....

1. Name - Danni
2. DOB: 14 May, 1984
3. Astrological Sign: Taurus
4. Profession: none
5. Height: 5'1"
6. Weight: yeah right.....
7. Hair Color: black
8. Eye Color: brown
9. Siblings? yes...
10. Color that you like to wear: red and black
11. Regardless of size or circumstance, an animal you would like to have as a pet: Siberian Husky
12. A flower you would like to grow in your garden: lilies
13. Your lucky Number: 3
14. A scent that makes you pause: resin insense
15. A taste that makes you melt: cotton candy
16. A hobby that occupies your time: designing my webpage
17. A sport you enjoy watching: rugby
18. A sport you enjoy playing: ???
19. A city you like to visit: Atlanta
20. A country you like/would like to explore: New Zealand
21. Your fave meal: chicken enchiladas (mommy style)
22. A drink you often order: diet Dew
23. Fave dessert: canolis
24. A game you like to play: D & D
25. A book you strongly suggest: Illusions
26. An author who has affected you: Anne Rice
27. The magazine you read most frequently: Cosmo
28. Music you prefer to listen to when you're alone: Portishead
29. The artist/band you currently listen to most: HIM
30. A film you could watch over and over: Donnie Darko
31. A director you admire: Stanly Kurbric (sp?)
32. An actress whose performances you admire: Camron Diaz
33. An actor whose performances you admire: Edward Norton
34. A TV show you watch regularly: the Tribe
35. An artist whose work you highly respect: my aunt Kathy
36. A piece of clothing you love to wear: my camo skater "shorts"
37. A monument you would like to have a view of from your bedroom: none
38. Your fave time of day: dawn
39. Your fave place to sit at home: my bed
40. What you most like to do on Sunday: sleep
41. Your motto: sometimes when it hurts it's just starting to get good
42. Your children: why you all up in my kool aide? you ain't my baby's daddy...
43. Your pets: 2 cats (Sam and Dusty) and a fishy lil fish
44. You live in: a house
45. Your transportation: either a bus or the subaru
46. Your cologne/perfume: honeyed almond (bath and body works)
47. Something important on your desk: my sewing machine
48. On your walls hang: poster of legolas, feather wreath
49. When you sleep, you wear: nothing
50. Things you like to buy: books, music, things to increase my vanity (i'm going to hell for that one...)
51. If you could afford it at the moment, you would buy: i'd use it to go back to school and pay my medical bills
52. You collect: Happy Bunny stuff, tall socks, underwear
53. Your strangest possession: a tiarra
54. Your prized possession: Sam
55. Material possessions are: fleeting, but often meaningful
56. If your house was burning and you had time to rescue three things: Sam, my photos, my art/writing binder
57. The first time you had sex, you were this age: legal
58. A time you purposely hurt someone emotionally: my little brother...I told him he was just like his father
59. Do you believe in God? I believe in many...
60. What religion were you raised with? Catholic...I guess
61. Do you practice this religion? no
62. Your most spiritual moment: waking up beside the person I love
63. Death is: not the end
64. Have you ever been treated by a psychotherapist? yes...

Pro/Con

65. Right to have an abortion - pro
66. Right to own guns - pro
67. The welfare system - con
68. Death Penalty - pro
69. Rights/services for illegal immigrants: con
70. legalization of drugs: pro
71. equal rights for homosexuals - pro

72. What issue concerns you most? this damned war...
73. Politically, you define yourself as: avoidant at all costs
74. The worst crime against humanity: ignorance
75. Three things you like about your mother:
a. her devotion
b. that she's so accepting and open minded
c. her loving and forgiving nature
76. Three things you like about your father:
a. his remorse
b. the eloquent way he can use his words
c. the balls he had to write to me after so many years
77. Your most beautiful childhood memory of your parents: I have none
78. Your most horrifying experience of your parents: the stories I've heard about the way he treated her
79. Your mother often said: you have so much talent, you're capable of so much
80. Your father often said: (I don't know)
81.If you had to imagine your mother as an animal, she'd be: a lioness
82 If you had to imagine your father as an animal, he'd be: a monkey (as in a great big slut monkey...)
83. You and your siblings share a common: genetic configuration
84. Something you wish for your mother: that I didn't cause her so much stress
85. Something you wish for your father: that he could be the kind of father he wanted to be
86. Three traits you look for in a friend:
a. compassion
b. loyalty
c. support
87. The friend you have known for the longest amount of time: current? Lindsey
88. Is this person a close friend? why/why not?: yes. she just is
89. The friend you miss the most: Chrissy
90. A friend who makes you laugh often: Andy
91. A friend whom you can tell anything: Lindsey
92. A friend you can flirt with: umm...
93. A friend you should not flirt with as much as you do: umm...
94. A friend you've lost for reasons other than death: Shelley
95. A friend who is most like you/why: James...trust me...
96. A friend who is most unlike you/why: Paul. cuz he's Canadian?
97. Your three best qualities: wit, fierce loyalty, heart
98. Your three worst qualities: bitchiness, ability to hold a grudge, paranoia
98. If you had to imagine yourself as an animal, you would be: a lynx
99. Three words that describe how others view you: sexy gothic princess (or so I've been told...)
100. Three things you are most often complimented on: my physical appearance, my wit, my artistic nature
101. Which one of the three compliments listed is most meaningful to you? the last one
102. A compliment that made you blush: a guy (gay) at charades told be i have fabulous breasts...or maybe when Tommy told me that he thought I had (among other things) a sexy bellybutton. (he's sweet, but weird)
103. Who gave you this compliment: see above
104. An insult that made you burn: someone called me a cheater
105. The number of drinks that constitutes your limit: a nice sized bottle of Southern Comfort
106. Your best physical feature: my lips (or, depending on who you ask, my ass...)

Yes or No

107. You keep a diary/journal - ::sarcastic:: no
108. You like to cook - sometimes
109. You exercise regularly - yes
110. You doodle while you're on the phone - yes
111. You have read a book in the past month - yes
112. You like crossword puzzles - yes
113. You have a secret you have never shared with anyone - yes
114. You wait til the last minute to fill your car with gas - no
115. You snore - ask one of my ex boyfriends...
116. You often have people over at your home - no
117. You talk in your sleep - sometimes
118. You eat fast - yes
119. You like hiking - yes
120. You like being on the phone - no
121. You shave regularly - hehe...only if I think I'm gonna have sex
122. You set your watch a few minutes ahead - no
123. You're always late - no
124. You smoke - yes
125. You've had sex in an airplane - no
126. When you think you have done something wrong, you are quick to apologize - no
127. You have fired a gun - yes
128. You often have the last word - yes

129. Three people you consider to be geniuses:
a. Steve Merrit
b. my Aunt Kathy
c. Tolkin
130. Your three favorite childhood toys/games:
a. slip'n'slide
b. dressing up and dancing around
c. barbies (although I think they all managed to become lesbians...)
131. Three sounds that disturb you:
a. complete scilence
b. howling wind
c. cries
132. Three lessons you've learned the hard way:
a. you can't always trust someone as much as you'd like to
b. nothing lasts forever
c. you have to make your own oppertunities
133. Three things which you are grateful:
a. my strength
b. my momma
c. the gifts I was blessed with
134. Your dream: that I'll find true happiness
135. Your hope: the world will be a better place for my child than it is for me
136. If you had the talent or the opportunity, you would: sing (either on broadway on on the radio...)
137. Something you wish you could learn in the snap of a finger: how to control my temper
138. Something you wish you could change about your life: less pain
139. Something you are trying to change about yourself: not to have diabetes
140. Someones diary you would love to read: oh, the possibilities... I know who's, but I won't say
141. Three qualitites your ideal man/woman should posess: sincerity, understanding, loyalty
142. Three qualities your ideal relationship should have:
a. love
b. faith
c. honesty
143. How would you like to spend the last minutes of your life? with someone I love...
144. Someone who should not, under any circumstances, speak at your funeral: Nicky
145. Someone you would like to speak at your funeral: Lindsey
146. A dream you had more than once: killing people who have hurt me
147. The emotion you tend to hide the most is: sadness
148. The predominant emotion you have experienced lately: confusion
149. A moment you achieved/experienced absolute happiness: being with the person I care about most in the world
150. You have great amount of guilt regarding: thestress I've caused the people I love
151. A piece of music that makes you sentimental: "Picture" or "Abe Massiah"
152. When you are happy, you need: to cherish that moment
153. When you are sad, you need: to cry until I can't anymore, then watch a funny movie
154. When you are angry, you need: to beat the shit out of something...or have a good scream
155. When you are in love, you need: nothing more than the person I'm in love with
156. When you are lonely, you need: a hug
157. You would jump up and down and shout with joy right now if someone told you that: he wanted to be with me
158. The last time you were very angry: whe people who had claimed to be my friends almost ruined my life
159. The last time you cried uncontrollably: I can't keep track...
160. A moment in your life when your emotions froze and you felt absolutely nothing: the last time I got dumped
161. Someone who genuinely makes you or has made you happy: Phil
162. Something that makes you happy: writing
163. You get angry with yourself when: I feel like I've disappointed my momma

164. Write down the colors that you associate with the following words:
a. fear - white
b. happines - orange
c. anger - black
d. jealousy - green
e. love - purple
f. sadness - blue
g. guilt - brown
i. lonliness - grey

165. Your earliest memory: I think the thrid grade...
166. When you were a child, you beleived in: survival (sad but true)
167. Your first paying job: cashier
168. You are haunted by the memory of: Kieth
169. The memory that still makes you laugh: being in the cotton candy stand...
170. A person who was exceptionally kind to you: Taylor
171. A person who made you miserable for a long time: ::cpughcough::bitch::coughcough::
172. One of your most peaceful moments: watching Phil sleep
173 One of your most jealous moments: when people I'm with make out in front of me while I'm all alone
174. One of your angriest memories: feeling betrayed by a so-called friend...
175. One of your most desperate moments: no comment
176. A smell that reminds you of childhood: I can't really describe it...I just know it when I smell it...

This or that
sunrise/sunset - sunset
sweet/sour - sweet
sahara/himalaya - himalayas
dolphin/eagle - dolphin
old/new - new
hot/cold - hot
coke/pepsi - coke
soft/hard - is this a sexual question?
train/plane - train
yesterday/tomorrow - tomorrow
red/blue - red
fast/slow -slow
Beatles/Elvis - Elvis
blind/deaf - deaf
open/closed - open
bath/shower - shower
square/circle - circle
fire/water - water
lightning/thunder- thunder
black/white - black
ocean/forest -forest
dogs/cats - cats
day/night - night
leaves/roots - leaves
left/right - left
cremation/burial - mumification
victim/criminal - both
even/odd - even
written/spoken - written
woman/man - man (this is a sexual preference question, yes?)
carpet/hardwood floor - carpet
earthquake/hurricane - earthquake
city/countryside -city
vanilla/chocolate - vanilla
abstract/figurative - abstract
limited/open ended - open ended
house/condominium - house
Sun/rain - rain
briefs/boxers - comando
pen/pencil - pencil
horns/strings - strings
summer/winter - summer
silver/gold - silver

177. Your greatest fear: being alone
178. Something that has been on your mind lately: relationships
179. Something that has been on your mind for a long time: what I am going to do to better my life
180. Three people who have affected you the most:
a. Phil
b. my momma
c. Andy B.
181. Choose an existing book or movie title that defines you: Queen of the Damned
182. When you want to get to know someone, you say or ask: top or bottom? (hehe...just kidding)
182. In social situations you tend to
avoid them at all costs
183. When attracted to someone, you like to be
hover until iI get a feel for what they think of me, then act accordingly

184. The largest age difference you had in a relationship: 9 years
185. Something someone said or did that you found extrememly attractive: Tommy asked if he could kiss me
186. Something someone said or did that you found frighteningly unattractive: thought that buying me beer meant he could try to grope me
187. A physical trait you find attractive: long hair is so sexy on a guy
188. A personality trait you find attractive: being sweet
189. The farthest distance you traveled with to be with the one you desired: several hundred miles (9 hours)
190. What you enjoy most about a relationship: feeling so connected to another person
191. The thing you enjoy least about relationships: when things get to the point where you don't want to be in the relationship anymore but you don't break up, so you're both miserable
192. You feel most attractive when: when I'm not thinking about it
193. A book, song or movie title that describes your sexuality: "I'm Horney" by Mousse T
194. Sex is: amazing, when it's right...dissapointing when it's someone you don't feel a connection with
195. If you had a plane ticket to anywhere in the world, you would visit: New Zealand
196. If you had a million dollars: no more evil medical bills!
197. If you were a tree or plant, you would be: venus fly trap
198. If you were a beverage or cocktail, you would be: Southern Comfort
199. Two things you did today: bought hair dye, watched the Tribe
200. What song fits your mood today/why? "Abadeo" b/c isn't about wanting to be with the person you love
"
Name Four Things That You Wished You Had:
- someone's love
- money
- my own car
- more true friends

Name Four Scents You Love:
- that yummy man smell
- coconut
- axe
- hehe...cotton candy

Name Two People You Know Best:
- Phil
- Jason
Name Four Things You'd Never Wear:
- a size zero
- uncomforable shoes
- anything that makes me look like a gap ad
- granny panties

Name Four Things You Are Thinking About:
- hoping Sam feels better soon
- thinking about someone...
- wondering what I'm going to do now
- how to get my life the way I want it to be

Name Four Things You Did Today:
- went to Wally World
- worked on my site
- sent out an email
- cleaned my room

Name Four Bands/Groups Most People Don't Know You Like:
- Portishead
- Tool
- Gloria Gaynor
- (Sir) Elton John

LAST THING YOU...
- did: signed a petition
- read: sieze the dawn
- watched on tv: the Tribe

EITHER / OR
- club or house party: club
- tea or coffee: tea (preferably herbal)
- high achiever or easy-going: easy going
- cats or dogs: cats
- pen or pencil: pencil
- gloves or mittens: gloves
- cassette or cd: cd
- snuff or cigarettes: cigarettes
- coke or pepsi: coke
- matches or a lighter: lighter

WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
- kill: I think it's pretty damned obvious...
- hear from: Not gonna say it...
- look like: myself
- be like: myself

FAVORITE
- food: fried chicken
- drink: diet Dew
- color: red
- shoes: my red and black platform sneakers
- site: tribeword.com
- song: "you'll follow me down" by Skunk Anansie
- vegetable: zuchinni (sp?)
- fruit: plum

LAST TIME..
- last movie you saw: Donnie Darko
- last movie you saw on the big screen: Bruce Almighty
- last thing you had to drink: diet coke
- last thing you ate: slim jim
- last time you cried: tonight
- last time you smiled: a lil while ago
- last time you laughed: tonight
- last time you danced: about half an hour ago
- last person you hugged: Sam
- last thing you said: it's gonna be okay
- last person you talked to online: Jason
- last thing you smelled: my kitty's fur

DO YOU...?
- smoke: yes
- do drugs: nah
- sleep with a stuffie: not really...sometimes Sam will take a nap with me though
- have a dream that keeps coming back: yes
- believe there is life on other planets: yes
- read the newspaper: some of it
- have any gay or lesbian friends: yeppers!
- believe in miracles: yes
- believe it's possible to remain faithful forever: yes
- consider yourself tolerant of others: somewhat
- consider police a friend or foe: depends on the cirumstances
- like the taste of alcohol: yes
- have a favorite Stooge: Shemp
- believe in astrology: yes
- believe in magic: YES!!!
- pray: yes, in a way
- go to church: but wiccans don't have a church per say...

There you have it. A nice half hour of reading material about me. I'm going to regret this, aren't I?

2003-07-26T02:27:00.000-04:00

Requesting positive thoughts and prayers

My baby's sick! I'm so worried about him. I prolly shouldn't be, he'll prolly be fine in a couple of days, but I'm so paranoid. I jst want Sammy to be all nice and healthy. The poor thing is all stuffed up. He can't breath through his nose right now, so he's mouth is hanging open and each time he inhales I can hear the gunk in his lungs rattling around. And he tries to cough it out and everything, but I don't think he's making much progress. And his eyes are all watery and teared up. Poor boy doesn't even have the engery to go run around outside. He's been laying down all day, expect for a few occasions to eat and then he just sneezes like crazy. That's actually how it started. He was sneezing up a storm. I thought maybe he was allergic to something outside or something, but now he's got all these other problems. If he's this bad in the morning I'm going to try to get him to the vet so we can get some medicine for him. I'm really worried though. He's my little baby. I've raised him since he was just a little runt of a kitten. I feel like a mother. But Sam really is like a child to me. He's my boy and I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him. Maybe I shouldn't be this freaked. I know that one day he won't be here anymore. But it's still gonna hurt like hell when that day comes....

2003-07-25T00:30:00.000-04:00

The Power of Goodbye

This is where I say goodbye, I suppose. I'm leaving as soon as I can muster up all that I need. I'm running away, I'll admit it. I think I just can't handle the knowledge that I've lose the only thing I ever could have asked for. So I've chosen to start over. I'm planning on leaving the country and going to the place I've always wanted to call my home. I think leaving everything behind may be the best way for me to get over everything that's happened. So I've already started. Slowly, I'm letting go of everything in my life now. This is why I am saying goodbye here. I'll leave the site up for about a week more, then get rid of everything. I'm getting rid of pictures right now too. I wish I could just forget so easily, but I know it will take me a long time. I just need to spend that time working towards the move instead of thinking about my loses. I wish I felt as though I had any other choice, but I don't. I can't just wish for things to go back to the way they used to be...when I was happy. I don't even feel like the same person. I'm too numb. I can't stand to be around anyone anymore. And the memories haunt me. Every little thing is a reminder. I suppose I should go ahead and delete my other blog, after all, what's the point in keeping when the inspiration for it has died. I've kept it for sentiment, but I'll never be able to let go while I have it around. It's a shame he never did get to see it...maybe then he would have realized how important he was to me. Too little too late, I suppose. Now I'm left with nothing really. Just the last whispers of a faded dream. I won't let go this time. I wanted to do this so many times. Maybe if I go for it I'll be able to let go of everything else and finally find happiness. I've lived through so much agony...don't I deserve something that won't break my heart? I know I sound like a coward, but I think I'm quite brave as well. Starting over again from scratch takes more strength than most people know. Especially when you're leaving the country you've spent most of your life on. It's not like moving from Florida to Maine. It's crossing an ocean, living in a whole new culture. I think I'm going to miss it here, but I'm learning to let go of all these things that I've been clinging to. When I leave America, I'm going to leave it all behind. I think the only person I truely plan to stay in contact with here is my mother. I wish I could change things. I never thought to really leave America before, but there's nothing left for me. Everyone I care about seems to just abondon me in the end. I can't let that happen anymore. I'll be a new person. I won't let people get into my heart like that and hurt me anymore. But I'll stop talking now. I have so much to do and I want it done as soon as possible. I need to leave. It's the only choice I have left. But before I go I will say one last time: I loved you more than anyone or anything in my life. I would have done anything in my power for you. I love you still even while I'm trying to let go and forget. I know you were just trying yo do the best thing for me. I think the best thing for both of us is to clearly mark that line in the sand. We are not together anymore. I can't be happy (as much as I'd like to) just being your friend. It kills me inside everytime I ask myself why we aren't together anymore. I hope you find what you need in the army. I wish you all the luck and blessings in the world. I will pray for you tonight before I go to sleep. I will pray for us both. That you will always be safe and happy and healthy, and that I can learn to move on and feel like a real person again, istead of this numb, trapped shell of the woman I used to be. I do love you...even when it's killing me to do so. Goodbye. To you, and to everything else I am trying to leave behind. Goddess, help me on this one....

2003-07-20T02:35:00.000-04:00

Saying goodbye...for now (AKA my last night with Tommy...until August anyway OR a blog to a friend)

Well, I had fun. Yes, I did go out to see Tommy again. No, I don't care what anyone else thinks about it. I like him and he's been nothing but nice to me. That's all that matters. I'll be seeing him again when he comes back into Syracuse next month. I don't care if anyone else likes him or hates him. I like him. Even my mom seems alright about him. She's only leary beacuse we just met a few days ago. But I've told her about him and she seems to like what I have said. I told her about how he's kept every promise he's made to me, how he walked me back to Lindsey's after we spent Thursday night together, he even asked if he could kiss me before he did. Yeah, my friends are right...he's such a jerk. What the hell was I thinking? Oh, yeah, that I like hanging out with him and I don't need to be told who I should and should be around. As I said, he treated me well and that's more than I was hoping for when I first decided to talk to him. He's called me two days in a row. Also more than I had been expecting. Not that I thought he was some asshole who was going to diss me, but I wasn't going to sit like a schoolgirl in front of the phone and jump everytime it rang because "it has to be him." No, he didn't call me the night he said he would, but yesterday when he called he appologised for not calling when he said, but he had a lot to do that night. I know he has a lot to do. His work is a lot tougher than one might expect it to be. Looks like the cute cotton candy boy is more responsible (and paid damn well) then you'd think. I just want to know, does anyone care that Tommy was fun to be with and made my week so much happier? If nothing else, can't you at least respect him for that? I'm not asking you to trust him...or even like him, but please do me one favor and at least don't say things about him when your with me. You know that I'm just going to keep defending his character...and honestly, it hurts me to always be on the defensive. If this is what's going to happen every time I mention his name, then I might just have to back off from the nay sayers until I can prove that Tommy's as nice and worthy of trusting as I believe him to be. I know I don't know him all that well, but we just met a few days ago. When he comes back next month we'll get to know each other more. I like him...maybe a little more than I should, but that's my business. I'm not attached to him so much that if I don't talk to him again I'll feel bad, but if I have to hear one more negative word out of him from anybody else's mouth, there's gonna be some shitty witty goin down. May I repete: I was happy to be around him, my thoughts about him are and will continue to be happy ones. If anyone says anything about him that deminishes the positivity of those thoughts, I will snap...and so will your neck. Let me have one thing in my life not be destroyed. Doesn't the world owe me at least that much? My life has literally fallen to pieces in the last month or two. I've cries so many times that there are points where I just have none left. Let me be happy when I think about this week at Field Days. I'm not asking you anything but to keep you ill will toward him to yourself and not destory something in this fucked up world that I look back on and smile about. No regrets. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. I don't regret a minute of my time with Tommy, except maybe that we didn't have the time and space to spend more time together. I'm prolly going to be gone for a little while in any case, but please, don't ruin my happiness. I think that just to let things cool off a bit and ensure that you realize how much I'll feel hurt if you say anything bad about Tommy, I'm going to just take some time to myself anyway. That way I'll feel more at ease since you've had some time to let things get out of your system. He is a nice guy, please try to understand that. He did call me again tonight, you know. Do you think he would do that if I didn't mean at least something to him. He wants me to come see him when he comes back, and he even said that if I ever needed something (including work) that he'd do what he could for me. I told you he's a dear.But I think I'll stop for now. I know you said you aren't mad at me anymore, but who knows, after you read this maybe you're gonna get pissed all over again. I don't understand why. Call me crazy, but shouldn't I be the angery one? After all I like him and you were fine with that until wewent into the cotton candy stand the first night. But you were okay with me getting free food and ride passes from him because he liked me. Why do you think I went about bought Candice tickets instead? I didn't think that was right to do. But I'm getting off the subject. I was trying to wrap this up, so anyway..... If you're mad after you read this, or even if ou don't think you can spend time with me without saying something bad every time I mention Tommy, then just let me know when you think you can, and I'll be happy to talk to you. Until then just know that I love you and you mean so much to me. This is just something I have to do if I'm going to stay happy. BTW, Tommy didn't want anything like this to happen. He said the second night I was with him that he hoped that this would become an issue between us. But if I could do it all over again, I still would have gone with him that night. I'm sorry if that upsets you, I'm just being honest. Anyway, I'm sleepy and ready to drift off and dream of cotton candy (matresses...mmm...soft and yummy). G'night. Luv. L8s.

2003-07-19T03:25:00.000-04:00

My favorite thing about field days...

I just want to say to those of you that had any doubts, HAHAHA!!! Guess who called and talked to me for almost an hour tonight (we just hung up about five minutes ago)...Tommy. Yep. The "horrid, evil, lying carnie" called me back tonight. He didn't call the night he said he would because he had too much to do that night. And (yeah, there's more) he asked me to come and see him again after they close up tomorrow. So there. He's not a bad person. He's nice and cool and just plain fun. And I'll have you know that the night I was with him after my friends left, he walked me home (well to Lindsey's) when I was ready to go. And he called, as promised. And I'm safe and healthy. And the only reason he said what he did to Candice is because it's none of her business. And as I have said before, I would have been fine with him not calling me, but he did. That's what you guys get for being nosy. But I'm happy to say that he did infact call and I am going to visit him tomorrow to say goodbye until he comes back to Syracuse for the fair. And he told me that if I want to he'll hook me up with a job there when they roll in. Maybe I'm just gloating right now, but I think I've earned it. That's what you get for judging somebody from their line of work. He kept all of his promises to me. Maybe from now on people will let me make my own choices and not get involved. Remember: I'm an adult and have at least as much world experience as you guys, maybe more. And if I am making a mistake, then it's mine to make. And this wasn't a mistake. I got to know a cool person, have fun, get offered work, and add a couple of interesting twists to "I Have." So yes, I'm going to see him tomorrow and I prolly won't see him again until the fair, but that's what I knew from the start. I'm perfectly happy with what happened. Maybe if people left me to my own devises a bit more often I'd be a little happier. I know they mean well, but they honestly made things worse for me. Why else would I have tried to take off the other night? Right now things are good, I'm happy, and as long as no one gives me anymore shit about "carnies" I'll stay that way. Just because he works for the carnival doesn't mean he's a complete asshole. He's a little bit weird (in a good way, I promise) but he's not some player or anything. And if you don't believe me Linds, justtalk to me later and then you can rest assured. And FYI, we did talk quite a bit. He knows shit about me, I know shit about him. People shouldn't be pigion holed because of things like that. He did admit that most carnies are players who go and get it on every night, but that doesn't mean he's the same way. Alright, I'll stop going on now. I just think it's only fair for me to defend him as he treated me with nothing but respect. To recap: don't judge a candied apple until you've seen the core...or somethin like that!

2003-07-17T21:13:00.000-04:00

PICTURE By: Kid Rock f/Sheryl Crow

(Kid Rock)
Livin' my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel
I aint seen the sun shine in three damn days
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whisky
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried the day
I can't look at you, I'm lyin' next to her
I put your picture away, sat down and cried today
I can't look at you I'm lyin' next to her

(Sheryl Crow)
I called you last night in the hotel
Everyone knows but they wont tell
But their half hearted smiles tell me
Somethin' just ain't right
I been waitin' on you for a long time
Fuelin' up on heartaches and cheap wine
I ain't heard from you in three damn nights
I put your picture away
I wonder where you been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him
I put your picture away
I wonder where you been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him

I saw ya yesterday with an old friend
(Kid Rock)
It was the same ole same "how have you been"
(Both)
Since you been gone my world's been dark and grey

(Kid Rock)
You reminded me of brighter days
(Sheryl Crow)
I hoped you were comin' home to stay
i was headed to church
(Kid Rock)
I was off to drink you away

(Both)
I thought about you for a long time
Can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't understand why we're living life this way
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I just called to say, I love you come back home

2003-07-15T05:40:00.000-04:00

An apple a day?

My stomach hurts...a common occurance these days. Maybe it's just nerves, or maybe I've worked myself up so much lately that I have an ulcer now. Doc will love when I tell him about this one. I think he's already pretty irked at my health lately. There been a lot going on that I need to talk to him about. Besides this I've had a lot of trouble sleeping lately. Maybe I've developed insomnia. I've also been having more heart flutters than usual. Yesterday I had two or three in JoAnn's Fabrics and then again after Lindsey and I left WalMart.

All of that aside, I had a good day. I went to the bank which is always good. I love the girl I usually get when I go there. She's nice and she remembers my name as soon as I walk in and she talks to me about things like Godsmack. Anyway, after that I went to the bus stop and waited to catch one to Carousel. I met Lindsey down there and we got pizza for lunch (actually stroboli...so yummy!). Then we went to one of the arcades.I've decided that I really like the skateboarding game. I would have played DDR too, but my pants we way to huge and I prolly would have just fallen flat on my face. I saw something that I think I'm gonna buy at Hot Topic. As I said, I was at JoAnn's Fabrics. I got so many awesome ideas there for new garb. The only things I bought while I was there today were Time Magazine and a pair of Army olive drab pantys that say Booty Camp. They were too cute to resist. While I was in DEB buying them the cashier, Lindsey, and I started talking about drag queens. Turns out this girl hangs out at Charades too...and she knows Andy. It's a small world after all. After the mall we went downtown to catch the Camillus bus. While we were waiting we talked to another cool person who likes the club scene. He lives up on Tipp Hill (nice place) and was fun to talk to during our wait. Our buses came and we went our separate ways...on to WalMart! I ended buying the Gangs of New York DVD. If you haven't seen this movie I would so suggest you do. I absolutely love it and, even though I don't really like Leonardo DiCaprio, thought he was amazing in this. And the DVD has a lot of cool extras. I also bought a friggin huge box of crayons and a couple of coloring books, so me and Lindsey ended up sitting at my kitchen table tonight, coloring. Those are the highlights of the things I bought.

Tom was a total sweetheart and picked Lindsey and I up (lucky, cuz it had started raining). She's spending the night here. Right now I think she's passed out on my floor. I'm just amazed that she could find the floor. I talked to Trisha earlier. She's fun as hell. Arg...I'm so exhausted right now. I think I'm going to try and get some rest again...otherwise I'll never be able to hike to the village at 10:30 to catch the bus. I hope we go to the mall afterward. I really want to get that stuff. Nighty night...I hope.

2003-07-14T00:06:00.000-04:00

All HTML and no play make Danni something something

I'm all HTMLed out tonight, but I just wanted to say a couple things first. I've been working on my site all day and it's over halfway don't being converted and/or updated, so check everything out and tell me what you think of how it looks now. Isn't it pretty? Among other things I've added some more pictures (and there will be even more of those soon) , new links (including somethings to improve your kharma), and of course, new text. I'm also getting ready to start designing a new website for a project that's in the works. When that's set up I'll post about it here so you can all check it out. I'm happy with how the sites turning out. I really have to sit down with detrmination to get these things done, but it's worth it. Paul looked at it earlier and told me it looks excellent. Things like that make me so happy. Sometimes I really feel as if I have a true talent for this. I should go to school for this. That would be so awesome. I already know I rock at it. Maybe if we get back to Ken and ask him about it he can give me his opinion. But whatever...I'll worry about that during the day. I should get off the computer soon, cuz I have to go down to the village at 10 so I can stop by the bank then head of to th mall to meet Lindsey. I wonder if my mom would be willing to let me drive down to the village (so I can get some driving experience...and also just because I don't want to walk there) and then go back home....That could be a good idea. I'll see how she's feeling tomorrow and if she seems up and energized, I'll ask her. If not...I'll suck it up and walk.

Blah...my stomach has been acting up all week. Maybe I'm sick...or maybe it's an ulcer. If it keeps being so blah then I'll ask the doctor about it the next time I see him. Maybe I can get something for it. Anyway, I'm off to try and rest cuz it's going to be a busy day tomorrow. L8s!

2003-07-12T13:30:00.000-04:00

How could I forget?

::smacks self on forehead:: In my excitement about Phil and I talking again that I competely forgot to talk about Thursday night. I was talking to Lindsey online (moping) when she said "Andy says get ready" So I do a mad rush job to find something good to wear (btw, now that I have more money I'm gonna buy that dress I love), which wasn't much cuz I don't have many good clubbing outfits, but the great thing about Charades is that I can practically get away with wearing my underwear there. Hehehe...cami's and black pants. Then I spent forever and a day on my makeup, which paid off cuz Andy said I looked fierce! Then we stopped at his placeso he could do his hair. While we were there he showed me his giesha wig (absolutely fabulous) and a bunch of pictures (so now I've seen him and his boyfriend naked...yeah...anyway). Blah, blah, blah got ready, Lindsey enhanced my cleavage even though it so didn't need to be enhanced, we went to Wegmans and bought cigarettes and went to Charades. Turns out they were charging, so we decided to go visit JJ. I was so upset when I heard that he had gotten jumped one night coming home from Charades. But when we went to his place he didn't look so bad. I don't think his eye was black anymore, although it appears that he had to get stitches above his right eye. He doesn't remember everything that happened aparently. It pisses me off so much to think people would do that...especially cuz I bet it was a fucking hate crime. I wonder if he was in drag at the time....not that it should matter, but of course it always does. I'm glad he's alright though. That's the most important thing. We dropped him and another peson (I didn't catch her name, after all, she was very softspoken) off at the club before we set off to get money for the cover charge. Andy's mother came to the rescue and spotted him twenty bucks.

Then we headed back out and, as usual, the first thing we did when we got there was hit the bathroom. Then Andy went to get a drink and Lindsey and I headed towards the stage to watch the drag show. As usual, Jenna Taylor had some great music, Vicky Gemstone was fierce and did not one, but two cartwheels on stage, Shea had some of the cutest, shortest dresses I've seen, and Nikki was fantastic period. Two treats I got to witness were this one drag queen who performed "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" in a bra and panties with a real bondage look to the whole thing...and no wig. Kinda butch looking, but absolutely amazing. Her moves were excellent. (Later I found out that she's really tall and really pretty close up) The last performance of the night was fucking spectacular. Coco. She had on the most to die for outfit and she moved so increadibly well. Everyone went mad for her.

After the show we danced. I had a blast. I got so many compliments from these gay men. It was fabulous. I was told how fantastic my breats are, how pretty I am, and one guy came up to me on the dance floor and told me I was adorable. No wonder I'm such a fag hag. Hanging around with these dolls makes you take better care of your appearance and is wonderful for your self esteem. Of course if they don't like you you know they'll say it straight to your face too. Honesty is always worn best by a queen, I say.

Eventually the last call was sounded and we left. Lindsey had to go home, but I didn't feel like going back to mine so I happily obliged when Andy asked if I wanted to come back to his house and watch "something fierce." So after we dropped off Lindsey we went back to his place and watched Margaret Cho's "I'm the One that I Want." We both passed out before the end, but I managed to stay up for most of it and I must say., as I have before, I love her. She's so fucking funny. Anyway. Andy brought me back home yesterday before he had to go get Coco and take her to a club near PA where she was performing that night. As usual, Andy is an absolute blast to hang out with.

Haha...this morning at like 5 AM while I was still trying to drift to sleep, Sam came pawing at my door, so I let him in before he woke up my parents. He just struts into my room and hopes on my bed. I go over to it and lay down, and what does my little sweetie do? Curls up right next to me and starts purring and being like "pet me, love me, I'm oh so cute." And so we both fell asleep like that. It was the sweetest thing! What a nice way to fall alseep...cuddled up next to my favorite non-human. And I know he was happy cuz he doesn't get to stay in my room very much since he likes to explore more than sleep. But alas, my kitty is a cuddle slut!

Hopefully I'll be going to get Lindsey soon and give her a little time away from her sister. Shellby's been driving Lindsey mad aparently. Of course don't all youngest siblings do that? I know mine does. But she could prolly use some time away from her sister so she doesn't snap and kill her. Plus I always love a chance to hang out with my Lindseykins!

2003-07-11T18:07:00.000-04:00

Six o'clock and all's well...

I'm so happy! I IMed Phil today to say I was sorry for the pain I caused him and to say goodbye, then he messaged me back and told me not to worry because he knows I didn't do anything. I feel so much better knowing that he doesn't hate me. Here's what we said:
NecroBunni (4:45:38 PM): i'm sorry that things happened the way they did. i wish you would believe me when i say i never cheated on you. i hate to think that you're hurt in any way because of me. but i realize now that you never will see the truth of it. i'd never do anything that would hurt you. i love you and i always will, but if you don't trust me then there's nothing i can do except say goodbye. i'll miss you, but i hope you find happiness where ever you go. take care of yourself because you truely do mean the world to me. i love you. goodbye.
Leiam GV (4:49:43 PM): dont worry danni, i dont think you would do anything either, its just that with with the way everythign was presented to me, i had no choice but to take a defencive on this one, but i know ti bothered you to think that i think you cheated on me. but as far as im concerned all is well........no harm done, all that happend is you got really drunk, and vomited (besides i dont think anyone would kiss you in the condition you where in :P )
NecroBunni (4:50:16 PM): so you're not mad at me anymore?
Leiam GV (4:50:31 PM): nay says me
NecroBunni (4:50:46 PM): you have no idea how happy that makes me
Leiam GV (4:51:06 PM): oh perhaps i do
NecroBunni (4:52:28 PM): so are we friends?
Leiam GV (4:52:58 PM): you bet your boobies
NecroBunni (4:53:18 PM): what a....sweet....way to say yes
Leiam GV (4:53:30 PM): fuck you
NecroBunni (4:53:41 PM): ::sigh:: i wish...
Leiam GV (4:53:50 PM): oh my

I'll end the conversation there. I just wanted to share the joy I'm feeling over this with you all. The person responisble for the rift between Phil and me will learn a grand lesson in kharma, but that is not my concern. I just hope that if you are reading this now you realize that I know who you are and I'll be waiting for you to even try to hurt me or Phil again. You can try and break me all you want, but you'd better grow a pair and do it without inloving someone I love. That is unforgivable.

But for now I will rejoice in the fact that Phil and I are friends. That means a lot to me, as he has done so much to make my life good. I'm so thankful for him. Everyday. And I'm still going to say this, whether or not we're together. I love you Phil! You're a great guy...and don't feel bad about not trusting me. I know you've gotten screwed over by your fair share of girls. I understand you better than you may realize. So don't worry. All is well between us. ::big grin:: I just hope you can remember to trust me a little better.

Tom bought me flowers today, including my favorites, lilies. Now I can enjoy their beauty happily. Things seem much better now. I'm glad.

2003-07-10T00:41:00.000-04:00

A broken promise

I asked him not to, but he did it anyway. I tolf him it would only upset Phil more, put him on the defensive, but James broke his promise to me and talked to Phil anyway. Now I'm more sure than ever that Phil never wants to hear from me again, but I'm going to send him one last email anyway, in hopes that he'll read it and know the truth. But if he doesn't, I suppose that's his chioce. My mother said that if he doesn't trust me then I should keep trying anyway. She says that as painful as it is, I need to let go of the relationship, because, after all, how can you be with someone who doen't have faith in you. Wish words from a woman who knows quite a bit about these things. It may not be my place, but I'm posting the conversation James had Phil had here. I think it's important to know what was said so you can get any idea as to what Phil's frame of mind may be now. I don't even know myself, but I'm trying to understand. I wish I did.

MaADaelin: hello
MaADaelin: im James, we met at guntlet 2
Leiam GV: yo
MaADaelin: Diann's friend
Leiam GV: oh ya
Leiam GV: whats up man
MaADaelin: not a whole lot, working mostly
MaADaelin: you?
Leiam GV: nothing
MaADaelin: cool
Leiam GV: have you heard from D?
MaADaelin: Diann?
Leiam GV: ya
MaADaelin: her and I dont talk anymore, she moved to
NJ and asked if i stay out of her life
MaADaelin: she ran away and broke contact with almost
everyone
Leiam GV: strange
MaADaelin: no
MaADaelin: i think its sad really
MaADaelin: running away from your problums
MaADaelin: oh, and im sorry to hear about you and
danni
Leiam GV: wtf?
Leiam GV: your james, her slave?
MaADaelin: was
Leiam GV: was?
Leiam GV: why was?
MaADaelin: she is acting strange, im not sure if she
wants to talk to me right now
Leiam GV: well there this rumor going around she
cheated on me, and i dont know what to think so, that
might be why
MaADaelin: when?
Leiam GV: last GE
Leiam GV: i think
MaADaelin: who told you that?
Leiam GV: people from around where she is
MaADaelin: only ones o herd where from FoF, and i know
thoes are not true
MaADaelin: i also know she didnt do anything with
anyone at GE
MaADaelin: i was with her almost all the time
Leiam GV: well we have at least one word in her favor
MaADaelin: whats that?
MaADaelin: oh
MaADaelin: sorry, its been a long day, im slow
Leiam GV: ok
MaADaelin: dude, i swear on my life and the lives of
everyone i love, she didnt cheat on you, if she did, i
would have known.
MaADaelin: i took care of her at FoF and I was with
her 99.9% of the time at GE
Leiam GV: ok
MaADaelin: you two should talk
Leiam GV: nope, i dont see any reason
MaADaelin: not even for friendship
Leiam GV: the more i talk to her the more she crys
MaADaelin: tell you what, i'll talk to her first
MaADaelin: and i'll make sure she doesnot cry
Leiam GV: i dont want to talk to her
MaADaelin: fair enough
MaADaelin: just seeing if i can right some wrongs
MaADaelin: are you still mad at her?
Leiam GV: not your place to do so man
Leiam GV: lil bit
MaADaelin: so im told, but i got this thing where I
like to see my friends happy
MaADaelin: and i hate rumors
Leiam GV: i hate them also, but when is something like
this you cant help but wonder
Leiam GV: so im taking the defence on this one
MaADaelin: i dont need to, i know nothing happened.
and i understand why you are taking the defence on
this, hell i would.
MaADaelin: may i ask a favor?
Leiam GV: i guess
MaADaelin: may i have the name/s of the ones that told
you, i wont confront them, you have my word on that,
but i want to see if one name pops up.
Leiam GV: id rather not
Leiam GV: just think of people in harenshire besides
danni
MaADaelin: i am, and one person's name springs to mind
Leiam GV: nicky?
MaADaelin: no
MaADaelin: Stephy
Leiam GV: jess?
Leiam GV: nope
MaADaelin: may i tell you a story?
MaADaelin: did you hear about FoF with Danni and I?
about me taking car of her when she got sick
Leiam GV: belive me, i had to hear all about it
MaADaelin: lol, sorry. but after the camp out i get
home for a few days and rumors start reaching my ears,
rumors that say Danni and I slept together, i was in
shock. So I talked to danni about it, and we started
asking around about who herd it from who, and it all
led back to a girl in Herinshire named stephy
MaADaelin: now, i met her too that weekend, but i
spent more time with Danni cuz she was sick. the whole
time Stephy and I talked, she would say something
about if things didnt work out with her and her B/F,
maybe we could get together, i shot her down, and we
think she started spreading the rumors out of spite of
us.
MaADaelin: and i herd the roumors thru everyone in
herinshire
MaADaelin: Danni never cheated on you, its just words
man, thats all it ever was, thats all they should ever
be.
MaADaelin: words
Leiam GV: ok, well see what happens
Leiam GV signed off at 5:46:00 PM.

::deep breath:: I'm scared to death that sending Phil an email won't help or even (if it's possible at this point) make him hate me even more, but like Andy said, I have to give it one last try so that at least I know I did everything in my power to fix this. I'd better start this email now...I don't have much time left on the computer. Wish me luck. I think what I'm going to do is write it out tonight, sleep on it, then send it out in the morning before I leave. That way I won't be thinking about it all night and all day wondering if he even opened it or just plain deleted it, and if he did read it, if it helped any. Why does love have to be so painful. And I'm not just talking about myself here. I'm so sorry that these rumors, aparently started by so-called "friends" of mine, have hurt Phil like this. That's not fair. If these people were trying to hurt me they could have done it without getting Phil caught in the middle. There aren't many people I hate with such a passion, but these people have destroyed the most wonderful thing in my life with their lies. Their actions have pushed me beyond hatred at this point. Remember the Law of Three, fuck Kharma...it's going to come and pay you a visit. This, I swear. So mote it be, bitches.

2003-07-09T02:41:00.000-04:00

A giant roll of duct tape?

I'm searching for the right words to make Phil understand that he truely means the world to me and that I could never cheat on him. I think I know what will make him understand. I'm going to give it a night so I can work it out in my head and get my friend Andy's opinion on if this will help or not. So I'm waiting for him to get back to me with his thoughts and then I'll do what I can to show Phil that I've been honest and faithful. There's really nothing left to say...I can only wait now.

2003-07-08T04:17:00.000-04:00

I'm so weak......

I admit it...I'm weak. I broke down and emailed Phil. I'd thought about doing it before, but I finally got the courage to actually do it. Mostly it was to tell him that I will support his decision no matter what...and that ::coughcough::myheartbelongstohim::coughcough:: Like I said, I'm weak. It's not like I expect my email to change anything. It's just something that I needed to do. Like I've said a million times in my other blog...he means the world to me. That will never change. I told Josh all about it. I'm hoping to hear from him soon. I need him to help me through this. Mac knows me maybe better than I know myself, and he's been there for me before when my heart was in a million pieces. He's like being hugged by a pint of Ben and Jerry's "Honey I'm Home" ice cream. He can make everything better. I hope. Oh why did Uncle Sam have to send away my sanity at a time like this? Ah well...I don't need him to be in NY to be there for me. Just tonight he sent me an "I love you," and that made everything seem a little better. I may say a lot of things about Josh, but he's so wonderful when you truely need him that it seems to make up for anything else. I love you too Josh. But, I digress. I've been distracting myself with video games all night, so perhaps I'll play a bit more before I pass out. I hope to hear from both Josh and Phil soon. Night to all.

2003-07-06T00:15:00.000-04:00

correcting a big mistake

2003-07-05T22:35:00.000-04:00

correcting a big mistake

2003-07-04T01:10:00.000-04:00

Beach Bum

Another busy day. Starting yesterday actually. Last night Andy came over and we were all just hanging around when Andy mentioned threading. He wanted to learn how to do it and needed a lab rat to try it out on, so who should get volunteered but my brother. Andy said he would take care of his unibrow (it wasn't that bad...), so we sat him down in a chair and learned the proccess of threading. For those (many people who don't know, threading is a way to remove hair without the use of tweezers or wax and the like. Instead you use thread. It's hard to explain without a visual effect, but it's really amazing to watch and Andy started doing really well after a few minutes. After he took care of Jason's "unibrow," he decided that the rest of his eyebrow needed some work, so he shaped his eyebrows, which now look fabulous, if not a little girlie...hehehe. Then we got the crazy idea (keep in mind that this was at three in the morning) to put him in drag. So I gathered up all of my makeup and a few tools of the trade, and Andy got to work. He did an amazing job. I never knew my makeup was capable of such great work. After making his face look awesome, Andy ratted up Jason's hair (for volume) and Lindsey worked her magic with the curling iron. Then the evil part. TUCKING. And TAPING. I think you know what I mean. Bet it hurt when that got ripped off! He wore a tank top (although I think if we'd had more to choose from he shouldn't have gone with something like that, given his broad shoulders and hairy armpits), a black skirt, one of my bras...and two pairs of my socks [8D], two pairs of hose (to mask his hairy legs), and a pair of Andy's heels. We took a bunch of pictures (some of which are just wrong) which I will post as soon as I get the film developed and have time to scan them. And then we got another brilliant idea. Let's go to Walmart at five in the morning, see if Tonya Titay is passable, and while we're at it get some pictures of "her" holding up feminine hygene products. And so we did. But the bitch wouldn't take a picture while holding up the Monastat.... ::grumbles:: And I now have proof that I'm not alone in the world. Drag queens are sexy, and I'm not the only girl I know who has that fantasy. Hehehe. We stopped by the apartment to show them, but everyone was either a zombie or a comlete prick, so we made our visit as short as possible.

That pisses me off, the way they're treating Lindsey. The apartment looks like crap since she's been away. And they say she never cleans...yeah, I wonder why these hard working apartment cleaning people have such a mess there? Cuz they all know that she did a lot more cleaning than they did and they're acting like they all have a giant stick shoved up their butts. People can really be pricks. Today they called to let her know that they're kicking her out. That's an increadibly dickheaded thing to do to a person...especially since she contributes to that apartment just as much as those guys do. But, what can ya do? Kharma will kick their asses in time. No need to dwell on it now.

Anyway, after we got back home from our little adventure, Lindsey and I made lunch/dinner for our day at the beach (sandwhiches, pasta salad, and brownies, along with chips that Candice brought, Hi-C to drink, and a think go Skyy Blue.....yum!) Then I jumped in the shower cuz my hair needed mad conditioning (as it does again tonight) and stayed up for a little while before going to my room and passing out. Andy got a nice suprise when he popped the lock on my door to wake me up. I guess he didn't think I was the type of person to sleep in the nude...OOPS! So he sent Lindsey in to deal with me. Hey, at least I sleep on my stomach and cover my ass with a sheet before I pass out. It could have been much worse. So after she got me up I changed into my bikini and sarong, gathered all the things I would need for today, and went downstairs to wait for Candice to get here. She took my brother and Lindsey in her car and I rode with Andy (aren't I special... [:)]...yep!). Once we got to Sylvan Beach we parked our towels, smoked our cigarettes, and headed out into the water. All in all it was pretty fun. We dug holes in the sand, threw mud and seaweed at each other, swam around, did some people watching...all sorts of beach-type fun. Andy's a blast to be in the water with! He would pick me up and walk around with me, throw me in the water, stick me up on his shoulders, let me hang onto him when it got too deep of me to touch the sand anymore. It was great. I've never really gotten to play around like that before. It's fun! It was so funny one of the times he wanted to go back to our spot to check on Candice and smoke a cigarette and he told me to wrap me legs around him and he took me most of the way back to shore like that. His friend, Chris I believe, asked what we were doing and (being Andy) Andy said something suggestive and quite dirty [;)]. Hehehe...Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? I am! Of course Andy's always a blast to hang out with. I think he's absolutely fabulous. But anyway...after we finished swimming Candice walked over to some guys while the rest of us were doin our thing. Lindsey and I decided to go see what she was up to and met these guys she was talking to. We ended up sitting and talking to them at the bar. They were hitting on us like crazy and one of them was all about me. So I sat and talked to him and he gave me tequila shots. Of course the problem here is that I didn't dig him, no matter how much he was digging me, so he was really just wasting his time. At least I got some alcohol out of it. Andy left a few minutes before we decided to take off from the bar.

After we left those guys we thought about going to the car show, but decided the sun had drained us too much to have the energy for that. So Candice took us back home, and so I am here once again. I little red (but hopefully soon, tan), a little tired (need sleep), a little dried out (need conditioner and lotion--STAT!), but all in all feeling good and having enjoyed the day. I must say, thanks to Andy, Candice, and, of course, my Lindsey, this week has been a lot easier to get through than I thought it would be when it started. I want to thank them for helping me keep my mind off of the thing that is hurting me more that I could ever imagine being hurt. You guys are my saviors, whether you know it or not. I owe you my life, literally. So anyway, I think that in a few minutes I'm going to give my hair a special conditioning treatment then crash. Hopefully Andy won't try to wake me up again when he comes over in the morning. Tomorrow is gonna be another very busy day, and hopefully a very fabulous fourth of July. You know I'm gonna tell you all about it anyway, so just wait and see. I shall return with more tomorrow, I promise. Till then, blessed be to you all, have a safe holiday weekend, and loves to my dear friends who are helping me through this horrid time in my life. L8s!

2003-07-02T02:54:00.000-04:00

A Beautiful Day for a Visit to Jamesville Pen

Today I was extremely busy. After Lindsey woke me up to say that Candice was coming, I finally got out of bed and trudged downstairs for a drink before trudging back up to put on clothes. We went down to Jamesville Penetentery again to visit Dan. Unfortunatly I wasn't able to see him this time (damn jail rules...::curses::), but Lindsey told him what was going on with me and his words made my day much better...especially his classic "::nod:: what's up?". After we left guess who called..........Andy! And as we came upon my house we saw his car in the driveway. Big YAY! Hew greeted us as we got out of the car and after having a smoke we decided to go visit the little airport near my house. I'd never actually been there before, so it was really interesting to hear Andy tell us all about these cute little planes. He actually used to fly there when he was younger. He showed us one of the planes he flew in about ten years ago, the Spirit of Marcellus. After we left the airport we started driving again while we tried to think of something to do...and then the hand of god came down and said "::godlike voice:: you should go to Jamesville Beach!!!" and so we came back to my house and me, Lindsey, and Jason changed into our swimsuits and then went to her apartment to get trunks for Andy. While we were there we aquired another beach bum: Rob. And so we piled into Andy's car and eventually made our way to the beach. The first thing Andy did after we parked our stuff in a nice piece of sand was check out the lifeguards. IMHO they weren't that cute, but they weren't bad either, I suppose. We had a fabulous time...even though Rob kept picking me up and throwing me back. I swear he loves to pick on me. But he got karma on his ass, cuz on time he picked me up I was sqirming like crazy and he pulled me towards him and ::WHAM:: my foot had a direct hit...right in his balls. That's what he gets for dunking me every five minutes. After the beach closed we went on a nature hike with Andy pointing out all the different plants and bugs. his favorite (and I have to admit, it was pretty cool) was the skunk weed. Two hot air ballons went up while we were there also, which was really awesome since I've never seen one in person before. After we were done exploring we went back to the apartment for a little while and watched the end of Silence of the Lambs (Chrissy and Steven had been watching it when we came in). Then Jason and Rob started playing on the PS2. While I was there I got my latest letter from Dan. It was so sweet it made me want to cry. I hope Dan doesn't mind, but I'm going to put his letter in my blog (at least most of it). It reads:
Dear Danni,
Do not worry about how long it takes you to write to me. The fact that you wrote to me at all means a great deal to me. It is nice to know someone of your beauty and intellegence would write a shmuck like me.
I am sorry to hear of the personal strife that your boyfriend's news brings to you. It is depressing to know that a young woman as fair as you can be upset at all. I have this weird belief that beautiful women such as yourself should be impervious to the hardships of life. I understand your hate of the military. I despise it myself. Anyways I hope that everything works out for the best and you can avoid anymore heartache.
Life in jail is horrible. I am denied everything I love. It will be one of the happiest days of my life when I am released. It is amazing how much everyone takes for granted what freedom we do have. America is not as free as it claims to be. But I'd much rather have the freedoms I did have as a civilian.
You wrote that your life is pretty boring. Wait till I get out. I will spice things up a little. No not a little, a lot...I promise. And as far as your lack of friends in New York that doesn't matter as long as the friends you do have are good. About your "trust issues" I don't think I can help you...but I will tell you I am very trustworthy person. :) And a loyal friend.
There is no reason for me to forgive you. You can write anything you want to me. I am a very openminded person. Plus I am a good counselor.
Anyways you need to meet me in person and not behind some glass and make judgements about me for yourself. Until I am priveledged enough to witness your beauty again, take care.
love Dan

He is an absolute charmer. As Lindsey says, a black knight in shining armor. He's getting out on the 24th. I can't wait. It will be nice to get to see him again...and finally talk to him with no glass divider between us. He knows how to make his friends feel better, that's for sure. I'm really glad he and I started writing each other. I know the letters he gets mean a lot to him, and I enjoy talking to cool, interesting people. He's so nice that I often think: how could they let such a wonderful person sit in a jail cell for five months. I know people who deserve it so much more then him. ::coughcough::Boo::coughcough:: But he will be out in just over three weeks and there will be a wonderful party and all will be right in the world, for Dan will be here to help set things right. I suppose I sould write my letter to him either tonight or sometime tomorrow. That way I can have Candice swing by the apartment on our way to yet another beach and Stevie can send it out with his next batch...unless I can get the adress from him in which case I can just mail it out myself.

Anyway, we left the apartment and came back to my house. Andy bought us a pizza and Bacardi Silver O3 (so yummy!) and we watched Robin Williams Live on Broadway. It's still as funny as the first time I saw it. "Who loves kitty. Do you love kitty? Are these your shoes? Blech! Who loves kitty?" Andy then Andy and I (while smoking a cigarette) decided to do something that I won't mention right now, as it is a suprise for my mom...and I don't know if she ever reads this, so I won't say what it is. If I still remember after she gets home, I'll say what we did. After all that Andy decided he was getting prett tired and so he headed home. I love spending time with Andy. He's the best. He knows so many different, interesting people. Takes you so many fabulous places. And is just a blast to be around. And so this is where I am now. Sitting at the computer desk, three empty beer cans in front of me, pizza in my belly, and content with how my day went. It was so fun, especially since I haven't gotten to do much cool shit since moving here. But I'm starting to find fun stuff to do and fabulous people to do these things with. And of course I always have my girl Lindsey. Without her being there for me, especially these past couple of days, I think I would have gone mad. You mean so much to me girl. Thank you for so much. I love you girlie! Dan was right, it doesn't matter how many friends you have, "that doesn't matter as long as the friends you do have are good." It's been a good day...and thank the gods for that. Tonight maybe my mother can actually get a full night's rest. The last two nights She's had to calm me down after I'd gotten upset (several times) and burst into tear on the phone with her, afriad that if I wasn't talking to her I'd do something stupid. So ::knock on wood:: hopefully tonight will continue to be happy and calm. After all, a fabulous day like this deserves a fabvulous ending. L8s!

2003-06-30T09:04:00.000-04:00

Pain

The worst thing you could ever hear is the pain in your mother's voice as she begs for you not to hurt yourself. I sat on the kitchen floor talking to my mom at 5 in the morning today. I am drepressed as all hell and I wish I was dead, because I am literally numb right now. Call it shock if you will. To keep my mind off of the compulsion to harm myself, Lindsey has been spending the morning trying to make me look pretty, since with my red, puffy eyes and tear streaked face I don't exactly look my best. I suppose it's an attempt to cheer me up a little, but I don't think it's working very well. I'm considering checking myself into a hospital if I don't start to feel better. Cuz unfortunately right now I can't eat, I burst out in tears every fifteen minutes it seems, I feel sick to my stomach, and my soul feels empty. It's amazing how when you lose something you cherish more than anything, no matter where you are or who's with you, you feel completely alone. I feel the tears welling up again. I don't know what I'm going to do.

2003-06-29T23:50:00.000-04:00

It's not so bad...

When did James become the voice of reason? Hehe...I have to admit I'm feeling better though. He's right. I know I need to talk to Phil, but I'm not ready to just yet. I'm worried that if I don't get what I want to say worked out in my head first when I say it I'll just sound like I'm pissed at him or bitching or something. And that's so far from how I actually feel. I'm just confused and stressed about why he wants to do this. I think the biggest thing is that it hurt me that he didn't say anything earlier. Stevie's ready to break his knee caps. He's gotten very protective of me. But Stevie's a sweet heart, and I wouldn't want him to hunt Phil down anyway (even though I know full well that Stevie would never stand a chance against Phil if he tried). I wish Phil was online now so I could talk to him, cuz the longer I sit here thinking about it, the more knots form in my stomach. I'm thinking about grabbing a drink so I can chill out, but who knows. Normally I don't post my thoughts on Phil here anymore...I try to keep those separate, but this didn't actually mean to turn into such a big thing. I was talking about my convo with James, then out these things came. From my fingers to my keyboard. So I guess I was supposed to talk about it here instead. Maybe I worry too much. I don't know. It's giving me a headache though. I wrote to Dan the other night and talked to him about everything that's going on. Perhaps he'll say something in his letter back that will make me feel better. I did quite a bit of ranting to him. There's just too much tension at that apartment of Lindsey's. I think I don't like going there anymore almost as much as she doesn't like living there anymore. I wish there was something I could do for her. But I have no place for her to stay and right now I don't have enough money to spare to help her out financially. All I can give her is my attention and companionship. But when I see her so stressed out I feel bad for not being able to do more.

Andy is coming home tomorrow. I can't wait to see him. He'll tell us all about his fabulous weekend in New York. And he knows so many cool people. I'm sure he'll say a couple of names that will make me jealous. I hope is boyfriend comes with him. That boy is an absolute sweet heart and such a doll. They're so cute together! I'm getting really excited about Halloween since I've seen some of the stuff Andy plans on doing. He's going to look so amazing, I know it. I want to do something cool too, but I have no imagination, so I don't know if I should even bother. It depends on if I get any ideas. Maybe I'll have my girls brainstorm with me. I have a few months to think though.

Well now that I've talked about Andy I feel better than when I started. Still not great...but definately better. On that note: L8s!

2003-06-26T21:22:00.000-04:00

Lemons

When life hands you lemons...watch out cuz the sonofabitch usually squirts the juice in your eye. I'm going to call Lindsey now and cry until I can't anymore.

2003-06-24T22:45:00.000-04:00

I've Got My Pride

I copied the ad for the show I went to last weekend with Andy and Lindsey. It shows Nikki (Andy's drag mummy) and Skittles (the fabulous Mr Gay Pride Syracuse)!

Isn't it great? Nikki and Skittles are both fabulous performers. And every Sunday Charades has an amature night (no cover!), so I think that one of these weekends I'm going to check it out. Cuz drag queens are absolutely too fun. Maybe I can get Lindsey to come out with me again...cuz it's more fun to go with at least one more person. And this time I'll be prepared, so I'll be sure to have something nice to wear out, since last time I didn't think I'd be going anywhere and therefore didn't have my club clothes with me.

::Gasp:: Everyone's leaving me. Brenden's going away for the summer ::dance of celebration:: and Saterday mom and Tom are leaving for at least a week, week and a half. My brother will prolly stay at Lindsey's, so I get the house all to myself! Thank god...I need a break from my family. I'm not sure about what I'm going to do with myself except chill around the house (and not worry about my mom telling not to bend over cuz my ass is hanging out of my shorts), possibly go out somewhere, and (for once) not get bitched at. I can't wait for everyone to leave. It'll be like my own little vacation. wOOt!

I have nothing more to write (all the exciting stuff happened this weekend)...till I do something interesting...L8s!

2003-06-24T01:13:00.000-04:00

What a Drag!

What a fabulous weekend I had (last night not withstanding). Did the usual thing on Friday night. We tried to get a hold of Bob, but alas, he wasn't around, so our hopes of drinking that night were dashed. So, as usual, we sat around watching DVDs. Steven brought over Jay and Silent Bob, along with the Bourne Identity. I brought AI, along with my usual mix. As usual I crashed on the couch. The next day my brother came over (but royal pissed off Lindsey by saying he wasn't coming). Stevie and I hurt him for upsetting Lindsey, but all was well after that. We were bored and Bob's phone ran out of minutes, but lucky for us, we decided to page our wonderful Andy! What should he tell us but to drag our butts down to Charades...we're going to a drag show!

We primped and applied this and that and Lindsey even did my hair. I ran arounf the apartment in purple leopard print underware waiting for my brother to get my pants from home. But it was all worth every minute of hassle. We got sent in the wrong direction after we got off of the bus, but Andy came after us and walked with us to the right place. The moment we stepped foot onto the parking lot, I had the pleasure of m,eeting JJ. Let me say right now that JJ is absolutely fabulous. Really and truely. Not a bad looking girl, a doll of a guy, and an amazing dancer! I was more fascinated sometimes by watching JJ dance then by some of the Queens onstage. Cherry Fine was wonderful. Skittles (Mr Gay New York) is a total blast. He was so cool performing, as well as in person...and his fiance was amazing doing back handsprings while drunk. JJ came over to me near the end of the night. He asked if I recognized him...not really, so he reminded me that we had met outside when he had on his wig and bikini top. We had an absolute blast. I saw at least twenty drag queens (and a couple of kings), had a blast dancing around and listening to Andy's comments on everyone, I even got to watch one of the queens make tits...it was fabulous. She did an amazing job...not only with her appearance, but I also loved her performance. She did Lil Kim! Andy's makeup was great...and his boyfriend looked adorable! There was some fabulous music being performed and played after the show ("Let's get soaking wet!") Right now I'm looking for the first song I saw Skittle perform. I want it all for myself! That's basically how we spend gay pride day. Watching drag queens and dancing with them and a bunch of cool gay guys. I'm glad none of the scary lesbians came over to me...they make me nervous...like they can snap me in two or something. Anyway...at the end of the night we were soaked, happy, and deaf. We dropped JJ off at his place (but not before he informed Andy that he was a welfare cupon, Andy informed him that he was a food stamp, and JJ declared that at least he was the whole thing, not just the benefit card!) Thus we said goodbye to JJ, altough I hope we get to see him all dolled up again soon. Then Andy and his boy dropped Lindsey and I off at her place. Kisses all around, then we went inside to give our poor feet a break. I haven't had that much fun with a bunch of people in forever. It was absolutely fabulous.

Last night was Steven's birthday, so we had cake and beer. If it hadn't been for the rampent drama, it would have been a good night. We watched Girls Gone Wild and watched the stupid drunk chicks fall over when they flashed the camara. I should have stayed with the drag queens. They're way more fun than a bunch of emotional people in an itty bitty apartment. I'm going to find out when the next good drag show is and get my ass over there. I think it'll be fun for me to get out more...and maybe I'll pick up some good makeup tips and look as fabulous as then. But now I must go...things to do...blah, blah, blah. L8s!

2003-06-20T22:13:00.000-04:00

Solstice is Here!

Waiting for Al to come get me. He's going to bring me over to Lindsey's tonight after work. I was goign to take one of the bikes and ride over, but Lindsey decided to call Al instead, which was good since it ended up raining anyway. I want Bob to come over so we can drink. That's one thing I'll say for Bob, every time he comes over he seems to bring us beer. Yay for free alcohol! Tomorrow is Solsitce, so I'm goignt to see if there's anything I can do for that. Hopefully Lindsey won't be asleep all day, cuz then we could actually do something. Of course maybe we'll do something in the evening if we get a late start. Not much to say...

I did get in my workout today...of course Brenden's friends can down while I was running and stared at me. It weirds me out when they do that. I just want to get some exercise or I'll be walking somewhere and they'll call me over and ask me stuff. But, I got in about 45 minutes before they came down, which is good. My doctor will be happy I'm sure. I'm really pleased with myself. I'm actually starting to take care of myself like I should be. I talked to Jamie today and he seemed happy to know that I'm trying to be good to myself. It really gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside when I know that people are truely concerned (and not mommying me) about me and my health. When people stop trying to hover over me and tell me what to do about my body I'm more likely to actually take care of myself. *Note: Phil, this does not include you, baby. I know you just nag me because you love me and don't want anything to happen to me. I love you too!*

Arg...well, it's getting late, so I'd better finish getting my stuff together. Not sure when I'll be back. L8s!

2003-06-20T00:33:00.000-04:00

New Honda commercial in the UK.

Very important that you understand: There is no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film. Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it. The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something, usually very minor, didn't work. They would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions. The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete including a full engineering the sequence. In addition, it's two minutes long so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime. However, it is fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history. Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for itself simply in "free" viewings (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!). When the ad was shown to Honda executives, they liked it and commented on how amazing computer graphics have gotten. They fell off their chairs when they found out it was for real.

When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation -- including the costs. There are six and only six hand-made Accords in the world. To the horror of Honda engineers, the filmmakers disassembled two of them to make the film. Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) are parts from those two cars. The voice-over is Garrison Keillor.

Oh. And about those funky windshield wipers. On the new Accords, the windshield wipers have water sensors and are designed to start doing their thing automatically as soon as they become wet. It looks a bit weird in the commercial.

Check out the commercial here!

Feel free to post a comment telling me just how awesome this comercial was...as if I didn't already know. ::wink::

2003-06-19T22:00:00.000-04:00

Yay! I got a letter from Dan today. I knew it was coming soon cuz he sent it out the day I went out to see him. I was so happy to get it. I'm going to write him again tonight and see if I can't make a stop over at Lindsey's in the morning to send it out with their letters. Dan has even asked me to be at his release party. I think that's incredibly sweet of him. I can't wait for him to get out. It's not fair that a guy like Dan gets stuck in the same place as some of these people that I'm sure are far worse than he could ever dream of being. But it's only for another month or so. Soon he'll be back home with the people who adore him.

Well, I went to the doctor today. He put me on a few new things. One was a new trigliceride (sp?) med and the other was an ACE inhibitor or something like that to protect my kidneys. He took blood for a few tests...I'm very nervous about that. The number they report back is never the number I want to hear. All my other meds stayed the same (so far) and he gave me a refill on my nausia meds. He wants me to start keeping a record of my glucose readings...of course I think they fact that I'm checking them at least four times a day is pretty good to start with considering. But I'll attempt to write them down starting tomorrow. I'll ask my mom to check every now and then to make sure I'm actually doing it. I've been too exhausted the past two days to use the treadmill, but tomorrow I'm going to get on it no matter how blah I feel. I don't want to start slipping now when I'm doing so great with all of this. I'm trying so hard to take care of myself. Phil will be so proud!

We called Ken today. We have to fax a form to Ridgeview back in Georgia and they'll fill it out and fax it back to Ken. Once he gets that and has a chance to review it he'll start getting things set into motion for me. That's very good cuz I've been getting antsy about the whole thing. I don't know exactly what's going to happen, but I hope I get to see him soon. Then I'll know more. So confusing......

I've been doing lots of work on my latest business venture. Mostly research and notes so far, but soon I want to start to really get the ball rolling. There's a man (my mentor, if you will) that I need to talk to and as for his help before I can really make this work a reality, but I'm sure he'll do what he can to aid me (after all, he's been there for me in other matters, why not this one). I'm not going to go into details about this project with anyone (except, obviously, my partner in this project) until I feel that it's been worked out enough to warrent disscussion. I don't want people to ask me questions that I'm not prepared and knowledgable enough about the plan to answer. Besides, if it doesn't work out then I can just sweep it under the rug without feeling like a big failure. Sometimes I wonder if I just come up with these ideas so I have something to occupy myself with all day. Either that or it all goes back to the saying "there's a thin line between genious and insanity." As long as I have something to do, I suppose.

Blah....I can't really think of anything more amusing to talk about...plus I have other stuff I want to do now. Till the mood strikes again......L8s!

2003-06-18T23:05:00.000-04:00

::le sigh:: I was at the apartment all week, so of course nobody bothered to try and get a hold of Ken. ::grrrr:: Oh, well. Now that I'm back he will be contacted in the morning. Speaking of morning, I've got a docter's appointment (always fun), but I'm sure he'll be happy to know that I'm taking better care of myself (even doing at least the minimum of four glucose checks a day) and taking all of my meds everyday (including my "head meds"). Of course my mom wants me to go back to Joslin as well, but I don't see the point. If my GP can monitor this then why do I need a specialist. Of course there are a few doctors I want to see soon. An optomotrist and a psychologist are on my to do list. I need to find out if my perscriptions changed on my glasses and plus it's been over a year since I've seen the optomotrist anyway, so I need to be checked for complications in my eyes. I don't think there are any problems, but if they're at an early state then I suppose I wouldn't know and we'd catch it in time to fix it. Of course what do I know about eyes? I'm thinking about getting contacts as well, just because sometimes it's annoying to wear glasses, which is why I don't bother with mine unless I'm watching tv at the apartment or driving. I want to make an appointment with the psychiatrist 1) to ensure that I qualify of the vesid (sp?) program and 2) to see if I should be on any other meds. I'd really like to find a doctor who is willing to listen to my suggestions, cuz I want to request lithium. I'e used it before and that was the only time in my life that I didn't freak out with anxiety and panic attacks or feel depressed or anything but happy. I'm considering taking a brief stay in a hospital just so they can do this and monitor it...plus if I go into one now I can avoid being forced to go to one because tings won't boil out of control. Of course it's something I'd have to consider and discuss with the people I love. I just want to make sure I don't get to the point where I'm freaking out like I did last month. I think I'll bring it up to my mom in the morning. It looks like I have some research to do.

Yesterday I went to the prison to visit Dan. Unfortunately it wasn't a contact visit, but it was nice to see him regardless. I'm supposed to be getting a letter from him today that he mailed out the morning that I went to visit him. He was so funny...every now and then he would just wave at me and say "Wassup" or (with great big gestures through the glass that separated us) "you're hot." Of course the fact that he hasn't seen a woman other than his sister in months prolly didnt help. But Dan's a charmer no matter what setting he's in. It'll be nice to see him when he gets out. He's an absolute doll. Of course most man-whores are. ::smile:: He was great for my ego though. It's always nice to hear someone say you're hot.

But alas, my time has run out...I shall return tomorrow. I suppose that since I have to go I'll write my next letter to Dan. Till tomorrow...L8s!

2003-06-16T22:11:00.000-04:00

Ick! The things you'll do for love...because I love and adore my mother and she hates my dirty little habit of smoking, I've converted to (ewwww) Marb lights instead of my usual reads. This isn't to say that I'm going to quit anytime soon...it just means when I smoke like a chimeny I won't be quite as tar filled (I think that's how it works...if not just tell me and I'll go back to smoking real cigarettes. But like I said, it makes my mom happy, so I supposeI can deal.

I can't believe it! I actually sat around my room and cleaned some more today. I started out jusr cleaning my bag, but then I started gathering up all the trash and clothes off of the floor. And I did some laundry, so my, what a pretty little floor I've had under that sea of trash. I'm sure that eventually I'll do some morecleaning as well...but prolly not before the place starts to get grungy again. And I recovered a bunch of recyclables and you know what that means...extra cash from the deposit refunds! I prolly have enough to get a pack of smokes. Cool, eh?

Speaking of "eh," James is so on my tail about going to BotD. He even had me give him Nicky's number so he can try and have her give me a ride up to Canadia. It's sweet that he's trying to get me there, but I don't know if it's going to happen or even how much I want to go...especially if Lindsey isn't there. If anyone should be going to BotD, it's her. I know my mother is worried about me going, especially since I was just sick this weekend and she's going to be in Idaho when BotD is going on. So maybe I should just stay home. I don't know. I need to think I suppose. There's a lot of things that I should be concentrating on instead, but since I'm not really going to Haranshire field anymore, my only real chance to fight and rp is durning events. Besides, I miss Canada and the cool people I know from Wolven Fang.I haven't been there in about six months...it would be nice to chill up there again. But maybe I won't get to do that again until after I have my own vehicle and a job where I have the money to support my taking trips like that. So far I still haven't gotten a hold of rotten old Ken...tomorrow mayhaps.

I'm so bored too...I want to get out of this house. I had a fabulous conversation with Andy earlier about some of the drag queens he knows in NYC. He actually knows Mistress Formica! How utterly fabulous is that? Very, I tell you. I'm sad that I didn't get to see him today. He's such a blast...and, even though I (with my low self esteem) though he didn't like me very much, apparently likes me (even if I'm not so pretty and girlie girl). I'm just scared that one of these days he'll come over and decide to do something with my hair or my makeup or something. Then I'd look devine, but only for that day because goddess knows I'd never be able to do it to myself! But right now I just wish I could get out of the house cuz I'm practically banging my head against the walls, I'm so bored. There's no one interesting to talk to right now and it's Monday, so there's nothing fun to do. I want to go out clubbing. I haven't been to Trekks since the night of the Doc incendent. Of course goigng out to Trekks would require shopping for a fabulous new outfit to go in. Give me a month and then try again. Now that I've recovered from my stomach bug, I'm back on my routine. I spent 40 minutes on Milly today, trying to get my ass in shape. I swear to god, none of my pants fit my fat ass anymore. Or maybe it's cuz I just wear pajamma pants now. But in any case, in a month I should be skinnier than when I moved to NY (cuz I packed on a few pounds thanks to the winter to end all winters). Then I can buy new outfits. Until then it's running shoes, sweat pants and tee shirts for me.

I think I'm going to call Lindsey soon (she finally got a new phone /thanks to her father/)...see if she has a cure for my boredom. Till I type again.....L8s!

2003-06-16T00:39:00.000-04:00

Well, I wrote an email to my baby tonight...I hope he writes back soon. I'm glad I got a chance to talk with him a little last night. I needed some time to chat with my Phil. Especially after that horrible night/morning of being sick as a dog. I still haven't left the couch for my room since I got home. I should prolly go back to my room tonight, but I prolly will be too tired to go there. And tomorrow I have to go to the bank (must make withdraw), buy smokes, and hunt down Ken and see if I can get a job or if I'm not crazy enough. Hehe...I'll show ya crazy, Ken! Nah...I'm kidding...I think. Anyway, as I've been sleeping and watching movies as a way of recovering, I haven't got much to say, so I'll leave you till I find something interesting to talk about...L8s!

2003-06-15T00:41:00.000-04:00

A big thank you goes out to Lindsey and Bob for taking care of me last night. And I'd also like to thank Bob for the conversation we had and for bumming me smokes and almost beating the shit out of Chris after he grabbed my ass. I hope I can make it over for your birthday celebration on Monday. It was fun hanging out with everyone (except Chris) last night. And a big thank you to my mother for picking me up this morning and watching over me until I felt better. And to Tom for getting things that I needed (drinks, chicken broth, cold washcloths). It means a lot to me that everyone helpped me get better, especially since Bob didn't know me very well...but he was a certified nurses aide, which helpped. So yay for my friends and family for not letting me spend all day hugging the toilet.

I just got a chance to talk to Phil. That makes me happy. Especially after the day I had, it's good to talk to the man I love. So yay for me cuz the day has now officially ended on a happy note cuz I got to talk to my baby!I want to call him again soon too. We haven't talked on the phone in a while, so I'm totally missing the sound of his voice. Of course I'm missing everything about him, but that's neither here nor there I suppose. Hun...if you every want me to call you, just let me know when and I promise I will. I love you more than anything sweetie. Muah! I miss you tons baby. Talk to you later though. I wanna give you a giant hug and kiss...yup, yup!

I also talked to James today. Poor guy seems to be having a rough time lately. His self esteem seems pretty shitty which is too bad because he's a wonderful guy in my opinion. Anyone who would take the time out of a fun weekend to take care of a sick girl is a saint in my book. And now he and his girlfriend have broken up. That would ruin anyone's day. But hopefully he'll start to feel better about it soon. I'll do what I can to take his mind off of it or give him advise or whatever it is that he needs. Friends need to take care of each other like that. He did the same thing for me when I was worried sick about Phil cuz I hadn't heard from him in at least a week. I want to do what I can to help him now. You're a great person James...if you need to get anything off your mind you know you can always turn to me. Take care of yourself. Friends like you are hard to find.

Blah...I think I'd better go off to bed. After my day I need all the rest I can get. I'll be back and better that ever tomorrow. Lotsa luvs to everyone I mentioned today (and some people I didn't...like Sandy:let me know how things are going girlie...I miss you!) Nighty night for now though...till we meet again. L8s!

2003-06-11T22:35:00.000-04:00

Reason #581 why I love my mom (most of the time): she is saving my butt yet again. She helpped me deal with a little, ::ahem:: shall we say, "issue" with the bank. Then she took me out to get cigarettes, picked up my insulin, and called Ken for me. Unfortunately Ken isn't going to be in the office till Monday, but she'll call him again then. I hope I get in to talk with Ken soon...otherwise I'm going to be one broke Danni soon. Yup...he's supposed to be my key to a good job. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for a break. Friday I think my permit is coming in the mail...they said it would take about two weeks, so there you are. Then I won't have to carry around that dinky little paper thing and now when I get carded places they won't bitch about me having an out of state ID...which is rediculous. I mean, I know I've been here for a year (a year exactly as a matter of fact), but what about people that are just visiting the area? You won't sell things to them because they don't live here or something? Blah...I think it also has to do with the fact that I look like a high schooler, so they think I'm a minor with a fake ID or something. I don't look that young do I? Grrrrrrr...... But I shouldn't have to rant about that...especially since it won't effect me in a couple of days.

Back to Wonder Mommy......she also took my mood stabilizers from me. She knows I haven't been remembering to take them and we both know I need to, so she's keeping track of them for me. Every day she makes sure I get a pill. I'm hoping that after she's been getting me used to taking them everyday for a while it will get to the point where I can hang on to them and she just asks me if I took one or not and finally to the point where I don't need a reminder. She's also become a bit of a motivation/personal trainer. She's getting me into mega workout mode. I spent half and hour on the treadmill today...I would have done more, but my legs are still aching from our excursion to the old cement factory. Tom even gave me something to help soothe the pain. I hurt so much that even holding Sam (itty-bitty little Sam) is too much extra strain on my legs. Not that Sam ever wants to be held for ever long anyway...he's rather explore. I called for him last night and where did his little butt come running from but across the street! I almost had a heart attack. Mom assured me that he knows what he's doing, but I'm still worried because he's a fairly small black cat. In the dark one a street like ours with no lights and cars whizzing by all the time he might not be seen. I don't know what I would do if something happened to him. I mean, I already knew that I adored him, but thinking about something happening to him made me remember what a crushing feeling it can be to lose a pet. And even worse, it made me remember Kitty Buddy, our first cat. When we first moved from Texas to Georgia it was summer, and I'm terrible at making new friends, so I stayed in the house and played with Kitty Buddy. But unfortunately he became will fairly suddenly with feline lukemia and while my mom was calling the vet to see if there was anything to help treat it, he started giving out these heaving breaths and I just sat there holding him and calling for my mom until he just stopped breathing. I think the death of that cat blew me away even more than when Kieth died. I know I spent a lot of time crying when dad died, but some of that was for show and some of that was because I couldn't control my emotions...especially when everyone else was so emotional. But really I think that when I was him laying in that coffin in the funeral home I wanted to slap him twice as much as I wanted to hold his hand that one last time. It's so strange to think about it. It's painful to hate somebody so much when you love them. I know he wasn't blood...but he was my daddy...as horrible as he was. I don't know if I'll cry more tears or not when Steve dies. I know he wants to (somewhere inside of him) to be "dad," but I've given him so may chances...I don't know if I want to risk hurting myself again. Maybe it will just take time. I want to see him making the efforts though. It can't just be me.

Oh, wOw...that was a lot of stuff that just snowballed out of my mind and onto this keyboard. But I don't want to delete it because if I do then I'll lose some important part of myself too. And I think that it's important for my friends and family and Phil (always Phil) to see this side of me. Yes, I am still a very hurt and angry child under the rest of this. Not as angry anymore, I think. It's the hurt that breaks me. Fear of so much sometimes that I can't even sleep...just lay in bed, thinking. I need to let go of those things, and getting them out like this will help that I think. I want everyone to know that they can feel free to ask me about this (and I can already think of several people who will) and talk with me. If I don't talk about it I'll never overcome it.

I promise to give you a less contemplative entry l8r! But for now I'm going to give this one to the web gods. Till the mood to write strikes me again...L8s!

2003-06-10T12:06:00.000-04:00

Well, first of all I have to say that I had an absolutely fabulous time last night. Andy, Lindsey, my brother and I went down to the old cement factory. I know that doesn't sound cool...until you hear the story behind the factory. Way back in the day (I forget the date...will post it later) the cement factory was good and prosperous and made cement just as any cement factory should. Then one day (reason # 914 why I will never work in a factory, especially the kind that makes cement) tanks three through six (that's three, count em...three, tanks) malfunctioned or exploded or whatever tanks do when the pressure gets entirely too high, flooding the factory with wet cement in less than five minutes. As if a flooded factory didn't suck enough, chew on this: it was during working hours, so almost 500 people were ingulfed by this cement, trapped and dead. I believe there was only one survivor who was in the stairwell just outside of the silos. But all this people had to be exhumed from within this mass of cement. So, being us, we decided to go exploring. And as horror movies always go, the young couple who keeps making out every time we stop (Jason and Lindsey) are first to die. The our wise tour guide vanishes. I was only able to make it out alive because I'm a sweet and pure virgin. ::coughcough::lies!::coughcough:: Okay so maybe none of that was true, but it does seem fitting...of course we know that the virgins really are the only ones who ever survive...so I guess we would have all been fucked (no pun intended) if that sorta shit actually happened. But anyway, Andy showed us the outside first, pointing out the defunct tanks, then led us up some stairs and showed us the pressure guage that didn't look so great after the build up inside. This is the spot where the surivior was found. That's gotta be the luvkiest person there ever was. Then we entered the actual factory. The floor was uneven and covered by the fine powder of the deteriorating cement. It covered the floors, walls, light fixtures, everything execpt for the stairs which were cleared so workers could get to the bodies on various floors. There was graffitti all over the place: ancient symbols calling the spirits, faces, :you're all going to die now", "Willy sucks dick" (at which point Andy wanted to go looking for Willy instead), "not welcome", lots of cocks on the wall (and I'm not talking about roosters)...and one giant pussy, a lot of "I was here", and a whole mess of other things...including a picture of a decafe cup of coffee (don't ask cuz I don't know). We found a huge box of sparklers, but they were too covered in powdered cement to work. We went up and down all these different floors, going through big open rooms, mazes of little rooms, work stations, silos, everything. One of the floors was still filled very much with cement. That room was scary, even though logically you should be freaked cuz the know how many people were at that factory, so they wouldn't have left that much of the cement unexamined if they were still missing bodies, right? Of course it figures that that's the room we'd be in when we hear the freaky moan! I know that walking around that place made me and Lindsey a little leary (never fear though, before we got there I sent a pray to the Goddess asking for her protection over us that night), Jason (as usual) seemed oblivious to everything but going "hey...this is neat," I'm not really certain how Andy views the place, but he's been there more than the rest of us combined. I thought it was pretty interesting though, especially when Andy would tell us something new or point things out. Let's praise our lovely tour guide Andy!

After we exited the factory, we ran around trying to get into the old trains. We saw a lot of cool trains (and more spary paint) and Andy opened up the side of one and showed us the engine (a V12, he says...and the biggest spark plugs I've ever seen). Sadly, we weren't having much luck in our search for an open train to examine...until we can across a kitchen car. It was awesome. There was a huge cooking area and cabinets and a great big sink. and then we went to the part that used to be the dining cart. Also very cool. And thus we exited the kitchen car...but not before breaking the "break in case of emergency" glass. The we wandered into another building...I forget what this one was exactly, but it had cases of dynomite in it! We tried to open it with our little crowbar, but we didn't have the luck or the patience to do it. We finally made our way back to the car...and eventually made our way inside the car as well.

So we headed home, but first we stopped and picked up this guy stranded on the road. We took his drunk and high ass to a gas station to fill up his little gas can and took him back to his car. I think we confused him. But , damn was it worth it. Andy always breaks for hitch hikers...he says they give the best head cuz they're so happy to get a ride. Reason #1296 why you shouldn't hitch a ride...forget all the weirdos out there, think about Andy! Just kidding...he's a doll. He told us a hilarious story about his mother on the way home. Her advice:"When a friend says "I love you," say thank you...don't punch!" And then he told us about her adventure riding a camel or something like that (I don't really remember, it was late and I was beat).

So here I am this morning...still tired (and very sore from all those evil stairs), blogging away. I don't think I'm really even awake yet. Oh well. It'll happen eventually. All that matters is that I got out of the house last night and had fun. Especially since today is going to be a lot of work and prolly a lot of stress. So I guess I'll do what I gotta do...whatever. Hope things turn out well. ::crosses fingers:: Wish me luck! L8s!

2003-06-09T18:31:00.000-04:00

Two little quizzes to pass the time. Right now I'm having a fine time worrying, so as I work on ways to stop panicing about things. I won't get into any detail about it, just suffice to say that there are a few things I need to take care of and then I think I'll be in a better frame of mind. But for now I will leave you with these quizzes...and once again, Phil, I know you're going to read this and ask me what's going on. I promise you can ask me and I'll tell you what's up, I promise. But, like I said, quiz time!

My Monster Name is Winter wolf Winter wolves are larger than their mundane cousins and always have thick white fur. The claws and fangs of a winter wolf are dangerous weapons but the evil creature’s most formidable attack is the ability to breathe out a cone of magical freezing cold. The Levenshtein distance between dannielle marie cole and Winter wolf is 13.

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Which Lord of the Rings Soundtrack theme are you?
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Can you tell that I'm an rp geek? A quiz about monsters and a LOTR quiz...sometimes I even scare myself.

Once again I am contemplating taking a course at BOSES...maybe even OCC (since I finally got my diploma). I just have this sinking feeling now and then that I'll never be able to take care of myself, so I think getting more of an education will ease that feeling and maybe help me get a job that pays more than minimum wage or something. Yes, I think it's time for me to get back out into the work force...how scary is that? So I prayed to the goddess about it and have started looking at my options. I'm going to try and get my mom to help me... I hope it goes well. We shall see though. And soon I should be getting my actual permit in the mail soon (YAY!). And I'm getting a vehicle soonishly as well. So I'm thinking things will be less stressful to me when I have those aspects of my life straightened out and I have more time to relax. People want me to go to BotD, but I'm not sure if I want to or not, and not just because I have no real way of getting there besides taking a bus. I may just chill at home...after all, the house will be empty that week anyway, so I may as well enjoy it. We'll see I suppose. I know James and Lindsey at least want me to go. Jamie and St G and Lunchbox prolly want me there too. St G actually IMed me the other day. We haven't talked in a little while, so it was good to hear from him. It's sad that I've known him since Gauntlet but we've only gotten to see each other twice. But such is the way when you become friends with people at events. you tend to live far from each other and thus rely on the net to keep in touch. Of course, some of my better friends live far from me. So that's one reason I'd like to go to BotD, the main reason, but it's too soon for me to know if I'm going or not. It seems doubtful though. ::le sigh::

Anyway, I have things to take care of right now, so I'll check back l8er...till then................ummmmm, yeah...

2003-06-08T00:40:00.000-04:00

I haven't had much of a chance to blog lately, but I promise something tomorrow (or should I say later today?)...I've been offered a chance to move out of my house and I must say, I'm considering taking it. I would be living with a couple of people I absolutely adore (and Dan who I have yet to meet, but judging by his letters I think I would adore as well) and none of these people would be part of my evil "let's see how much we can make Danni suffer" family. My only thing is that I'm not certain that I want to stay in this area if I'm going to live somewhere other than home. It's something I'm going to have to consider carefully, but that's okay, I still have time to think about it.

I saw Jess last night. I was wondering how I'd feel when I saw her away from the group and could confront her if I chose, but I realized that I didn't want to say anything mean or spiteful to her. I realized she wasn't the one I held resentment towards. And I think I know why. She isn't the one who claimed to be such a good friend and then lied to me. So I've decided that I'll confront the person who really made me angry. And I'll even do it tactfully and maturely. I'm glad I realized this. I hope that confronting the issues will repair our friendship, because I've lost my ability to trust this once dear friend of mine. I want to be able to have faith in this person again. We shall see.

I miss Phil more than anything right now. I got an email from him tonight and sent one back to him, so hopefully we'll get a chance to really talk again soon. As I told him in my reply, I miss the sound of his voice so much. I've been thinking about him even more than usual lately. It's not nearly as good as having him with me, but at least it makes me smile and think of just how wonderful he is. ::sigh:: I wonder when I'll get to see him again. I hope it's soon. Maybe then everything that's going on here wouldn't get to me so much...I notice that a lot. After I've spent time with Phil nothing can really grate my nerves like they usually do cuz I'm stil floating on the happy feeling I get from being with him. See? Everyone benefits from Phil and I being together! Okay...maybe I'm just coming up with dorky little reasons as to why I should see him...but what's wrong with that?

I can't believe what a nerd I am...I'm actually downloading an episode of QAF...on a dial up modem! It's alright...soon I'll have a cable modem and all wll be right with the world. So sayeth I. Then I can download thinks without them taking all day. wOOt! But for now I have to suffer and deal with it taking forever to get things off of the computer. ::Grrrrrr:: But enough complaining, back to the long wait. L8z!

2003-06-04T18:36:00.000-04:00

I'm going to start working on a new layout for te blog...it's going to kick ass. I may adapt it to parts of my website too...depending on how much I like it. And because I am crazy and weird and have nothing better to do with my time, it's going to be a QAF homage...at least until I find something I like even better. Of course I'm going to focus on Brian...I plan on proving that he is not just the arrogant asshole that he appears to be. Anyone who watches QAF can tell you that. But for now I must go and work on it...I'll get it put up ASAP. L8s!

2003-06-04T00:23:00.000-04:00

May I present...This-or-That Tuesday:
1. Cats or dogs? purrrr....definately cats
2. Butterflies or birds?butterflies...after all, they can be a great symbol of good fortune to those that they encircle
3. Horses or cows?horses. they're more diverse in their appearance and seem to like getting attention more than cows who generally like too just chill in the pastures, chewin their cud.
4. Turtles or snakes? snakes. they're hypnotic, fascinating in the way they flow with all of their movements. I once has a pet snake...he was a small little critter, but he was still very interesting to watch as he glided from one hand to the other. I think they're even cooler to watch if they're on the ground or, even better, in the water.
5. Frogs or grasshoppers? frogs. there are so many different kinds...not just your average little green froggies. some of the most amazing frogs inhabit the amazons and other places of the world. they're all so different in size, shape, colorings...and anyone who did their homework back in biology knows that there's that certain tropical frog who's skin contains an incredibly powerful hollusinogene (I know that's spelled wrong...oh well.)
6. Lions or tigers? tigers. they seem sleeker, more of the clever hunter than the loin is. in the jungles they have more of an ability to stalk their prey than the loin who usually must chase his dinner across open plains and the like. Plus, tigers don't have that goofy froo-froo mane around their face. It just makes them look silly in my opinion
7. Elephants or mice? as I haven't had the fortune of seeing many elephants in my time (although I think I really should take a trip to a zoo one of these days...it's been years since I was at one. I think it would do me good to rediscover the wonders of seeing such beautiful creatures...even if they are locked away in an artificial environment), I would have to choose mice. they are interesting to watch, particuairly if you have a little group of them interacting with each other. they're pretty cute, but so tiny too. they almost seem to carry with them an air of indistructability even though they're so small and delicate. but maybe that's just me.....
8. Porcupines or ardvarks? I can't say I've had any personal experiences with a porcupine, but after living in Texas, I can tell you that just about anything is better than an ardvark...period.
9. Unicorns or dragons? this one is difficult. I suppose I would have to choose the dragon. It more fits my personality. dragons are wise and elegent and noble, but also strong, powerful, and not a force to be crossed. Besides...they can fly and shoot fire out of their nose of whatever they want.
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You live in a rather dumpy apartment. A friend offers you a chance to be a roommate at a new place s/he is moving into, but they don't allow pets. You have a pet. Do you find your pet a new home and take the new place, or do you keep your pet and stay put? I couldn't live somewhere that would require me to give up my Samiam. I'd rather live somewhere that wasn't great than know that I had given up someone who I've loved and raised from a tiny little baby. Sam may be a cat, but he's a smart, loving,amazing creature and I couldn't leave him wondering why he'd been abandoned, because I know that when I've been away for too long he misses me like crazy because he'll run up to me, jump into my lap, and stay there until my lap has gone numb and I have to move him. The love and trust of another living creature (be it human or otherwise) is far more important that your personal comfort.

Now on to the real entry. I know I'm going to sound crazy for going on about this, but until I have gone through all three seasons of QAF, I'm going to keep talking about it. For anyone who hasn't seen it, (1) you're crazy...go out there and watch it now and (2)don't read the following if you want to wait until you can watch it yourself, as this will contain spoilers and whatnot. Sooooo...that being said:
spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers Otay...that should be good enough. My first thing is that Brian, while devine in all other way, is a total mornon for the following reasons:
(1) He's revolving door policy towards the men he sleeps with. I'm suprised that his cock hasn't fallen off from over-use. Maybe that's what will happen from season three...yeah right. I'd cry if they did anything to my poor Brian. But anyway...
(2) He's shouldn't have even thought of taking Justin home. Not only was he jailbait when they first hooked up, but he was more cliggy than serran wrap. If I was Brian, I know I wouldn't want some little 17 year old I'd picked up the night before running around claiming that he was in love with me...following me all over the place (more of those annoying habits when I start going on about Justin).
(3) He shouldn't have gotten in the middle of Mike and Dr. Dave's relationship time after time. If Mike truely is his best friend then why does Brian keep sabatoging something that could make his friend so happy? Because he feels the same way about Mike as Mike does for him, duh!
But none of these things matter because I think Brian is adorable...especially when he's holding his son....that just makes me go weak in the knees. (Gale really makes me believe that this is his son and that he's absolutely head over heels for him...of course who couldn't fall in love with that baby. What an absolute doll he is.) And for all of his short comings and his lack of maturity, at least he cares about his son and makes the effort to spend time with him and provide for him. And I've yet to hear a complaint from our group when he drops his pants...right kiddies? And at the point I'm at in the series, I think he's starting to learn that his closed hearted ways are not conductive to happiness. I mean it's not like he even needs to commit to one person...just maybe tone down the vast amount for traffic flow going through his bedroom. But I have no clue as to if he actually will or not...but then again, it's Brian, so prolly not!

Alas, I fear I have gone on about Brian and QAF long enough for one night. I'm sure I'll continue going through my thoughts on everything tomorrow. Until then......ummmmm...yeah, right. L8s!

2003-06-03T20:01:00.000-04:00

It's only fitting...last night I absolutely fell for Brian Kinney, I started to adopt his views on life (no matter how dire), and so it would figure that as I started gathering info on my new favorite show (Queer as Folk, which, btw, I have decided to collect the first two seasons on DVD) I should find a quiz on which QAF character you are...it came as no suprise to see that I was, in fact, Brian. See.....

you are brian kinney!
Whether in the boardroom, the bedroom or the backroom, this hot,
heartbreaking ad exec tells it like it is…no apologies, no regrets.
Although his three favorite hobbies are sex, sex and sex,
he is also a man who is always there when his friends need him…
although he isn't always going to be nice about it.

find your queer
as folk personality!

So far I've gone through the first 13 episodes (from 2am until 3 this afternoon) and I am absolutely in love with this show...especially Brian Kinney (who's real name is Gale Harold, btw). He's such a cutie...actually, he looks a bit like Fabulous Andy. And of course Andy is gorgious...what do you expect from an ex-drag queen though? He's giving us all tips on how to look more fabulous...I don't think I'm doing very well...I have yet to become absolutely fabulous. But, such is life...I don't need to be fabulous...and hopefully Phil doesn't need me to be fabulous either. In that case we're golden. All is right with the world and I don't give a shit about anyone else's opinion. Speaking of my favorite person in the world......

I finally got to talk to Phil again today, which made me happier than sin. I was starting to get overly worried (which was refelcted in the severe amount that I drink last night) and thus relied on distractions to take my mind off of the situation. So I sat with Lindsey and Steve watching my new favorite B movie, followed by a 13 episode marathon (to be continued...) of QAF. I have yet to sleep...not that I care. I suppose it just means I'll get pleanty of rest tonight (I hope). I have to get offline for now (damned dial-up friggin modems...I can't wait for my cable modem ::big smile::), so I shall blog once more when I come back on tonight...till then, l8s

PS--Brian Kinney is awesome...even if he is fictional!

2003-06-01T23:31:00.000-04:00

::Le sigh:: It would appear that I'll be driving again tomorrow. I wonder when I'm gonna get my car? I figure after I get my actual license I'm free to move. Which is great because I'm learning that Marcellus is a rut...the longer you live her, the more stuck you become. I don't want to be stuck here. I know where I want to be...well, in a manner of speaking anyway. It makes sense to me at least.

I've decided that I'm going to leave Amtgard for a while...and Haranshire permenately. There's too much drama for me to enjoy the game anymore. And until everyone in Haranshire can grow up a little more I think I'm not going to even bother to hang out with them regardless of Amtgard...after all that's the main reason I'm leaving the group to begin with. I can't enjoy myself when people act like this group does. And I feel like Amtgard (even though it's how I met him) is screwing with my relationship with Phil. Like the whole thing from FoF. Besides, as far as events are concerned, I don't even enjoy myself at these events with Phil there too. So if he ever wants to go to event then maybe I'd go so I could be with him, but I don't see any reason to go if he won't be there. So that's it. I'm leaving Haranshire. I'm taking a break from Amtgard. I'd like to talk to Phil about this, but that is all pending on whether or not I see him online. I did call his house earlier tonight, but he wasn't there so his mom told me she let him know I called. I hope he signs on tonight. I miss him.

Listening to Skunk Anansie's "Secretly" right now. It's a beautiful song, but it makes me want to cry just the same. I don't listen to many songs that make me feel sad, but this one is so amazing and powerful that I can't help but love it, regardless of it's mood. I think I'm going to watch the Fifth Element in a few. Maybe after a cigarette and a shot. Yep...it's med time. I know I need one cuz I'm so fucking thirsty right now. Tomorrow I need to get more soda cuz I'm all out. And drinking so much water makes me feel huge. And I have to call in a refill for my pills tomorrow as well. Can't forget that, right?

2003-05-31T21:13:00.000-04:00

Hey...mom and Tom are going Boisie around the end of the month, so you know what that means...step 1: get brother out of house. step 2: colse all blinds. step 3: procced to strut around house wearing nothing but a smile!

But anyway...I think I'm going to try to con my mom into letting me drive to the store tomorrow...and then taking a brief detour in oh, say the Big Apple...yeah right. I think I would have a heart attack if I went past the city limits. Seeing as I've thus far only driven from Skaneattles (I know I can't spell it...it almost looks like I'm trying to type out "skittles" or something) to my house, I don't know if I'm ready to even venture onto the highway yet. I think I'd have to bring a change of underware for that roadtrip...as I will most likly procced to piss my pants. I think the fact that I am now legally allowed to handle how many tons of steel has somewhat got Jamie in a state of fear...he did, however, warn me not to learn anything from Nicky...then I imformed him that I wasn't planning on it. So we are now on the same page. In all honesty, I don't think that anyone should learn who to drive from Nicky. I do enjoy driving with my mom, though. She tells me helpful thinks as she sees me needing the advise, and she hasn't freaked out about my driving (not that she has any reason to...I just know that some parents freak about their kids driving just because. But I feel a hell of a lot more comfortable with her teaching me how to drive than I think I would with most people. In conclusion...I want to drive to the store tomorrow...umm...the end.

2003-05-30T18:36:00.000-04:00

Alrighty people...I know it's becoming quite over due, but I do promise that (despite my busy schedule) I am working on my GE review. I've just also been busy working with new layouts for my webpage and (big yay here) I finally got my permit! I'm so happy. I even got to drive today. I did better than I thought I would...especially considering I didn't know how the blinkers worked until I was behind the wheel and I couldn't reach the pedals without moving the seat ALL the way forward. It's interesting trying to drive when your so short. Now I can sort of understand how Barb feels. And to think, I'm taller than she is. But I did pretty well for my first time out on the road. Going down hill the first time I almost peed my pants cuz I didn't realize how much the weight of the vehicle helped it move faster even if you don't speed up yourself. But I gave the break a little lovin and all was good again. I'm very proud of me. Now it's on to phase three: job. I'm still waiting to hear from what's his face, but we may end up calling him back since he hasn't gotten in touch with us yet. I can't wait to tell Phil about how all this is going. Me and my mom are going to start looking at cars...or big scary SUVs with 4 wheel drive and the ability to compete in monster truck rallies. Or I could be really cool and get a motercycle...and then buy a little chuhuaua (I know that's not spelled right...like I care) and have it wear a little leather hat and vest and he can be named Tito and ride in my hog's side cart seat. Then I can be a hell's angel and get a tattoo that says "mother" on it and talk about the good ole days of rock n roll...where a nickle bag cost a nickel and the whores were pleantiful. And they say television has ruined children's imaginations. Ha! I wish I could tell Lindsey that I can drive...but until she gets to a pay phone and calls over here again, I won't be able to talk to her. I hate that they don't have a phone there anymore. What if there was an emergency and they needed to call the police or something? They might not have time to run to a pay phone. God I can't wait until she's able to live somewhere better than that little basement cave. She deserves somewhere better than that. But I'm starting to go off on tangents, so perhaps I should just quit yappin for now. Besides, I have to work on things...including a new layout that I'd like to try. Till I return.........

2003-05-28T00:14:00.000-04:00

I'm working on my review of Great Eastern 5, but until then all I can say is that I'm tired, sunburned, and glad to see people from outside of my "we thrive on drama" shire. More to come, hopefully tomorrow. Tha's it for now. Funny how incomplete an entry can feel when it's this short. But I have more important things to do...like talk to my baby! I love you Phil! So the rest rest of you...um, yeah....NAH!

2003-05-23T02:06:00.000-04:00

Grrrrr........right now I'm tetering on the edge. I'm debating on whether I'm going to go to GE or bail. It seems somewhat empty to me at the point. My biggest reason for wanting to be there isn't even going to be there. Phil (as I have stated before) won't be there, thus my ultimate reason for going to GE is gone. Add to that the fact that Nicky's in such a "everything has to go exactly this way or there's gonna be hell to pay" kind of mood and not letting Lindsey or me know anything that's going on for GE which is stressing both Lindsey and I out...and we're both starting to really wonder if it's worth the trouble. I'd better decide between now and tomorrow morning, after all, that is the official deadline. Not that I care oo much at this point. It may very well be a waste of money now. I wish Phil was online so I could ask him, but, alas, he's not and so I must contemplate on my own. I think I'm in one of those "I just wanna curl up and cry" kinda moods. When Phil and I move in together I think they'll turn into those "I just wanna curl up and be held" kinda moods. That's really what I'd prefere anyway. To be with him and whenever I'm feeling down, to just get a hug or something. But I'm waiting and I understand that waiting is a part of this. And most of all, I know that he is worth waiting for. So that's what I do. Sometimes I wish I could tell him just how much he means to me, but I think I'll just end up sounding like a moron so I don't saying as often or as strongly as I'd like to. I really do love him. Le sigh...I am becoming more comfortable about saying how I feel though, and with other aspects of our relationship as well. This makes me happy because I know it can be frustrating for him feeling like I'm shutting him out or something, but in reality I trust him more than anyone else in my life. I open up to him the best that I can, a little at a time. It's difficult for me to tell him some of these things, yes, but in my own time I'll be able to tell him things without hesitation. But I've gone off onto a tangent.

As I stated earlier: I'm not sure if I'll be going to GE or not. My decision shall be posted in the morning. At this moment in time, I am leaning toward a "no"...but maybe it will help to sleep on it. Who knows?

Phil, hunny, I'm sure you're prolly asleep right about now, but if you read this tonight, please call my cell...I'll most likely be up all night. If you don't read this tonight and call me, then I'll send you an email in the moring and call you sometime this weekend. If I stay here, maybe I'll see you online too...if not I'll call you Saterday and/or Sunday. I love you baby! ::mental hug:: byes.

2003-05-21T00:42:00.000-04:00

Oy,oy, oy...tonight was slightly stressful. I'm about halfway done with my dress...I still have a few more parts to sew...plus I want to finally hem my fighting pants and maybe make another pair...doubtful that it'll happen before ge though. I'm working on packing, but I need to do laundry tomorrow if I have any hope at all of being ready on time. I have my check list of stff I'm bringing...all I have to do is get organized. It's going to be me, Nicky, Lindsey, and Sera. And, despite the rain ;;grrr:: and the fact that my hunny won't be there ::sob:: I'm hoping to enjoy myself and see some of the people I missed from Gauntlet. Of course this time maybe I'll stay away from the demons blood. Of course Phil's concerned. I think he's worried about me drinking as much as I did at FoF...but that truely was a one time mistake. I am entitled to at least onw of those, right? (note: this is directed towards everyone else...not you Phil. I know you're just worried and thinking of me. Everyone else can just stop playing mommy and shut up. But anyway, since I won't be sharing a tent with Phil, I'll be sharing one with Lindsey...and possibly Nicky. Oh, my!

Good news of the day: after months of fallen through plans and whatnot, tomorrow I am actually, finally getting my permit...which means I'm getting a car...which means I can drive out to see Phil when I want to. Yay! cars! So that's something to look forward to. And when I get back from ge, I'm going to start the job hunt. Slowly but surely...I'm getting my life together. For real this time.

Oh, and by the way, when I see Mac next, he's a dead man. You see, I had a little chat with my father, and my friends need to be punished...you know who you are. I don't like being lied to...and what kind of moron do you take me for? I grew up on a military base...I know things that civilians do not. You can't play this bullshit game with me Josh. I will win. Mostly because I am evil...but also because I'm so much smarter than you. I'm not being mean, just truthful. And I don't like being lied to...after all, everyone knows that liars eventually get caught. ::grr::

But I'm off things to sew, bags to pack, people to talk to...you know how it goes...L8erz!

2003-05-17T17:32:00.000-04:00

Note to self: when I move out, get as far away from my mother as possible.

PS--some people are so horrible that they need to be shot. Maybe fter I have a vent session with a friend, I'll feel better. I hope..... Phil, I'll give you the details about what's going on later, everyone else, if you need to know, you most likely already do, if not, ask me and I'll tell you if you are one of the one's that deserve details.

Shortest blog ever (by me anyway)!

2003-05-16T01:11:00.000-04:00

Hmmm...thing are and aren't good. People are increasingly frustrating. Sometimes I think I should just give up on showing up to anything centered around the Haranshire crew. I've really never felt quite like I belonged...and since I've taken sort of a break from field, I realize that I don't feel missed in the slightest. I'm begining to feel very detatched from them...so it should be interesting riding to GE. I'll be with Nicky (not a problem) and Jess (insert waving red flags here). I really don't mind Jess...at least in small doses and in places where I can walk away from her if I feel the need to escape...but on a long road trip...I may jump out of the car screaming in terror. I learned first at Gauntlet and then at FoF how much it sucks to ride in a car with someone you can barely stand on a superficial basis...let alone a cramped setting such as this. But even if you took all of my weary feelings about Jess as a person aside, there's the fact that she has to work...which means we wouldn't even be leaving fucking Syracuse until 6 in the evening on Friday night. I'm thrilled about that. I don't want to get there in the middle of the night and have to find everything in the pitch dark like that. But of course my opinion doesn't matter. I'm sure there was no one else in Haranshire that she could ride with that her shedule would be more convieniant for. But whatever..... I've been in a bad mood the past couple of days anyway, so this is obviously a huge help. And I haven't talked to Phil in a few days and I really want to cuz I wanna see how things are going and just because I miss him like crazy, but he's never online when I am...so I'm SOL. ::grrr:: Everything needs to work out for GE. I really do need everything to go the way I want it to...otherwise I think I'm going to just freak. I'm already pissed as hell at Jamie and don't even want to see his face at the event. In fact, if he comes up to me and says one fucking word I just might deck him. If anyone says anything. I'm really hoping I can snap out of this mood before then, but I'm never quite sure...I think it may be time to go back on the meds. Maybe that's why everything seems to suck lately...I'm just that screwed up in the head. I'm going to take the meds and see if that helps my mood..if it does than it looks like I'm going back on them...if not, I think it's time to see another doctor.

But on a different note...I just wanna say: Phil, I'd really like to get ahold of you, but you're never on when I am...I'm generally off by one now (as per the orders of el Moma) so maybe sometimes you might wanna get online before 3 in the morning? I miss you and I wanna talk (don't worry, nothings wrong...and the problem I emailed you about before that you were wondering about is taken care of...if you want to know more, ask me later, alright?). I love you tons! If I don't hear from you sometime this weekend I'm going to hike my ass up there, find you, and beat you over the head with your keyboard...and you know I would. It's for your own good hun...I swear! Otay...I've scolded you enough...I'll punish you later in private. ::evil grin:: I love you baby!

And I'm spent.

2003-05-14T08:03:00.000-04:00

Hehehe....my hunny made my birthday! I can't garenttee I'll stay happy all day...after all, I do have my family to deal with, but at least Phil started it off right. He sent me a cute little email. It made me very happy. And of course he had to ask about my last blog even though I asked everyone not to...but since he's my boyfriend and I love him and I know he's just worried, I gave in and told him anyway. I know...I'm losing my resolve, but he deserves to know things that are wigging me out. So I'm telling him more of the stuff I don't want to get into...besides, if we're going to be living together, I have to get used to telling him these things. Wow...did I just make sense? It's scary how maturity can sneak up on you like that...

Let's see how the rest of the day goes... ::crosses fingers:: Wish me luck.

2003-05-13T01:01:00.000-04:00

Ack! Just one more day till I'm 19...and fuck if I wasn't in a pissy mood tonight. When my mom asked me about what kind of cake I wanted I snapped back "arsinc." Oh, yeah. I was a ball of sunshine today...but I had my reasons. I need to make sure I wake up at a normal time today cuz my mom's going to bring Jason up to the mall later and I'm hoping she'll take me to the bank too. I'm also trying to convince her to let me have some of my savings for something I need to take care of, otherwise I'm sort of screwed. Please, nobody ask me about it...I'll just get upset about it, plus I prefere not to have everyone know every little thing that's going wrong in my life. Don't worry, I'll sort it out somehow. Until then I'm just trying to consentrate on happier things, like GE. I need to talk to Nicky and figure things out. And I think things are looking up as far as Phil being able to go. I know I just saw him recently, but I really want to see him again (in a less stressed out atmosphere). If he can't come to GE I think I really might just cry. I really miss him, but at least I got to call him last night. It was nice to hear his voice again...esapecially since I've only gotten to talk to him on AIM since he got back home. It's amazing how wonderful it feels to actaully hear the person you love say "I love you" rather than having it typed out. Don't get me wrong...no matter how he says those three words, it makes me melt, but to hear him say them makes it all the more special. Lindsey was right...I am just as sappy as the best of em....oh well. I'm happy, that's all that mattes. Of course I think I'll really be happy when we're finally living together. Then I won't be missing him all the time and I'll get to see him when ever I want...and I'll get other stuff when ever I want too........ In any case...I've gone one about my love for long enough now. I love you Phil, and I'll talk to you later. Everyone else...NAH!

2003-05-10T23:29:00.000-04:00

Okay...as I didn't go to bed until ten this morning, I didn't go to field. I completely forgot that it's Tom's birthday todayish...not that it affects me. It just reminded my mom to ask me about stuff for mine. "What kind of cake do you want? What do you want to get?" Grrrrrrr...I hate questions like that...it's just like "I don't know...you're making my head hurt." I was really suprised this morning when Phil popped online. We talked for a little bit before he went back to bed. I wonder how things are coming for him as far as being at GE...? I'm keeping my fingers crossed, cuz if he's not there, it's gonna suck. I need someone to be there who won't treat me like a little kid. Ever since FoF I've been avoiding people so I won't have to be guilt tripped or whatever. I know Phil understands this and while he was down here he made sure no one said anything to me about drinking, but now that he's back in New Hampshire I have to deal with it myself if anyone wants to confront me. So, yeah, I really want my Phil to be there.

I need to get to Jo Ann's Fabric so I can get the rest of the material I need for that dress. Oh, Barb thinks I should be a wood elf! Of course I can picture myself doing that...after all why wouldn't I want to run around in a loin cloth? After all, I wore an apron and a thong one day to cheer up Lindsey, this couldn't be any worse, right? ::plotting:: Hehehe...I am evil! But anyway (getting back on track), I think I'm gonna get a ride to the bank on Monday then see if I can't get out to either Jo Ann's or Walmart. Either way, it'll be nice to get out of the house at least.

Eventually I'll have more stuff to say...right now I'm hoping Lindsey will get online so I can talk to her about a few things....And no, Phil, I still haven't thought of anything. I'm working on it. Think, think, think...sex on the brain. I might blog again later, but, then again, I may not.

2003-05-10T07:06:00.000-04:00

It's been a looooong night. I've been up rearranging my website. It's starting to look a little better. I worked on the main page (look ma, I have margins! Even though I did it in a very cheap and ghetto looking way) and fixed some stuff with the pictures. They are now grouped into different catagories and are in thumbnail form, although the thumbnails don't look nearly as good as I'd like them to. I still haven't added the little box that gives you a caption when you move the mouse over the thumbnail, as I haven't figured out what I need to do to get that. So I'm in research mode, trying to figure out how to do it. It's probably something totally easy and I'm just a dumbass for not being able to figure it out, but, such is life. Other than that, I'm pretty happy with how it's comming along. I'll probably be scanning some more pictures soon, too. And I need to add some more stuff to the Wiccan section as well. Other than that I think my brain is too fried to think of anything else to add, but I'm open to suggestions.

I'm not sure if I feel like going to field today or not. I suppose it depends on how I feel after a little bit of sleep. But it's been beautiful out lately, and today is no exception. I haven't been to field in weeks though. It may very well have been over a month since I was last there. Maybe it will do me some good to go and run around like the weirdo I am. Besides, it's better than sitting around on my ass all day like I have been. And Paul's back (for a weekend, anyway), so hopefully he'll be on the field so I have someone there who's ass I know I can kick...especially since he's been exposed to the British for a few months. We were all waiting for him to come in Thursday night, but as usual, he was late. So somehow we ended up recreating Stomp in the Toman's kitchen and singing faire music. And I was a Tenage Mutant Ninja Turtle...Raphael, incase you were wondering.

I'm very disappointed with Papa T.....He's being a completely irrational asshole. He banned Lindsey from his house. And for what, do you ask? For Beltane. It is his opinion that we shouldn't have held a pagan holiday celebration in a Christian household. Which is complete bullshit because (1) Lindsey didn't even know that it had been moved to the Lessaongang's. She had planned on it being out in Courtland at Jess's mother's property. It was Jess and Josh who decided to have it at the Lessaongang's instead. And (2) Mama L said it was okay for everyone to be there. It was explained to her beforehand that this was a pagan celebration and she was fine with us doing it there. Mr L, however, I know hates pagans with a passion and not only didn't want us there (as was made apparent when he went bitching to Papa T) but treated us with absolutely no respect. Because of the stick up his ass and his dogmatic ways, Lindsey has become a scapegoat for his issues with people who aren't just like him. It has been disscussed by a few of us and we agree that there are no grounds for Lindsey to be banned. If she is to be banned than every person who was at Beltane should be held to the same standards. But if you ask me, this is just an excuse for Papa T...I think he's a petty old man who's still bitter towards her because of Jenn. Not that he has any right to have hostility on Jenn's behalf anyway. If she wants to take things personally and not let go of the past then she's pretty petty herself. But none of that matters. I know as well as anybody that people are really getting sick of the routine of Amtgard, Tomans; Amtgard, Tomans.....they want a change. So maybe it won't even matter that Lindsey can't be at the Toman's. No one else really wants to be there all the time either. I think the only reason we still do it is because no one's thought to say "hey, why don't we go somewhere else instead?" Maybe now they will...and if they don't, I'll kick their asses, cuz I won't let Lindsey feel left out. But I've ranted enough for now...

I love Phil, but he's given me a very difficult task. I have to tell him things that would make sex better for me. I really can't think of anything so far though. I mean, the last time we really got to go at it was amazing, so how am I supposed to find things that are better? ::grrrr:: I think he's just being insecure. Hell, I know he is. He's only told me about a hundred times that he's insecure about that. But everytime I say what I think of our sex life he tells me I'm just saying it to make him feel better. I mean, in all honesty, my only problem this weekend was that we were around to many people to really get into it and I couldn't be loud which sucks cuz I think we both enjoy it more when I can scream till I'm hoarse. ::evil grin:: But that wasn't something he could control. But, because I promised him I would, I'm going to think and see if there's anything I can come up with. See, I would never ask him to tell me what I should/shouldn't do...I think that would fuck with my self esteem. I would probably cry...of course, come to think about it, he actually has made suggestions to me, but I guess they were said in such a way that I really didn't think of it as criticism...clever boy.

Ack! My birthday is on Wednesday. I'm a little bit scared. But luckily, I think very few people are actually aware of this fact, so I can just act like it's any other day.

2003-05-08T06:58:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a while since my last blog, so bere with me...I have a lot to say.

Hospitals definately aren't fun. Yeah, I was back there recently. A few days in ICU and a day or two more in a real room (and no morphine this time!) and I'm back to normal give or take a few extra bruises. As soon as Lindsey found out, she was out to see me, which cheered me up big time. They even let me go out and have a smoke with her. Thank god for the hospitals having pajama pants! I managed to get out on Friday which was very lucky for me cuz how should happen to take a trip out to see me but my sweetie, Phil. So after they discharged me we trooped over to my house (Lindsey, my brother, and myself) to pack my bags and spend a few nights over at her place.

I was over at her place for a while when we got "The Call." After a frustrated groan from Lindsey, I heard "Danni, I've got to go get your boyfriend. He's at the bus station...and he's trashed." After getting my stomach off of the ground I got very upset and started to freak as she left to go to the RTC. But Steve and I decided to calm down and watch some eye candy (i.e. Queen of the Damned). So we watched the movie and although I calmed down quite a bit, I continued to watch the clock in nervous anticipation. We were about half way through the movie (with Steve lounged on my hip) when they came in. Lindsey gave me the thumbs up "it's alright" signal and then I saw him. As per usual, my heart about skipped a beat when I saw him. That's one of the things I love about him: every time I see him for the first time again (and even sometimes just talking to him or thinking about him) I get butterflies in my stomach like it's the first night we kissed all over again. How sappy is that? My hidden romantic side has come out. But anyway, his lazy drunken butt plops right into a chair without even saying hi to me, so I wait till after I get up and pee then go over to him to say my hellos and plant my little ghetto ass in his lap. so we spent the rest of the movie cuddled up in the chair and then I dragged him off to Wayne Mannor for bed.

The next day (despite his insisting that we should go to field so he could kick some ass) we hung out in the apartment most of the day as Lindsey got more and more stressed because everything that could go wrong for Beltane seemed to be going that way. Later that night Barb came to pick us up and take it to the Lessaongang's (instead of the originally planned on Courtland and Jess's mother's property) for the pagan feastivites. Lindsey (after breaking a few of the glasses as a stress reliever) declared that she wasn't going, but we knew that if she didn't go she would regret it later and trooped her off to the car. Whe we got there I was a little leary of people babying me after the whole extreme drinking at FoF (btw, I promised Phil that from now on I will only go event drinking if he's with me...I have to admit, it's probably for the best, and I'd rather be drinking with him anyway...after all, how else are we supposed to get drunk and fuck like bunnies...right Phil? *evil grin*), but Phil told me that if anyone wanted to say anything to me, he would take care of it and they wouldn't say anything again. *sighs* Yeah, he's a sweetie. So we went inside to put our shit down and then he went off to set up our tent while I hung out (no pun intended) with the penis patrol by the grill. As with any pagan holiday (or campout for that matter) there was much consumption of dead animals...and potato salad! After we ate, Drew gave us an amazing fire twirling demo. I've seen him twirl before, but I didn't realize just how amazing he was until he did it with the fire this weekend. We were blown away. The came the bonfire...that damned fertility bonfire...which Phil just had to jump over about twenty times. Although I was more worried about him being set ablaze than the fact that it was a fertility fire, I tried (and failed) like a madwoman to stop him from jumping over it. Eventually things wound down and I decided I wanted to go to bed. We managed to sleep indoors (thanks to Mama L) and went down to the basement to sleep. Well, I should have seen it coming. Beltane is a celebration of fertility...and I was feeling it. So the Danni pounced Phil and I guess I kinda suprised him. Not that he was complaining...I think he was just suprised that I was in such a (as he says) "frisky" mood. All I have to say is that I hadn't seen him in over a month. I needed to take some Danni time and placate my hormones. But the next morning was time for business. I was north in our Beltane ritual. Josh opened the circle, then Jess called east, Lindsey called south, Barb called west and I called north. With my rock...I mean a big ass rock. Although everyone was a little timid about being the first to speak up, but Josh (being typical Josh) took the reins and went to everybody, reminding them of the things they needed to get out or think about. So we all said what we felt we needed to and the ritual continued fabuously. We drank from the goblet, closed the circle (yay! Quin), and ended in a great big group hug. And I think that Lindsey was actually pleased with the way things turned out...despite the things that didn't go quite as planned.

And eventually we all packed up and came pack to the apartment. I'm not sure about exact days the whole weekend because time kind of runs together in my life, but I should mention the best thing that happened this week: Phil and I have decided and I suppose I can say "have made it offial" that we are going to move in together. I mean it's not like we're going to do it really soon or anything. There's still a bunch of stuff we have to decide, like where we want to move. It's kind of difficult because he doesn't like New Hampshire and I don't particuairly enjoy New York. But, such is life. We'll talk about it and make a decision that we're both happy with. I'm just happy thinking about living with him. After months of dating and not being able to see him a lot of the time, I'm really looking forward to being able to see him whenever I want. And don't forget booty calls...I mean, err.....quality time. But seriously, I get all excited whenever I think of us having a place together. But god, please don't let us become the kind of couple that ends up having to give a bazillion Amtgarders crash space when they come to our neck of the woods. Besides, too many house guests will wake the hybrid tumor!

Oh, and I finally met the absolutely fabulous Andy! He's such a doll. And a real cutie to boot. You can really tell he used to be a drag queen! He has the aditude for it. And his bellyring kicks ass! A cock that rises if you do the little button thingy. So cool...and funny. I think Phil might have been a little weirded out by it...and Andy himself as well. Oh well. I liked him.

Our last night together was a little high tention. First Steve went off into a horrible mood, then Lindsey went off and started pacing and cleaning like it was going out of style. This stressed me out, and like a big nerd I started crying...mostly cuz I was upset that Phil's last night with me was so high tention. But he took me outside to calm down. We had a smoke and sat on the step cuddling till I was ready to go back in. We finished watching our movie (and Lindsey got so grossed out that she ran out of the room to yak when the vamped chick ripped a chunk out of some guy's neck). At some point I pissed him off, but I managed to get his mood back up and we talked and everything was okay again. And then Danni got frisky again. Now I'm dealing with Lindsey teasing me about "rocking her to sleep." That's what happens when you have to do it in a bunk bed though. Phil, I hope you're not mad that I'm talking about this...after all, Lindsey's told all the girls about it anyway. Sorry hun..........

So my baby left Tuesday morning. Barb was nice enough to take him to the RTC (thank you Barb!). Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention this in my email to you Phil, but I found your warning shrit. It was between the couch and Lindsey's shoe chest. Don't worry...I'll keep it safe until I see you again. And ha! I love your thermal...I'm wearing it right now...and I look good! But then again, you always say I look good anyway. Hehe...I love you!!!

So that was my week...soon I'll be back home (yes, I'm still at Lindsey's) and hopefully I'll be getting some birthday (less than a week away now) money so I have funds for Great Eastern. I can't believe how close it is. Only about two weeks away...eep! So I suppose I should get to work gathering my stuff, making final plans, maybe sewing if I can manage it. We shall see. And you had better be there Phil! I'm going to cry big fat tears if you end up not being able to come. I think I'm excited. I've heard lots of good stories about GE's past, so I hope I enjoy it as much as everybody says I will. And I'm supposed to talk to Leo, so.....wish me luck. And there are two weddings. And I am the maid of honor in both of them. Oy! And it seems I'm in charge of planning Niamh's. Hehehe...the things I could do...but I'm not mean like that. See what happens when everyone loves you? I don't even know why people like RiverQuinn so much...it's not like she's particuairly nice to anybody...especially her squire! Ah, such is life....whatevah. Things could get interesting..... Better get cracking.

2003-04-29T15:29:00.000-04:00

A few notes as I continue to work on my FOF post:
(1) Almost immediately after I arrived home I spent Phil an email letting him know I was home safe and that I love him and the usual. I have yet to hear back from him so if any of my friends who read this have heard from him in the past couple days, please let me know or let him know I've been looking for him.
(2) A lot of my getting sick was not, infact, the Saracen drinks I was chugging. It was actually due to a physical condition I am dealing with, which I won't yet name (mostly due to the fact that I haven't been able to see a doctor yet. Don't blame me, blame my father for not sending me the insurance info I need so that I can go get checked out). As soon as I know what's going on with me, it will be posted.

Now I have to rest again....funny, didn't I just wake up? I hate when my body does mean things to me..........

2003-04-28T01:53:00.000-04:00

I came, I saw, I drank...more to come tomorrow. For now I just wanna sleep. PS--thank you James for taking care of me not just today,but all weekend. And to Guile who apartently carried me back to my tent Saterday night. You're both sweet hearts. I really appreciate everyone who showed concern and offered help to me. All things concidered, it was a great weekend. Excellent job Crystal Groves!

2003-04-24T06:54:00.000-04:00

I've stayed up all night thinking. I realize there are unpleasent things in my diary, but Amber is right. I shouldn't stop being honest. I know it's not always the best thing in the world to read. But it's the truth from my eyes. Infact, there are things that I hold back still. But I do hope Phil knows how sorry I am that he was bothered?/hurt?/upset? by the things he read tonight. I love him more than I can even sometimes think of the right words for and I honestly wish that I never did anything that made him unhappy or frustrated or any other thing that made him anything less than completely satisfied that I was doing everything in my power to make him happy. But unfortunately I can't be that perfect girlfriend all the time. I know he doesn't expect me to, but when I know I'm the one making his day a little more stressful I feel like a horrible person for it. I didn't mean to screw this up Phil. I should have just recognized that you were doing something nice for me because you love me and let you do it instead of focusing on all my fears about what I usually expect around this time of year. I know the best thing to do is talk about it and really figure out why I'm so nervous about it. Of course I imagine part of it was becaus I've never gotten something from someone who means so much to me and I didn't know what to expect to happen. I'm not used to getting anything really period. I don't know. Maybe that had bearing on it too...maybe I was afraid of getting my hopes up then, like normal, not even getting acknowledged on my birthday. Besides, all I really want is to be with him anyway. I'm not that materialistic. I know he wants me to have something to remind me that I'm loved and that makes me think of him. I shouldn't have said anything. He wanted to do this for me. That's what I should have focused on. Any other girl would have loved her boyfriend to do something like that. But instead of being grateful I pushed him to the point where he's dropped the whole thing. I'm not upset about that...I'm upset that I did that to him. I'm such a bitch. But every time he'd ask me what I wanted I'd panic. I just wouldn't even know what to ask for anyway. I couldn't even ask "what do girls usually get" because I'm clearly not a normal kind of girlfriend. I mean, it's my life's mission to collect everything with a Happy Bunny on it for godsake! What kind of girl likes a bunny that hates everyone. That's me though...I collect Happy Bunnys, pretend to be this cool painter/writer/drawer(?), wear hand-me-downs and hot topic, and stay up all night so I can sleep all day since I have no life. I don't know...prolly the most normal girlie thing I even could imagine wanting is flowers. I've never gotten flowers before...unless you count from family when I'm in the hospital. But even that's not normal. I'm not all like "ooohh....i need a bunch of red roses....what?!?! You got me pink ones? You sonofabitch--you're balls are coming off!" I'm a big nerd. I think lilies are the shit...and, as I estblished to someone at some point this week (I don't remember who anymore.......or when....where...why.), of all the lilies, stargazers are the kings. See? I'm the anti-girl. I wouldn't know what to do with flowers or jewelry. I mean, the only piece of jewelry I wear on a normal day (not counting my nose and tongue(?) piercings) is a pentacle on a black cord...and sometimes a ring. Like I don't wear earings, I don't wear braclets...I'm usually worried that necklaces are gonna choke me. Wow...I just remembered something on my site. Prepare for copy and paste.........:::What are the top ten gifts you love would like to receive? I’m not very good at the whole “what would you want” type of thing…I guess simple things like flowers, a card, yummy bath stuff, cute underwear, contributions to the further piercing and inking of my poor little body, money (it always helps to have a little extra cash for those damn medical bills), books…especially Wiccan ones, anything from Seven Rays, candles and incense and herbs/oils, and…….a massage (always a nice thing to get. ):::............I think I wasn't paying too much attention to the fact that it was supposed to be "romantic" but I'm weird so I like stuff like that. Generally stuff I'll get use out of. Fuck! Why couldn't I have gotten this shit out earlier. Then I wouldn't have made things so difficult for Phil. I don't know how useful any of these suggestion would have been to him though. I guess if I was I guy I'd feel pretty weird giving my girlfriend most of this stuff. But it really doesn't matter anyway. He's made a much wiser choice as to what to do with his money...save for a car. I just hope that he's not mad a me. I was still upset when I got home and maybe I over reacted on my posts. But that's over and done with. I just have to hope he knows I didn't mean to act like that and that he'll forgive me. I'm prolly gonna try to email him or something today while I'm at Barbs and hopefully I'll hear from him before we leave for Feast of Fools tomorrow morning/afternoonish. If not, I might end up calling his house this weekend...assuming my cell phone works in Maryland. It had better! But for now I must finish with laundry and hemming my pants so I can finish packing and be ready to head over to Barb's later. Phil, if you read this before I talk to you I just want to tell you that I love you so much and I really am sorry. Please don't be mad at me. I didn't know it was so important. I'm just a paranoid idiot.......I love you.

2003-04-24T02:15:00.000-04:00

Feeling better. Still depressed, but for different reasons......Stupid birthday is coming up. I hate it. I love other people's birthdays, but mine have a lot of badness tied to them. And it seems so stupid to me. Why am I celebrating? I'm trying to avoid it as best I can...considering most people know when it is. I think I'll just hide that week. And if people try to come and get me and make me celebrate I'll just have my mom tell them I'm gone. Yes, I know some of you are reading this and won't care and therefore try to come over anyway, but I figured for once my mom owes me enough to at least keep people away. My theory is (and it has yet to be dis-proven) that birthdays are always a big disappointment. Especially considering I almost killed myself for my last birthday present. Andy, if you ever read this anymore, I'm sorry, but you remember what I said that day on the phone. And I remember the tears in your eyes when you saw the massive amouts of scars that day brought...in more ways than one. You're still one of my favorite boys...and always my monkey. I just thought I'd tell you that, despite the horrible things that happened in those months I live with Chrissy and Lee, in a strange way you really did save me. Even if you thought I quit for the wrong reasons, all I know is that at least I quit. I can't believe it's been almost a year. I promise that one of these days I'll go down to your nexk of the woods for a visit so you can see (in person) just how much happier and healthier I am. You did a lot for me that you didn't have to. Thank you for making me realize I was an idiot. Wow...I suppose when you look at it, it was prolly my best and my worst birthday. And to think...I didn't even get a piniata that year. :P So I should be more optomistic (somebody has to) and think, hey...if that can be a good birthday, how could this be any worse.....?*knock on wood* And maybe this time I'll even manage not to attempt suicide. Come to think of it, haven't I done that other years too....? *scratches head* Wow...I'm not bipolar....

I figure if I do manage to get myself in the birthdayish mood, I'm going to get piss ass drunk, for starters. Secondly, seeing as I plan on being alone, I'm going to lay on my bed in my undies and cry about how fat I feel (not even really look...I just feel huge for some reason), then to make it better I'm going to mange to eat a tub of frosting....wait....if I'm drinking frosting might be a bad idea...scratch the frosting. Um.....maybe I should watch a movie. A girlie movie.....like Bridget Jones' Diary or something. Then I'll perk up in the middle of the movie....then at the end I'll burst out in tears cuz she gets her guy and I remember I'm in my room, alone, drunk, and in my underwear. Then I proceed to pass out.

The next day I gather all my checks, count out the total in my head, and decide to move out. Cuz I'm 19 now and I said so! And then I'll realize I have nowhere to go and then I slump back into the house, disheartened as my friend Josh Bach would say. Then I'd drop to my knees and yell out "WHY GOD? WHY!?!?!?" Then I'd go back to my room...which it seems will be mine forever. And I'll cry some more.....

"Would ya like a chocolate covered pretzel?" - guess who.......

2003-04-23T23:01:00.000-04:00

Life and frustration....they seem to go hand in hand sometimes. I feel so guilty because even though I'm spending more time with the people here and have learned that despite the drama and the oddities they bear I really do enjoy them (most of them), however it's hard for me to spend time with them because I'm getting bad again. I have mood swings going to the point where I'm having a great time doing whatever with them to suddenly feeling like I'm about to burst into tears and wishing I was alone in my roome because they all must be horrible evil people who hate me and could care less if I was a part of their circle of friends or not. Which makes me even sadder because I'm learning that it isn't true. I mean, even take today for instance. I guess Phil was online talking to Amber and it seems they're "plotting" something to do with me. It's bad enough that to even start with I have acute paranoia (doctore diagnosed and even sometimes treated), but add that I hate suprises and the fact that despite the fact that my friends know various details of my life such as the fact that I'm a total pig and drink diet Dew like it's going out of style, they have no real knoweldge of my personal tastes, desires, fears or any real substancial thing that gives them the right to plot anything with my boyfriend just because they assume that since they'd like it, I'll like it. And so I spend half of this afternoon wanting to run home, curl up in my mother's lap and cry. So I let myself fall asleep on the Toman's couch. Of course until I can get a new psychologist and new meds (I hate the fact that I have to change them so often...I suppose that after enough time your body re-adjusts to them, thus making them inaffective), I'm stuck on this annoying rollercoaster. Maybe I'm just a miserable person to be around right now...but I think I've managed to keep a positive face on most of the time, so I doubt anyone has noticed...except for maybe Phil, but then again he's always worried that something's wrong.

I was going to post something better, like how Phil got a job and I started dancing around the Toman living room like a moron, or how I drank last night until I refused to move around in any other way than scooting across the floor I was sprawled out on...but I'm going to save that for a little while until the cloud has lifted and I'm ready to smile. Phil, honey, if you read this please don't be worried. I really want to talk to you. I'm just in a funny mood right now. I love you and if you've got some weird plan with Amber then I guess I should just suck it up and deal. You know I'm just extremely paranoid...you can't get mad cuz you are too. :P I really do love you. I'm going to be packing for FOF tonight, but I'll come down a lot to see if you're on, so wait around if you don't hear from me right away, otay? I miss you sweetness.

2003-04-21T19:37:00.000-04:00

I did it! I did it! And now I finally have the proof. What should I recieve in the mail today but the offical proof that I'll never have to worry about high school again. I must admit, I kicked that test's ass. The minimum score you had to have in any subject was 415. My lowest was 600 (my highest was 730). And you had to get a total score of at least 2250. I got 3270! Yay! me.... This calls for a celebration. I rock so hard. Go me! I just had to talk about it. I'm so excited. Now, as I'm in a very playful mood, I'm going to treat you to some more fun quizzes.

You are Little Earthquakes...strong and bold, but
reminiscent of the sadness and the struggle,
you are a leader in the minds of others.

Which Tori Amos Album Era Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I totally agree with this one. I'm definately strong and sad.

You are the Unnamed Main Character from
"Fight Club".

Which Edward Norton character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yeah...yeah.

You're Beth! You enjoy scene kids,skipping class,
AIM, and putting pictures of you boobies up on
lipstickparty. You are pretty good about taking
out the trash and doing the dishes. You have
doubled your piercings and your scene status
since you moved to orlando. You arent home very
often and when you are you usually have
company. You used to be really close with
Amanda but the two of you have become a lot
different and you now prefer the company of
others. You are the "nicest" room
mate of 311.

Which room mate of apartment 311 are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hehe...really does sound a lot like me.

Brown Eyes

What Color Eyes Should You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
I am not a brat!

Rena; Never again to drown

Which Dragon Kin are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hey, works for me...

Lovesalot Bear, you're a lover. You have alot of
friends. You fall in love easily, you're very
trusting and caring.

Which Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Funny...I always thought I'd be grumpy bear. :P

You are Willie! The LITERAL sexy beast! You are a
stud, and you know it, and you aren't afraid to
show it (but you should maybe shave more).

Which Sexy Beast Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
It's true. I am one sexy beast.

Japan is the place for you. Skyscrapers, flashing
lights, loud noises and really REALLY cute
things are what you like. Here, have some RICE!

Would you survive in Japan?
brought to you by Quizilla
As long as I don't offend anybody and dress up like Lum...somehow I don't think they'ed see the humor in it that I do....

YOU ARE MY SOULMATE!!! Good for you. Now all you
have to do is find me and marry me.

Are You My Soul Mate?
brought to you by Quizilla
Ummm....yay?

You are Ryoko! yes you are a tough ruthless lazy
greedy and self centered intergalactic scourge
HOWEVER your limitless privateerism is only
srupassed by your undying devotion to Tenchi,
yes you would even die for him. Of all of his
friends you are truly worthy of his love.

Which Tenchi Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
As long as I don't have to have aqua hair.

Yay!

2003-04-21T03:55:00.000-04:00

Have I mentioned today just how much I hate CNY? Maybe I wouldn't mind it if it weren't for the fact that it just so happens to be populated. I really do try (or at least I did) to be patient with everybody, but I've had enough of the drama. I think from now one I'm just going to keep to myself. If people here want to spend time with me it's going to be on a personal basis and if they bring the drama with them, I'm out. I just can't do it any more. I don't like the person I am when I'm with these people. And Jess, in one of her musings, said that that's one of the three true reasons you should break up with someone. I am applying it towards friendships in this case. As a matter of fact, Phil is one of the few people that I can be with or talk to and still love the person I am around them. Generally speaking I like the person I am around Lindsey and Barb as well. And I suppose I'm the same way around Sandy too. Sometimes I feel bad for her. Especially when I see people treat her as if she hasn't got a proper brain cell in her head. I see enough of myself in her to realize that she puts on a happy act to hide her feelings so no one can see her hurt. So it really pisses me off when people treat her like that's all there is to her: this goofy little girl image. But then again, it's really not my place to say. And so I'd rather no, since every time ANYONE in this group opens their mouth it seems as though the shit will hit the fan.

Getting back on track after that brief rambling, I think I'm just going to back off from the group for a little while and settle things. I still have yet to get my permit, so I'm going to set a time to go for that. I'm going to talk to the guy from the living assisstance place and get an appointment to talk about working (unfortunately this will more thatn likely mean going back to therapy and psychologists and getting new meds...and actually taking them on a regular basis and diagnosises and all that horrible crap to get me back into balance). I hate all this mental health maintaince, but unfortunately I need it now more that I before. But, gods willing, with all that in order I'll be a shining, happy member of the work force with a car and a license to ill.....I mean drive. And I'm thinking about trying to enroll in OCC so I have a better chance of doing what I want with my life...and making the cash too. Danni has bills to pay. So I want to make enough to take care of myself. And then maybe I'll be able to get out of CNY and go somewhere I really want to be. *closes eyes and things of somewhere she isn't* I have thoughts on the subject, but only time will tell what I'll really do.

I know I'm a loser, but I really miss Phil. It absolutely runs me up and down the walls when he says he wants to cuddle with me. I just sit at the computer and remember what it's like to be with him...and all I want to do is be there again. I love thinking back to when I went to see him in New Hampshire. Being with him makes me so happy. It really does. Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky...of course Phil seems to think that he's the lucky one. Maybe we should just call a draw...we're both lucky to have found each other. And I'm an emotional nerd cuz I'm sitting here crying and just babbling about my boyfriend. But they aren't sad or hurt tears. I know it sounds bizzare to call them happy tears, but I really do feel happy, even though I'm sitting here crying. I really feel like I'd sound to crazy if I explained why I think I'm crying, so I'll just leave it at that. In fact I feel like an idiot saying just the things I already have, but this is a collection of my thoughts and feelings, so I'm going to post it as is, no appolgies, no shame. I may be a loser, but at least I'm a loser who's in love and is loved in return.

2003-04-20T07:14:00.000-04:00

Attack of the Quizzes: Day 2
Later today I'm heading of to Amber's for Easter holiday fun, so I'm getting in an assload of quizzes before I crash till the point in time when Collin comes to pick me up. I think these were some pretty good ones, and if they aren't then you're prolly just a bunch of ball lickers anyway. Take and enjoy...ball lickers!

Congratulations, your Deadsy soulmate is frontman
P. Exeter Blue! Deep thinking and ready to try
anything, you are a bit weird, but hey,when
exeter wants you, you got it all!

Who is Your Deadsy Mate?
brought to you by Quizilla
See? I always get the cute ones...ALWAYS

You are a unicorn.
You are magestic and free.
You are the hight of all that is good.

What Mystical Creature are you???
brought to you by Quizilla
Yeah, right...I played a unicorn in a quest once...who's soul purpose was to catch Meticus. Such a noble creature--not really.

You're Alyssa Jones (from Chasing Amy). You've
seen it all and done THEM all, but you're
really just looking for that one special person
in your life. Aw.

Which Kevin Smith Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Now whatexactly are they implying here?

You are Water! You like it calm... Post this in
your journal!

What Element Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Okay. I'll bite. Yeah, I like rain and swimming rocks my socks. And now it's getting warm enough that I can again.

Lover Pirate

What Kind of Pirate Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yarg! Matey...I be a lover, not a fighter. Or 'twas it the other way 'round?

You are Bettie Page!!

Which sex icon are U?
brought to you by Quizilla
I wouldn't have it any other way!

Labatt's

What Beer Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
How do I always seem to get roped in with those goofy Canadians? You date on and you're labeled for life...

You scare me. That is all.

What's Your Inner Bra?
brought to you by Quizilla
Okay...I'm willing to admit that Barb is my Midget sex slave of love...but I swear, that doesn't make me a freak. Who are you to judge! PS--special thanks to Barb, without whom this outcome would not have been possible.

Mistress may I? Heh. Who wears the pants? You wears
the pants! Just remember that it's fun to
switch sometimes and not everyone enjoys being
bossed around in or out of the sack.

What's Your Bedroom Personality? (For Her)
brought to you by Quizilla
You know as well as I that in my relationship NOBODY wears the pants. I think that's why it works. :P Love you Phil!!!

You are Stormy!

Which Rainbow Brite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
The sad part is, I am old enough to remember all the lesser known characters of Rainbow Brite. Damn, I feel old now.

200 Cigarettes. You are from New Jersy and need
your adnoids removed.

Which Christina Ricci are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Why am I always the girl from Jersey?

And there it is. Your recommended daily dose of quizzy goodness. Thank you! I'll be here all week. Try the veal!

2003-04-19T23:09:00.000-04:00

A Lesson In History

A Story About The Middle Finger!
Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Giving the Finger
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used w/ the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

And yew thought yew knew everything........

2003-04-18T15:11:00.000-04:00

As per the request of my sweetie, I am finally posting my list. Don't worry Phil. Nothing I said here should be taken in any way but as happy memories of being with you and just poking fun. I love you and the time we got to spend together. And just remember...you asked for it. ;P I call this: the Top Ten Things I Learned After Visiting My Boyfriend
1) Nothing lasts forever. In my case, this includes breakups.
2) She loves the cock. Hehe...nuff said.
3) There really is such a thing as too much of a good thing. (I just flew in from Nashua and boy is my clit tired...)
4) Some things are just more important. (This means you, Phil)
5)Nothing beats a cold girl on a warm night.
6) Sometimes when the night ends with a pillow over your face it's for your own good. (Not that it helps...)
7) It doesn't matter what you think about how you look. Your boyfriend always likes seeing you naked...always. Sometimes for days at a time. Did I even bring clothes? *scratches head*
8) No means no...unless it means Oh, god, yes!!!!!!!!
9)Showers for two are nice...unless he keeps dumping water over your head cuz he has the bathtime mentality of a three year old. (Trust me...my nephew acts about the same way in the tub....no offense Phil.)
10) *in l"ady's man" voice* Whip out everything you got...and do it in the butt.

Alrighty...now that that's finally up, I may as well throw in a few quizzes for good measure and all this my entertaining post for the week.

you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Ah ha! I always knew it. Now I have indisputible proof. Special thanks to Sandy for making me aware of this very impotart quiz.

Raver Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
But-but--but I thought glow sticks solved everything...

Your undies are fabulous. Lime Green with Pink
Polka-Dots positively SCREAMS "F*** ME!
I'm the horniest creature alive!!!"

What color are YOUR undies?
brought to you by Quizilla
Okay...thatwasn't what I expected....

Your Threebrain song is "Weeeeeee". I'd
lay off the crack or whatever you're addicted
to, because you're completely insane.
See your Threebrain video!
http://www.threebrain.com/weeeeee.shtml

What Threebrain song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Once again: whatever you guys say.

Brennen. Dork. Friendly. Big Dork.

Which One of My Bastard of a Friend Are YOU?!!!
brought to you by Quizilla
Oh, come on. I had to try this one.

You are French-press coffee. You are full of body
and sensuality, and you love to be sipped and
savored at leisure... though you can get cold
rather quickly.

What Kind of Coffee Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yeah...and I go great with a little cream. Wait--no!

Cangrats! You are 100% Canadian! Now go brag to
your friends....

How Canadian Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I suddenly feel so much less cool...

Gaz // Gaz is a cool chick. She's obsessed with
video games. Her quote it "Dib drank the
last soda. He will pay!"

Which Invader Zim character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
WEEEEEEEE!!!!!! I like Zim!

jay

What Dogma character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sure. Why not?

Bondage movie! You're into BSDM (Bondage &
Discipline, Dominance & Submission) and chances
are, you're fond of whips, chains, harnesses,
and tight leather outfits. You like to mix a
little pain with a LOT of pleasure, baby!

What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yeah...prolly.

*Sighs* That is enough from your quiz Mistress for today. But be warned. When you least expect them *p-p-p-pow!* I'll hit you with another round.

2003-04-16T23:44:00.000-04:00

Guess who's back. Back again. Danni's back. Tell a friend.

Yes, it's true. All is well with the world as I sit in front of my computer with a pint full of Fortunate Vanilla (vanilla with chocolate coevered fortune cookies and a big ole fudge swirl smack dab in the middle) ice cream. I am momentarily content. Later tonight I will continue to work on my feast gown (perfect of the fat period I'm experiencing right now) for Feast of Fools. It seems to have a special talent for hiding the fact that I'm feeling more like a cow than a woman right now. Fortunately I'm no longer too sick to breathe, so I'm going back to the treadmill. And now that it's warming up I'll also be doing a lot more walking to places (like the field and into town for crap I need. So maybe I'll feel better about how I look soon. Being sick tends to make me feel ugly. It's just a phase. But I am getting my lovely tan back. Yup yup. Yesterday me and Steve and Lindsey and Scott went down to the park (where Lindsey attempted, without much luck, to fly a kite) and I got a little bit of color. Depending on how it feels outside tomorrow I may go out again.

Oh, my...so much sewing to do. Right now my main concern is that gown, but I'm also doing at least two more pairs of pants, three shirts, a chamise, a skirt (and an overskirt), a bodice, a cloak, a vest, and a bellydancing costume. And that's just what I can remember without looking at the giant pile of fabric in my room. I know there's more I'm going to do. But first, the gown. In fact, if I don't get caught up doing anything online tonight, I'll end up working on it tonight. I want to have the main gown cut out and ready to be sewn by tomorrow afternoon. I've really got a lot I'm trying to do lately. I've been really motivated to get things done, and now that I've taken a little vacation to recharge myself I'm going into hyperdrive to get things done. I now know how I'm going to die: bleeding to death from a garbing inccident. You just watch.....

I've decided that Rob scares me...but in that fun kind of a "bring him home just to freak out your mom" way. It's mostly the mohawk, but also a little bit of the tattoos and the fact that he tells little old ladies coming out of church to "have a cock-filled day." And I thought Evan was the obnoxious one in the group. Of course it's not like I'm complaining. I like them both. Evan has provided much entertainment for me. And I can imagine Rob will too...whenever I get the chance to see him again. I still feel bad for Evan's car. May it rest in peace. And I must add: Wayne Mannor is quite comfortable. I could sleep there more often. Of course it's hard to get back down when you're drunk...and sleepy...and smoking...and still trying to look at the movie. Which reminds me: "Ah......suck an elf!" I know...it's pretty gay, but kind of funny if you understand the dtory, which you don't...unless you're Lindsey, Steve, Scott, or me.

I haven't talked to Phil in a while, but he did call here while I was gone for the past couple days. I miss him. And I tried to call him a couple of times but I couldn't find him. But I was drunk enough the first time that I was perfectly content to talk to Jamie instead. It's sad that I spent the better part of a Monday night drinking, but suck is life. I needed the night to test (and help regain) my tolerance. I'm prolly gonna stay online for a little while tonight to see if Phil gets on or not. I hope he does. I miss him more than usual since I haven't been able to get a hold of him lately. Love you Phil!!!

Mayhaps I'll have more to say later tonight. Mayhaps I'll save it for another time. But for now the ranting will cease. As Ashby would say: *pOOf*

2003-04-10T18:37:00.000-04:00

I'm sick and trying to do as little as possible, so until further notice I will be out of blogging commission. Until then send happy, healing thoughts my way and watch me work like a mad woman anyway just cuz I have too much crap to do between now and FOF...including finding a new ride situation. Fun........riiiggggghhhhhtttttttt. But I will hopefully be happily medicated and on my way to healing sometime in the beginning of the week. As soon as I can get to the doctor and stick my tounge out at him. *does this look infected?* Hehe...evil. At least I don't have some sort of wacky fever or mono like Nicky.

Anyway, my whole point was to say I'm going to take a break from blogging to rest for a couple days. I should be back to it by the end of the week. Yay!

2003-04-06T15:46:00.000-04:00

As per usual, plans are made and plans fall through. I'm not blaming anyone, but have I mentioned how much I hate ice storms? Note to self: need car of my very own. Maybe then I wouldn't have this problem. But, *sighs* even the best laid plans.... Ah, well. There's always another time. Right now I'm preparing myself for FOF. It's been pretty well taken care of, so mostly I just have to think about packing and taking enough cash out of the bank to take care of the things I'll need money for. Oh, yeah, and sewing. Tomorrow Jess, Nicky and I are going fabric shopping. While we're doinf that I might get more material for more pants and a new dress I want to make...we shall see. It all depends on how much cash I have in the bank until my next check.

I'm so pissed at Josh right now. I seriously want to punch him in the fucking jaw. He's saying some things that he has no right to say. And, oh yeah, he's a total creep too. I'm also gathering opinions about a major decision I'm thinking about making involving him.It's sad that it's gotten to this piont, but when it comes right down to it, I think I know what I have to do. I definately want to talk with Phil about it since I value his opinion most of all. And I have a few more people in mind with whom I want to talk this out with before I do anything. Sooo.......eventually I'm going to get over my laziness and go find Phil so I can talk to him about this. Besides, I've been itching to talk to him for days. I hate having to make a choice. But I just don't think I should continue like everything is okay the way it is. I can't tolorate what's going on anymore and I know that if I don't do anything about it nothing will change. So it's up to me, SuperDanni, to right all the wrongs. I almost feel like the Crow. Reluctant vigilanty antihero. I know how cryptic I sound, but I can't say more until I've (1) talked with Phil and (2) made my choice and done what I need to do based on that choice. This is stressing me out at a time where stress will just totally fuck me up. Last time I had stress I got myself so worked up that I had to go to the hospital. Not good.

Oh, one last thing. I recently met Ian's new girlfriend, Stephie. I was really looking foward to meeting her cuz I'd heard fairly good things and plus I was glad that Ian had finally met a girl that he seemed to have a nice relationship with....and then she opened her mouth. One of the first things she says to me when it's just me, her, and Amber is : "So, you've fucked my boyfriend, huh?" What the fuck do you say to that? Umm...yeah. I'm sorry, it was months before you even met him...a week ago. She's known him a week an has already superglued herself to this group. And believe me when I say I'm not the only one who dislikes her. I honestly think I would have been fine with her if she didn't insist on focusing on the fact that Ian and I used to be together (if you can even call it that). Well, if it makes you feel any better girlie, I didn't enjoy screwing him at all. Please, I've gotten more out of inserting a tampon than sleeping with him. Self consious much? Get over it Stephie. Believe me when I say I'd rather scour my boobies off with a rusty SOS pad than get back together with Ian. Besides the fact that I love Phil more than anyone in the world and am comletely happy with our relationship, there's the fact that being in a "relationship" with Ian made me wish I had a rope to hang myself with. I adore him as a friend, but as a S.O., he's lacking in a major way. But I take Stephie with a grain of salt. Try to avoid her if at all possible. She's really not any concern of mine anyway, so I might as well just go on with my life as if she had never entered it...that way I don't send her home in tears cuz she don't know how to play with the big cats.

On that note...I'm out! Latahz....oh yeah--Phil: I'm looking for you, so call my house or my cell phone before I come out there (again) and kick your ass! I need to talk to you in a major way. Very important to me. I love you and I just need to to call so I know where you are. If you call and just let it ring a couple times then hang up I'll call you back. Don't worry about that.....but please. I'll talk to you later. I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-04-03T16:55:00.000-05:00

I am a horrible person... :) The three aunts (Lindsey, Barb, and myself) were picking Ronin up from school, and on the way home he started pretending to smoke. If it wasn't so cute I would have been absolutely horrified. In fact, I kinda was. *guilty look* But then, if you want to place blame, I can't say I'm the only one responsible. The kid is surrounded by smokers....soooo.

Now for the belated review of my trip to New Hampshire. How funny, the day before I return there I'm finally giving the story of my recent disappearance. I suppose I sould start at the begining (although I'd rather not) to give some background information because a few people who found out here I had gone for the week thought I was crazy for going. Anyway, let's start with a bit of a downer.

I was happily planning out what I should bring with me to visit him...when I got the dreaded IM. Phil thought we should both take the time to sort out our lives and whatnot, therefore we should break up. And so we did. And I cried like a kid who just found her dog lying in the middle of the street hit by a car. So I called Nicky and told her that I didn't think I was a good idea for me to be left alone at that point, so Ian came to pick me up and Josh sat on the phone with me trying to calm me down cuz I was hyperventilating. After spending the day with them and Nicky, Christine, and Jess Iwas feeling a little better although I was so upset I became pretty sick and wound up in the hospital with horrible stress pains and stomach trouble from not being able to eat. This is what I like to refere to as my "Pits of Depression" phase. So from then on I spent most of my time in bed either sleeping or crying. I chain smoked and ate when I knew my body couldn't stand the lack of food, but never really felt hungry. Who would have thought that I'd get so miserable over a guy? But then things got better and brighter...ironically, in the wee hours of the night.

It was prolly a little after 4AM on Wednesday moring (the day I was supposed to leave for New Hampshire) when my phone rang. In my barely awake stage I had no idea what was going on or who was calling when I amswered. It was Phil. He told me how much he missed me and that he had made a mistake when he broke up with me. My heart just about skipped a beat. And it seems I have Amber to thank for his call. So thank you Amber. So Phil and I worked everything out and he told me that I could still get out there he wanted me to come stay with him. I said of course (naturally) and then began a mad crazy to get everything together and leave. Amazingly, within a couple of hours of talking to Phil that morning, I had done two loads of laundry, packed, made myself look presentable, gone to the store for more cigarettes and travel snacks, and caught the bus to the greyhound station. When I got there I called him and we talked until I had to pick up my tickets and prepare myself for my first multi-state bus ride. I did better with it than I expected. Albany gives me a headache, I've learned, every time I stop there. Boston wasn't bad...except I did freak out a little bit because I couldn't figure out which gate I was supposed to go to for the longest time. Luckily I figured it out (by pure accident) and was ready in pleanty of time for my next bus. My next stop was *DUM DUM DUM* Mancherster where I ended up spending 4 hours outside freezing my ass off until the bus station opened for the day and the bus came and took me to Nashua.

By the time I got off my final bus of the day/night/morning, I felt (and looked) like a zombie. I just wanted to grab my stuff and pass out. So I got my bag and when over to Phil...and proceeded to tell him just how much I hate the bus. (He is so worth it though.) Then we went over to Wayne's for a little while. Hooray for a much needed nap. After Wayne got back from his girlfriend's place he took us back to Phil's house. I just have to emhasize that all the houses where he lives look exactly (and I mean exactly) alike.

Now since my personal life is no one else's business, I won't go into detail about how I spent my time there. Basically we watched a lot of movies, at one point we made a cake :), obviously we spent a lot of time naked (that's all I'm saying about that...except maybe "oh my god, hot damn that was good"), we talked, and I met his friend Elana (sorry if her name isn't spelled right. If I get the proper spelling, assuming this is wrong, I'll fix it). I didn't spend enough time with her to develop a real strong opinion of her, but from what I did see she seems like a nice chick and I liked her. So I guess we didn't do much, but I totally enjoyed my visit. And the giant hicky I left on Phil's neck. And, for the record, it was not to mark my territory.

We did cut it awfully close getting me to the bus station so I could go back home, but the bus was running late, so we just made it. Thank god! As much as I would have liked to stay, Phil's rents were comming back the next day and I think they would notice the weird girl in their house. So we got lucky on that one. *Whew* One the trip back I felt way less nervous. I knew how the bus stations worked and although I still got a headache in Albany, this time it went away without the use of painkillers. And Jess was nice enough to pick me up when I got back into Syracuse (for which I was really thankful) and I finally (after almost a week) spent the night in my own bed...alone. *Sniffle sniffle*

wOw...I guess that about sums up my time in New Hampshire. And I'm going back up there tomorrow. Yay! me. I'm going up there for GV's latest feast, but we all know the real reason I'm going: to see Phil. I've decided that whenever I have an opportunity to see him I should take it. That way things don't get as difficult for us. I tink I'll end up seeing him more within this span of about a month (counting last weekend) than I've gotten to see him the entire time we've been together. You know, I'm really happy with Phil. It's funny, but I don't think he really realized this till I came out and saw him. but he really does make me so happy. I love you Phil!!!!!

That's everything I can think of at the moment...besides, this thing is bigger than sin right now so I think I'll give it a rest. I doubt I'll have time to blog again until I get back from this weekends trip, so I'll update ASAP.

2003-04-03T00:01:00.000-05:00

Just a reminder to all you avid readers: you do know that you can leave comments on the page, right?!? So do it. If you're always reading (note, this doesn't apply to you Phil...unless you feel like commenting) you might as well give me you opinion. I know you're thinking something, so come out and say it.

Also, I'm going to do the frequently promised blog reviewing (in edited detail) my trip to see Phil tomorrow. See it then..... *mischievious smile* mmmMMMmmm...smut--I mean, errr, that is, ummmm...shut up!

And my plans may or may not be developing into something workable. I have to talk to a couple more people before I'm certain. Till then.....

2003-04-01T22:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm doing the best I can to put up a summery of my weekend, but as I am banned from the computer it's going to take some skill and time. And I'm trying to find a way up to NH for midreign this weekend since Nicky is sick and can't go. So I'm otherwise occupied. I'm going to try to have the stuff about my trip last week up by sometime Thursday, but I can't make any promises. In the mean time I'd better take care of everything else too. Latahz..............................

2003-04-01T03:27:00.000-05:00

I can't really type a full, understandable sentence right now, so I'm going to go to bed (alone...*sniffle, sniffle*) and try again tomorrow. PS-- (since I'm out of my head right now and therefore have the balls to say it) It's nobody's business but mine what I do or where I go. Certain people who lay no rights to me at all (since they, IMO, haven't even taken the time to become what a friend really should be) have been a little too nosey about my personal affairs. If you want to know something about stuff dealing with me thhan come to me instead of being the gossip freaksa yall are anyway/ I like to gossip too but nobody ever askes me about stuff about me...they alway find out from someone whos not me. But i'll complain about that more when i make sense and can actually tell this to my fans on a personal basis...SEe? they're my fans because they want to know all about me...and the sorces of the infromaton are the fucking papperazzi. *STOP! no more pictures, please?* Oh well...maybe tat's why there's a website ddicated to me...wait--it's MY site...haha.....whatevah...i'm done blogging. i wanna talk to my Phil. anf a can't concentrate on both things at once right now. Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-03-25T19:47:00.000-05:00

Call me crazy ("You're crazy!") but I have the biggest urge to call Phil. I won't, cuz I figure he doesn't feel like talking to me right now, but I still want to. He may not realize it, but I told him or stuff than I told anyone else. It's funny. Usually when I'm upset and need to talk he's the one I go to. I guess he doesn't know that. So for now I'm just getting everything out through my blog. And more crying than I've done in years.

2003-03-25T19:12:00.000-05:00

Is this really supposed to be better for me? Everyone who has seen the pain on my face when I think about these recent events I'm sure would tell you "no." I was happy before. Now every time my mind starts to wander back to that familiar place I feel like I've dies a little more. I won't fight it, but I can't be happy about it. It's not possible when everything in you says it's wrong. I wish I'd had a say in things. I just can't stand spending every day crying until there's nothing left inside of me but that familiar emptiness in the pit of my stomach every time I realize that it's not just some aweful dream. And the more I feel this way and lay in my bed staring at the wall in front of me wishing it wasn't true, the more pathetic and depressed I feel. So this is what it feels like. Who would have thought one thing could be that important to me that when I no longer have it I feel like the world is ending. Maybe I souldn't feel this way, but I can't help it. And so I just sit here and feel the tears roll down my cheeks and try to think of something other than how abandoned I feel. Completely alone and unloved. Maybe I'm just weak.

2003-03-25T16:37:00.000-05:00

My how time flies when you spend all day in bed. It's really bad that I haven't been eating much, but I can't really help it. Food makes me feel sick. Of course all the stress from recent events has taken a huge toll on my health. But it's getting closer to the weekend, so I'm going to try and forget my troubles and become totally smashed. Southern Comfort, here I come. It's going to be an interseting weekend. I'm going to kill Josh for letting Nancy cook with us. Josh, who made such a huge deal about this being the family only, is letting Nancy stay and cook. I tell you one thing. One of us ain't going to be in that kitchen on Friday...her or me. (And believe me when I say I'm gonna be in there.) So you can guess that Nancy won't be.

I am now part of House Balliamo. We're supposed to dance at Haranshire feast and then next week (I think) in GV. Tomorrow Nicky and I have plans (unless something happens to change them) to go and get fabric for my costume. And we're prolly gonna work on the dance too, so I can get caught up on the moves.

It's funny the stuff you'll do to yourself at night when you're bored. My hair is now...ummmm...different. I'm thinking about cutting it too. Not like chopping it off like I did in May...but maybe just doing something to make it look nicer. Oh, well. If I do it, I do it. But for now I guess I should try and find something to eat. I've been doing good about eating at least once a day...whether I want to or not. so it's food it more me. And then I'm going to try and kill a few hours without thinking about you know what. (I refuse to talk about it any more than I have to...so I came up with that clever code word.) Mayhaps I'll come back again later tonight...but then again I may just sleep away the rest of this pitiful Tuesday. Prey that tomorrow is better.